Why Are All These Boys In My Yard!?

Picture the scene. A  peaceful Saturday afternoon. Friends gather to enjoy some good times and some delicious beverages, before heading to the cinema to watch X-Men: Days Of Future Past. What could be more perfect?

SUDDENLY, DISASTER STRIKES!

My Sibling Unit (In-Law Version) bought himself a delicious bottle of Frijj’s fine Honeycomb Choc Swirl, shook the bottle and opened. DAIRY CARNAGE ENSUED! A veritable torrent of tasty milk treats inexplicably spewed forth from the bottle, showering him in sticky white…oh, I appear to have given myself the horn. One minute…

*ONE MINUTE LATER*

Back. Anyhoo, @miester84 is now wearing a borrowed t-shirt as @insensitivemind washes his soiled garments and myself and @bigfairyqueen can only sit and stare, shocked by the events which we have witnessed. Well, that’s not ALL we’re doing. You see, we’ve just emailed Frijj…

Dear Mr Frijj

I am MOST displeased. A few moments ago, I bought one of your delicious Honeycomb Choc Swirl milkshakes to enjoy with friends before attending a very important public event.

I shook the bottle, AS ADVISED, before opening. Imagine my horror as what I can only describe as a dairy volcano erupted from the black-clad plastic, covering me, the patio and my favourite battered green plastic chair.

I have now had to borrow a shirt from my friend and am concerned that given the change in my usual scent, my mother will now reject me and I will be be forced to die alone in the wilds of Yeovil.

I expect considerate compensation for this truly disturbing event and can provide pictorial evidence on request.

Please be aware that the images may shock the feint of heart, as I look as though I have been involved in a twelve hour bukkake marathon.

Yours sincerely,
@miester84

 

"Why am I drippingz vith goo?"
“Why am I drippingz vith goo?”

Hopefully they can resolve this matter and we can move on, putting this terrible day behind us.
The memories, I fear, will be with me forever.

50 Shades Of Bullshit

Today on Twitter, we’ve been having TREMENDOUS fun with a new hashtag, #50FactsAboutMe. Facts have ranged from the very mildly interesting, through tedious and out into deep-dull, the boredom so intense that it can actually stop hearts and end worlds.

I decided to spice things up a little bit and while away a dreary Monday by coming up with my own list of 50 “facts”, which i’ve gathered together here. Educate yourselves.

EDIT: I have been challenged by @LBJ41 to do #50FactsAboutMe every day this week. I’ll update throughout the week.

50 FACTS ABOUT ME – MONDAY 2nd JUNE 2014

1) I had a small role in The Nightmare On Elm Street as Freddie Kreugers body double in sex scenes.

2) I am allergic to allergies. I can’t be around anyone who is unable to eat peanuts or i’ll break out in hives.

3) The worst job I ever had was as a carpet fitter in an M.C Escher drawing.

4) I once beat Barack Obama in a game of hopscotch.

5) I can quickly ingest large amounts of water to turn myself into a virtually inedible ball several times my normal size.

6) I have an FAQ which I will shamelessly plug at random intervals. Find it here.

7) With 14 nominations I, along with Titanic and All About Eve, am one of the most nominated films in Oscar history.

8) I’m Spartacus.

9) I inspired the naming of The Rolling Stones after noting that Mick Jagger was relatively free of moss.

10) I am the law.

11) I spend my spare time burning images of Jesus into toast.

12) I have received critical acclaim for my inspirational quotes, published under my pseudonym, “Anon”.

13) I was the most visited country in 2012, attracting over 83 million tourists.

14) I’ve been around the world and I, I, I…I can’t find my baby

15) I once had a summer job, driving a Mini for Minnie Driver.

16) I was assassinated on 28th June 1914, precipitating Austria-Hungary’s declaration of war against Serbia.

17) I can complete a Rubik’s Cube in 12.4 seconds. With my tongue.

18) I still haven’t found what i’m looking for.

19) I once Rickrolled Rick Astley, causing a tear in the space-time continuum.

20) I am the only marsupial native to North America.

21) I am free with every promotional packet of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies. Terms and conditions apply.

22) I am printed on recycled paper.

