50 Shades Of Bullshit

Today on Twitter, we’ve been having TREMENDOUS fun with a new hashtag, #50FactsAboutMe. Facts have ranged from the very mildly interesting, through tedious and out into deep-dull, the boredom so intense that it can actually stop hearts and end worlds.

I decided to spice things up a little bit and while away a dreary Monday by coming up with my own list of 50 “facts”, which i’ve gathered together here. Educate yourselves.

EDIT: I have been challenged by @LBJ41 to do #50FactsAboutMe every day this week. I’ll update throughout the week.

50 FACTS ABOUT ME – MONDAY 2nd JUNE 2014

1) I had a small role in The Nightmare On Elm Street as Freddie Kreugers body double in sex scenes.

2) I am allergic to allergies. I can’t be around anyone who is unable to eat peanuts or i’ll break out in hives.

3) The worst job I ever had was as a carpet fitter in an M.C Escher drawing.

4) I once beat Barack Obama in a game of hopscotch.

5) I can quickly ingest large amounts of water to turn myself into a virtually inedible ball several times my normal size.

6) I have an FAQ which I will shamelessly plug at random intervals. Find it here.

7) With 14 nominations I, along with Titanic and All About Eve, am one of the most nominated films in Oscar history.

8) I’m Spartacus.

9) I inspired the naming of The Rolling Stones after noting that Mick Jagger was relatively free of moss.

10) I am the law.

11) I spend my spare time burning images of Jesus into toast.

12) I have received critical acclaim for my inspirational quotes, published under my pseudonym, “Anon”.

13) I was the most visited country in 2012, attracting over 83 million tourists.

14) I’ve been around the world and I, I, I…I can’t find my baby

15) I once had a summer job, driving a Mini for Minnie Driver.

16) I was assassinated on 28th June 1914, precipitating Austria-Hungary’s declaration of war against Serbia.

17) I can complete a Rubik’s Cube in 12.4 seconds. With my tongue.

18) I still haven’t found what i’m looking for.

19) I once Rickrolled Rick Astley, causing a tear in the space-time continuum.

20) I am the only marsupial native to North America.

21) I am free with every promotional packet of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies. Terms and conditions apply.

22) I am printed on recycled paper.

23) I have the largest wingspan of any living bird, typically ranging from 2.51 to 3.5 m.

24) The TV series 24 was inspired by my attempts to get home in time for Countdown after missing a bus.

25) I am a nymphomaniac who is only attracted to Jewish cowboys.

26) I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

27) I once had a summer job making prosthetic legs for snakes.

28) I am prized by chefs for my elegant taste and ethereal fragrance.

29) Since my initial release, I have been translated into over twenty different languages worldwide.

30) I am filmed before a live studio audience.

31) I have never been mistaken for the popular singer, Donna Summer.

32) I am a man-made fibre, used primarily in the production of inexpensive carpets.

33) I am a Rage type Pokemon and the evolved form of Vimhling, native to the Kanto region.

33) I am an active stratovolcano on the east coast of Sicily, Italy.

35) I have a severe phobia of the number which precedes 35, often replacing it in lists with a second 33.

36) When threatened, I roll up into a tight ball.

37) I was the little girl in the original Miracle on 34th Street. My work on the film left me with a terrible fear of beards

38) When exposed to sunlight, I rapidly decompose to elemental silver and chlorine.

39) J.K Rowling based the Harry Potter series on my repeated attempts to learn the bunch of flowers trick.

40) If needed, I can be found wherever there is injustice. That, or at Greggs.

41) I am the centre of our solar system and I burn with a temperature of approximately 5500 °C

42) I am the largest land predator on earth, standing over 11′ high and weighting over 1,700 lbs.

43) I was the original Justin Bieber, before being recast due to creative differences.

44) I control 51% of the voting stock of successful air freight business Higher for Hire.

45) I am the motion capture actor behind Sonic the Hedgehog.

46) I organise my DVDs in order of least to most uses of the word “quibble”

47) The Michael Myers mask from Halloween was based on my face after a particularly gloomy summer.

48) I own 97% of Belgium, having won it in a poker game.

49) The Lord of the Rings trilogy is based on my three years as a member of the Ramblers Association.

50) Humans share 96% of their DNA with chimps. I share the other 4% with a guy named Geoff from Iowa.

51) I can’t count.

50 FURTHER FACTS ABOUT ME – TUESDAY 3rd JUNE 2014

1) I am a ductile, silver-white, chemically active metal with a hexagonal close-packed crystalline structure

2) I’ve got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

3) I wrote the script for 2004 film The Day After Tomorrow after a particularly wet fishing weekend in Devon.