23) I have the largest wingspan of any living bird, typically ranging from 2.51 to 3.5 m.

24) The TV series 24 was inspired by my attempts to get home in time for Countdown after missing a bus.

25) I am a nymphomaniac who is only attracted to Jewish cowboys.

26) I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

27) I once had a summer job making prosthetic legs for snakes.

28) I am prized by chefs for my elegant taste and ethereal fragrance.

29) Since my initial release, I have been translated into over twenty different languages worldwide.

30) I am filmed before a live studio audience.

31) I have never been mistaken for the popular singer, Donna Summer.

32) I am a man-made fibre, used primarily in the production of inexpensive carpets.

33) I am a Rage type Pokemon and the evolved form of Vimhling, native to the Kanto region.

33) I am an active stratovolcano on the east coast of Sicily, Italy.

35) I have a severe phobia of the number which precedes 35, often replacing it in lists with a second 33.

36) When threatened, I roll up into a tight ball.

37) I was the little girl in the original Miracle on 34th Street. My work on the film left me with a terrible fear of beards

38) When exposed to sunlight, I rapidly decompose to elemental silver and chlorine.

39) J.K Rowling based the Harry Potter series on my repeated attempts to learn the bunch of flowers trick.

40) If needed, I can be found wherever there is injustice. That, or at Greggs.

41) I am the centre of our solar system and I burn with a temperature of approximately 5500 °C

42) I am the largest land predator on earth, standing over 11′ high and weighting over 1,700 lbs.

43) I was the original Justin Bieber, before being recast due to creative differences.

44) I control 51% of the voting stock of successful air freight business Higher for Hire.

45) I am the motion capture actor behind Sonic the Hedgehog.

46) I organise my DVDs in order of least to most uses of the word “quibble”

47) The Michael Myers mask from Halloween was based on my face after a particularly gloomy summer.

48) I own 97% of Belgium, having won it in a poker game.

49) The Lord of the Rings trilogy is based on my three years as a member of the Ramblers Association.

50) Humans share 96% of their DNA with chimps. I share the other 4% with a guy named Geoff from Iowa.

51) I can’t count.

50 FURTHER FACTS ABOUT ME – TUESDAY 3rd JUNE 2014

1) I am a ductile, silver-white, chemically active metal with a hexagonal close-packed crystalline structure

2) I’ve got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

3) I wrote the script for 2004 film The Day After Tomorrow after a particularly wet fishing weekend in Devon.

4) I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing, I can’t stand losing you.

5) I am water resistant to 100m

6) I was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain.

7) I am easily startled but i’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

8) I once attained nirvana, gaining complete understanding of all things, but I was distracted by a 2 for 1 offer on pasties and forgot the lot.

9) I spent three years living inside John Malkovich.

10) I-i-i-i-i-i like you verrrrrrrry much.

11) My orbit outside the distortion of Earth’s atmosphere allows me to take extremely high-resolution images with almost no background light

12) I am not a crook.

13) I know who the song “You’re So Vain” is actually about.

14) I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

15) I was originally well received but sadly I was not renewed for a second season.

16) Until 1997, I was unaware of the existence of cheese.

17) I received the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 after breaking up a fight between two traffic wardens outside a Lidl in Skegness.

18) I don’t trust Klingons and I never will. I’ve never forgiven them for the death of my son.

19) I can strip a human carcass to the bone in twelve seconds. Faster if there’s ketchup.

20) My attempts to start my own business failed miserably, as I discovered there was little call for a Hobbit cobbler.

21) The childrens cartoon Penny Crayon was based on a particularly unpleasant acid trip which I suffered in 1974.

22) I work in the Street View department at the Human Genome Project.

23) I am both highly impressionable and allergic to cat hair, which sadly means I have never been able to read Garfield comic strips.

24) I am Keyser Soze.

25) Gordon Ramsay employs me for two weeks in every year to chisel new lines into his face.

26) I gave Kelis the milkshake recipe that she’s so fond of.

27) In winter, I forage in mixed flocks with house sparrows on the ground or low in trees.

28) I want to know what love is.

29) I have a photographic memory but find it difficult to get film for it since the rise of the digital camera.

30) I genetically engineer otters to look more like Benedict Cumberbatch.

31) I find shoelaces slightly bewildering.

32) I have a straight, fine and even grain, and am relatively free of voids and pockets.

33) I won’t wear green clothing in case I happen upon a green screen and am driven into a panic at the apparent loss of body parts.

33) I was Billy Ray Cyrus’ writing partner. He came up with achy, I thought up breaky. Heart was a joint effort.

35) The Matrix film trilogy is based on my attempts to replace a dodgy disk drive in my old IBM after an 18 hour Doom marathon.

36) I do not have a respiratory system, as my skin is thin enough that my body is oxygenated by diffusion

37) I once built a fully functional Tardis using only stuff from under the sink and a deconstructed toaster.

38) I control the horizontal and the vertical.

39) I generally have one litter per year that typically consists of 4 babies. Although I can have 3 to 7.

40) My favourite colour is the smell of freshly mown grass.

41) I had a small role in the original Star Wars trilogy as Han Solo’s brother but was cut from the finished film. Then re-inserted. Then cut. Then given a complete CGI makeover. Then cut again. Then recast. I’m back in the sequels.

42) I had a succesful professional wrestling career in the eighties under my stage name, “Jason P. Crotchrocket”

43) I am the windiest place on Earth, with winds averaging more than 40mph on at least 100 days every year.

44) I have had my buttocks insured for £3.4 million.

45) I occasionally accuse furniture of spying on me.

46) I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a thing to wear.

47) I inspired the Spandau Ballet hit Gold when Tony Hadley spotted me fiddling with some Ferrero Rocher in a Woolworths.

48) I am the brainchild of Doane Robinson, located in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

49) Under extreme stress, I fire barbed quills from my back to deter predators.

50) I have named each of my internal organs after famous historical figures.

ANOTHER 50 FACTS ABOUT ME – WEDNESDAY 5th JUNE 2014

1) I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over.

2) I had an important role in popular television series “Breaking Bad” as Walter White’s hat.

3) I am drifting approximately 3.8 cm away from our planet every year. It is estimated that I will continue to do so for around 50 billion years.

4) I was hunted to extinction in the 12th century for my meats, pelt and scent glands.

5) In 2032, I created the world’s first time machine.

6) I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.

7) Edvard Munch painted “The Scream” after I told him how much it hurts when to tread on Lego with bare feet.

8) I am fluent in thirteen languages, none of which are real.

9) I am conditioned to salivate at the ring of a bell.

10) I have no collarbone and can fit through any opening the size of my head.

11) Whenever I eat a Kit Kat, I save the foil wrapper to make robot costumes for mice.

12) The Encyclopaedia Britannica is actually a novel which I wrote many years ago about an aardvark’s adventures on his way to the zoo. It lost it’s punch in editing.

13) I am powered by twelve AAA batteries.

14) In 1940, the University of California presented me with the Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure Award.

15) I cannot be seen with the naked eye.

16) I am the very model of a modern major general.

17) I wrote the lyrics for Aerosmith’s “Pink” after spending a mishap at a fairground which led to me spending six days wrapped in candyfloss.

18) I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

19) I am worshipped as a god in one small street in Grimsby.

20) I was appointed as the commanding general of the Continental Army on June 15, 1775.

21) I can haz cheeseburger.

22) I own the largest collection of doors in the world. I display them on homes all across the UK.

23) On the third Tuesday of each month, I spend six hours helping Helena Bonham Carter organise her CD collection.

24) I am the eggman.

25) I am the walrus.

26) I’m not entirely certain how to spell “Goo-goo-ga-joo”. Goo-goo-ga-choo? Goo…that.

27) I come in a remarkable variety of colors and sizes, ranging in length from about 4 inches up to 40 inches.

28) I don’t know much, but I know I love you.

29) I have my doubts about Katie Melua’s claims that there are nine million bicycles in Beijing and have launched a large scale survey to check the numbers. Results are expected sometime in 2018.

30) I have an unusual level of control over my internal workings and am able to play a variety of pop hits through the medium of flatulence and intestinal gurgling.

31) One of my hobbies is removing single puzzle pieces from jigsaws in charity shops.