4) I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing, I can’t stand losing you.

5) I am water resistant to 100m

6) I was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain.

7) I am easily startled but i’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

8) I once attained nirvana, gaining complete understanding of all things, but I was distracted by a 2 for 1 offer on pasties and forgot the lot.

9) I spent three years living inside John Malkovich.

10) I-i-i-i-i-i like you verrrrrrrry much.

11) My orbit outside the distortion of Earth’s atmosphere allows me to take extremely high-resolution images with almost no background light

12) I am not a crook.

13) I know who the song “You’re So Vain” is actually about.

14) I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

15) I was originally well received but sadly I was not renewed for a second season.

16) Until 1997, I was unaware of the existence of cheese.

17) I received the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 after breaking up a fight between two traffic wardens outside a Lidl in Skegness.

18) I don’t trust Klingons and I never will. I’ve never forgiven them for the death of my son.

19) I can strip a human carcass to the bone in twelve seconds. Faster if there’s ketchup.

20) My attempts to start my own business failed miserably, as I discovered there was little call for a Hobbit cobbler.

21) The childrens cartoon Penny Crayon was based on a particularly unpleasant acid trip which I suffered in 1974.

22) I work in the Street View department at the Human Genome Project.

23) I am both highly impressionable and allergic to cat hair, which sadly means I have never been able to read Garfield comic strips.

24) I am Keyser Soze.

25) Gordon Ramsay employs me for two weeks in every year to chisel new lines into his face.

26) I gave Kelis the milkshake recipe that she’s so fond of.

27) In winter, I forage in mixed flocks with house sparrows on the ground or low in trees.

28) I want to know what love is.

29) I have a photographic memory but find it difficult to get film for it since the rise of the digital camera.

30) I genetically engineer otters to look more like Benedict Cumberbatch.

31) I find shoelaces slightly bewildering.

32) I have a straight, fine and even grain, and am relatively free of voids and pockets.

33) I won’t wear green clothing in case I happen upon a green screen and am driven into a panic at the apparent loss of body parts.

33) I was Billy Ray Cyrus’ writing partner. He came up with achy, I thought up breaky. Heart was a joint effort.

35) The Matrix film trilogy is based on my attempts to replace a dodgy disk drive in my old IBM after an 18 hour Doom marathon.

36) I do not have a respiratory system, as my skin is thin enough that my body is oxygenated by diffusion

37) I once built a fully functional Tardis using only stuff from under the sink and a deconstructed toaster.

38) I control the horizontal and the vertical.

39) I generally have one litter per year that typically consists of 4 babies. Although I can have 3 to 7.

40) My favourite colour is the smell of freshly mown grass.

41) I had a small role in the original Star Wars trilogy as Han Solo’s brother but was cut from the finished film. Then re-inserted. Then cut. Then given a complete CGI makeover. Then cut again. Then recast. I’m back in the sequels.

42) I had a succesful professional wrestling career in the eighties under my stage name, “Jason P. Crotchrocket”

43) I am the windiest place on Earth, with winds averaging more than 40mph on at least 100 days every year.

44) I have had my buttocks insured for £3.4 million.

45) I occasionally accuse furniture of spying on me.

46) I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a thing to wear.

47) I inspired the Spandau Ballet hit Gold when Tony Hadley spotted me fiddling with some Ferrero Rocher in a Woolworths.

48) I am the brainchild of Doane Robinson, located in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

49) Under extreme stress, I fire barbed quills from my back to deter predators.

50) I have named each of my internal organs after famous historical figures.

ANOTHER 50 FACTS ABOUT ME – WEDNESDAY 5th JUNE 2014

1) I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over.

2) I had an important role in popular television series “Breaking Bad” as Walter White’s hat.

3) I am drifting approximately 3.8 cm away from our planet every year. It is estimated that I will continue to do so for around 50 billion years.

4) I was hunted to extinction in the 12th century for my meats, pelt and scent glands.

5) In 2032, I created the world’s first time machine.

6) I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.

7) Edvard Munch painted “The Scream” after I told him how much it hurts when to tread on Lego with bare feet.

8) I am fluent in thirteen languages, none of which are real.

9) I am conditioned to salivate at the ring of a bell.

10) I have no collarbone and can fit through any opening the size of my head.

11) Whenever I eat a Kit Kat, I save the foil wrapper to make robot costumes for mice.

12) The Encyclopaedia Britannica is actually a novel which I wrote many years ago about an aardvark’s adventures on his way to the zoo. It lost it’s punch in editing.

13) I am powered by twelve AAA batteries.

14) In 1940, the University of California presented me with the Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure Award.

15) I cannot be seen with the naked eye.

16) I am the very model of a modern major general.

17) I wrote the lyrics for Aerosmith’s “Pink” after spending a mishap at a fairground which led to me spending six days wrapped in candyfloss.

18) I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

19) I am worshipped as a god in one small street in Grimsby.

20) I was appointed as the commanding general of the Continental Army on June 15, 1775.

21) I can haz cheeseburger.

22) I own the largest collection of doors in the world. I display them on homes all across the UK.

23) On the third Tuesday of each month, I spend six hours helping Helena Bonham Carter organise her CD collection.

24) I am the eggman.

25) I am the walrus.

26) I’m not entirely certain how to spell “Goo-goo-ga-joo”. Goo-goo-ga-choo? Goo…that.

27) I come in a remarkable variety of colors and sizes, ranging in length from about 4 inches up to 40 inches.

28) I don’t know much, but I know I love you.

29) I have my doubts about Katie Melua’s claims that there are nine million bicycles in Beijing and have launched a large scale survey to check the numbers. Results are expected sometime in 2018.

30) I have an unusual level of control over my internal workings and am able to play a variety of pop hits through the medium of flatulence and intestinal gurgling.

31) One of my hobbies is removing single puzzle pieces from jigsaws in charity shops.

31) I am the longest novel on record, containing an estimated 9,609,000 characters.

32) My left foot doubles up as a condiment dispenser.

33) I spent six years in Africa, studying the movements of polar bears. Eventually I realised that I was in the wrong place.

33) I’m every woman.

35) I accidentally invented the @ symbol while trying to write the letter “a” after drinking a large quantity of tequila.

36) My scrotum was the inspiration for Yoda.

37) I have an irrational fear of crazy paving.

38) I have launched 21 ships during my reign as Queen.

39) I am a rare infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues.

40) I am the third Olsen twin.

41) I had what she was having.

42) With a full charge, I have a battery life of approximately 18 hours.

43) I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

44) I am worth 12 points in Scrabble.

45) I solved the famous P versus NP problem in 2003 but sharing the answer would ruin everyone’s fun so I burnt all my working out and killed my assistant.

46) Experiments have shown that I show most interest in things coloured red, yellow or orange.

47) My blood type is A+. I only scored a B- for my other fluids.

48) I get no kick from champagne.

49) I am visible from space.

50) I am rich in Omega 3.

To be continued…

 

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Hallowe’en Fun? Just Say No!

It’s half past nine in the morning and i’m already angry enough to fling kittens into a mincer. Why?

Give this a read.

That’s a story from the Westcountry’s finest paper of news, the Western Gazette, detailing the Avon & Somerset constabulary’s hard stance on kids looking adorable and enjoying sweeties. Well, that’s how I read it.

Look, I know exactly what the problem is. Every year, while kids go from door to door, being unbearably cute and asking for chocolate, there are a few little bastards round these parts who hammer on doors, ask for cigarettes and cash and then wing a handful of eggs at any house which refuses them. The problem is that the police are entirely too lazy to deal with the perpetrators, so would rather cast a shadow of misery over the entirety of Hallowe’en.

The line which really grips my shit is “We would just like to remind people that if they intend to trick and treat – which is not endorsed by the constabulary”. Not endorsed by the constabulary. First of all, it’s trick OR treat, not trick and treat, you feckless halfwits. But more importantly, the fact that it’s “not endorsed” by the po-po is a polite way of saying “we would MUCH rather you didn’t do it at all”.

Balls to the police and their endorsement, or lack thereof. Balls to the little swine who’ve made a point of ruining Hallowe’en for kids who just want to blag enough free chocolate to send them into a diabetic coma. Balls to whoever designed that poster because that font is far too cheerful for such a miserable sentiment and finally, balls to anyone who prints it off.

Don’t misunderstand me, you’re more than welcome to ignore trick or treaters if you so wish. I’ll not quibble with that, because that’s personal choice. But by putting that poster in your window you’re MORE likely to get your house egged, trees covered in toilet rolls, tyres slashed, whatever. Because to the kind of git who goes out on Hallowe’en armed with a dozen eggs and a can of spray paint, that sign might as well read “MISERABLE TOSSER LIVES HERE! PLEASE DESTROY MY HOUSE!”