31) I am the longest novel on record, containing an estimated 9,609,000 characters.

32) My left foot doubles up as a condiment dispenser.

33) I spent six years in Africa, studying the movements of polar bears. Eventually I realised that I was in the wrong place.

33) I’m every woman.

35) I accidentally invented the @ symbol while trying to write the letter “a” after drinking a large quantity of tequila.

36) My scrotum was the inspiration for Yoda.

37) I have an irrational fear of crazy paving.

38) I have launched 21 ships during my reign as Queen.

39) I am a rare infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues.

40) I am the third Olsen twin.

41) I had what she was having.

42) With a full charge, I have a battery life of approximately 18 hours.

43) I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

44) I am worth 12 points in Scrabble.

45) I solved the famous P versus NP problem in 2003 but sharing the answer would ruin everyone’s fun so I burnt all my working out and killed my assistant.

46) Experiments have shown that I show most interest in things coloured red, yellow or orange.

47) My blood type is A+. I only scored a B- for my other fluids.

48) I get no kick from champagne.

49) I am visible from space.

50) I am rich in Omega 3.

To be continued…

 

Dear ITV…

Once again, I have gathered my creative writing team. Sibling Unit (@KimmyMc1908), Partner Of Sibling Unit (@Miester84) and Marital Unit have assisted me in the compilation of a list of possible new television shows. Having previously sent some suggestions to Channel Four (which they completely failed to pick up on, the short-sighted fools), this time we have assembled a list of frankly fan-bloody-tastic show ideas and i’ve winged them off in an email to ITV.

I’m sure you’ll agree that some high-fallutin’ tellybod is certain to be in touch before long. If nothing else, they’ll have to let me know about the restraining order…

Dear Wossname

My name is James McLellan and I am one quarter of the world’s greatest television show thinktank. Along with my wife,
sister and brother-in-law (who, despite my being born and bred in Somerset, are not one and the same person), I have
compiled a list of possible new television shows which I am certain you will want to develop. If you are interested in any
or all of the ideas listed below, we accept payment in the form of shitloads of money.

Britain’s Got Talons – Falconeering experts the length and breadth of the nation gather to compete for the title of Best
Falconer. Judges include Bill Oddie, Keith Harris with Orville and that Dennis guy from snooker because he looks like an
owl

Britain’s Got Balance – Very agile people from all across the UK gather to compete for the title of Best Stander Upper.
Judges include Naomi Campbell, that drunk guy from the Youtube video who fell over while being questioned by the police
and any footballer

Britton’s Got Talent – A show about Fern Britton. She’s lovely, she is.

The Eggs Factor – Simon Cowell tells some eggs that they’re shit

The Axe Factor – In which terrible singers are brutally dismembered by a rampaging killer.

The SPF Factor – In which ginger people are smothered in Ambre Solaire and subjected to varying degrees of light

I’m A Celebrity, No, Honestly. Don’t Laugh. I Am. For The Love Of God, Notice Me. I Crave Attention. – Same show,
different name

I’m A Celebrity? Get Out Of Here! – Z list celebrities who have long forgotten that they were ever known to anyone outside
their immediate family are amazed to find themselves suddenly on television, eating rat anus pie.

I’m Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here – Abstinant, god-fearing young folk are horrified to find themselves in a seedy brothel.
Hosted by Angus Deaton.

I’m A Celiac, Get Me Out Of Here – Twelve poor buggers with gluten allergies are horrified to find themselves stranded in
Paul Hollywood’s kitchen.

Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Getaway – The presenting duo finally abandon all pretense, accept their deepy held love for
another and shoot off for a romantic weekend. Good luck to ’em.

Text Satan – An annual telethon to raise funds for nefarious schemes worldwide, hosted by that bastard Piers Morgan.

Surprise Surprise – A sarcastic look at things which we really should have seen coming.

Surpress Surpress – Members of the public dance around sensitive subjects in front of hundreds of strangers.

Dancing With Lice – Irritable celebrities dance their way to success, whilst trying to deal with unbearable itching.

Dancing? Oh, Nice! – An incredibly enthusiastic chap called Gerald points out various types of dancing and is dashed happy
about it.

Dan Sings On Ice – Daniel O’ Donnell is sent to the North Pole to sing to penguins and ultimately freeze to death.

Splosh – Panel show in which contestants are judged on the sound made by their falling faeces. Judged by Dappy from N-
Dubz.

F/A CUP – A harrowing documentary following the trials and tribulations of a woman with an incredible breast asymmetry

Family Fart Tunes – Two families compete in a head-to-head musical bottom-burp off. Shitting one’s self equals instant
disqualification.

Ripping Point – Ben Shepherd hosts as contestants work in pairs, inserting discs into each others rectums in a bid to see
who can hold the most before being brutally torn asunder.

Dripping Point – ITV3 “Ripping Point Extra” style show, following the horrific damage done to our brave teams. Warning –
Contains scenes of unimaginable anal seepage.

The Pube – Challenge show centred around a sweaty groin.

The Tube – Challenge show centred around a sweaty groin.

The Lube – Challenge show centred around a slippery groin.

Dickinson’s Meal Deals – Like Wiltshire Farm Foods, only more orange.

Dickinson’s Really Dull – Light-hearted, This Is Your Life-esque special, in which people who have had the misfortune of
working with David Dickinson complain about what a fucking chore he is.

Dickinson’s Real. Deal With It – Horrified members of the public are informed that David Dickinson is not a character
created by ITV and attend regular therapy sessions to come to terms with the terrible news.

Gino’s Italians Escape – Gino D’campo struggles with immigration as his imprisoned kitchen staff head for the hills

60 & Minute: Makeover – A team of celebrity stylists give a short, old person a brand new look. Celebrity pilot featuring
Ronnie Corbett

Miss Carpal – An octogenarian sleuth deals with mysterious murder and crippling wrist pain.

Celebrity Jews – Comedy panel show with team captains Woody Allen and Billy Crystal, hosted by Barbra Streisand

The Alan Titchmarsh Show: After Dark – Same boring old twaddle, more nipples.

This Awning – A documentary following caravan enthusiasts.

This Mauling – In which Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are badly injured by bears.

This Moaning – An entire show dedicated to that stupid bloody Hopkins woman.

This Mourning – Philip and Holly present a light hearted look at other peoples misery.

You’ve Been Maimed – Extreme version of the popular clip show featuring horrific injuries, often involving tigers.

You’ve Been Blamed – Our team of dedicated pranksters commit assorted horrific crimes and lay the blame at the feet of
unsuspecting members of the public, who are subsequently imprisoned.

Downton Rabbi – A look at the life of a Jewish holy man who inexplicably finds himself living below stairs in a post-
Edwardian household.

Enemadale – Following the lives of residents of a small rural community, all of whom suffer from severe intestinal
distress. Sponsored by Imodium.

Emmerdull – A more realistic look at village life in which absolutely fuck all happens.

Reincarnation Street – Following the lives, past lives and future lives of residents of a street somewhere in Croydon.

Coronation Treats – The incredibly ancient Mary Berry looks back at some of the delicious baked goods which she prepared
to celebrate the many coronations she has witnessed in her 800 years on this earth.

The Jeremy’s Piles Show – A documentary following the sad tale of one man and his horrendous haemorrhoids.

The I’ll Be A While Show – Where people take a long time to do stuff

Broad Church – A frankly cruel look at Charlotte Church’s weight, brought to you by the creative minds behind the Daily
Mail sidebar.

The Replacement Bus Service Children – A touching tale of a young family torn apart by war and British Rail’s complete
inability to stick a simple schedule

Midsomer Minor Ailments – An inept locum investigates as residents complain of feeling “a wee bit poorly” and “slightly
shitty”

Doc Martens – Following the lives of residents of a small fishing village who inexplicably fail to realise that their new
doctor is, in actual fact, a pair of boots.

CraCAW – Following the crime-fighting adventures of a hard boiled Glaswegian crow.

Inspect Remorse – Following the adventures of a no-nonsense police inspector who generally doubts that criminals are quite as sorry as they claim to be.

Inspect Yer Horse – A public service announcement to raise awareness of equine testicular cancer.

We’re going to be rich and famous and rich!

Hugs and kisses,

Jamie.

Every one a winner.