If you’re not against the idea of kids indulging in a bit of harmless fun, i’ve done my own poster. Stick one of these up in your window, if you like.

HalloweenPoster

Download a copy of this hastily thrown together abomination here.

If you do get anyone pushing their luck, call the police. If they’re not too busy designing a “Fuck Christmas” poster, i’m sure they’ll show up.

EDIT:

It has been pointed out to me by a few Twitter folk that the report states that extra police will be working on August 31st. That’s fabulous. They’ll be able to deal with any issues surrounding the Moldovan National Language Day. Not sure how it helps with Hallowe’en, mind…

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Five Stages Of Phone Loss

Everybody is different, special, unique, which is something to be celebrated. But it’s nice to know that, no matter what, there are some things that make us all the same. Like losing stuff. I’ve lost my phone.

It’s infuriating. Not the actual loss, so much, but the crap that comes with it. Like stupid bloody questions.

“Have you looked everywhere?” No. I haven’t the time to look literally everywhere, this is a big old planet and we’ve not even plumbed the depths of the deepest oceans. Besides which, if I had looked everywhere I would have SODDING FOUND IT!

“Where did you lose it?” What a sodding question! You don’t know what the word “lose” means, do you?

We’ve all lost a phone at some point, i’ve no doubt. Most of the time, we find it again after a brief initial panic. We do that thing, where we have someone else call the phone and then wander about the house, listening for our ring tone.

“It’s ringing! Can you hear it!” NO, BECAUSE YOU’RE BLOODY SHOUTING YOU HALFWIT!

But then it turns up. Huzzah!
Mine hasn’t turned up.
I’m OK with this now, believe it or not. I’ve said my goodbyes.  I’ve been through the five stages of phone loss.
You know about the five stages, right?

1) DENIAL

ME: “Have you seen my phone?”

MARITAL UNIT: “You’ve lost it, haven’t you?”

ME: “No. I had it a minute ago, but now I can’t find it.”

MARITAL UNIT: “So, it’s lost?”

ME: “No, no, no. It’s just…misplaced”

MARITAL UNIT: “Lost then.”

ME: “Not at all. It’s here somewhere, but I don’t know where.”

MARITAL UNIT: “Lost.”

ME: “…you’re lost.”

2) ANGER

ME: “You’ve hidden it, haven’t you!”

MARITAL UNIT: “No. Why the hell would I do that?”

ME: “YOU HAVE! YOU’VE HIDDEN IT! YOU DON’T WANT ME TEXTING BOB! YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED BOB AND YOU HATE ME!”

MARITAL UNIT: “Calm down…”

ME: “I WILL NOT! I WILL TEAR THIS HOUSE APART WITH MY BARE HANDS! WITH MY TEETH, IF I HAVE TO! I WILL USE MY OWN FACE AS A SLEDGEHAMMER AND RAZE IT TO THE GROUND BEFORE I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!”

MARITAL UNIT: “Are you having some sort of episode?”

ME: “…you’re an episode.”

3) BARGAINING

ME: “Okay phone. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but if you come out from wherever the hell you are, i’ll buy you a new Micro SD card. 16gb. Would you like that? Would you like a 16gb Micro SD card?”

MARITAL UNIT: “Are…are you trying to make a deal with your lost phone?”

ME: “I do what I must. I need my phone!”

MARITAL UNIT: “I could help you look for it, if you want?”

ME: “Thanks love. Tell you what, if you find it i’ll buy you a new Micro SD card”

MARITAL UNIT: “…what?”

4) DEPRESSION

ME: “I’ll never find it.”

MARITAL UNIT: “I’m sure it will turn up.”

ME: “No, it’s gone forever. I’ll never use a phone again. No-one will text me or call me for the rest of my life.”

MARITAL UNIT: “That’s a bit mu-”

ME: “They won’t, I tell you! I shall live a lonely, phoneless life! No more for me the hedonistic delight of the text. The giddy thrill of hearing the beepity beeps! The heart-pounding excitement of wondering who it is! The dizzying lows of realising it’s another PPI scam! WOE! WOE UNTO THE MOBILE-LESS!”

MARITAL UNIT: “Have you looked everywhere?”

ME: “WWWWHHYYYY?! WHYYYYY OH CRUEL AND HATEFUL WORLD!?!”

MARITAL UNIT: “I’ll fetch the sedative”

5) ACCEPTANCE

ME: “Fuck it. I’ll buy a new phone.”

So folks, any recommendations?

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