At the beginning of 2021 my then wife, a wonderful woman by the way, very sensibly realised that I was a massive arsehole and we agreed to go our separate ways. I won’t lie and say it’s been smooth sailing on the seas of singledom (oooh, esses) but every so […]
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When I do finally sit down in front of my laptop, that’s it. For hour after bleary eyed hour I will type until my fingers look like chunks of Pepperami smeared with lovely raspberry jam.
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Horse-Flies. Irritation? Or winged demons hellbent on the elimination of all life on the planet? I’d always assumed the former, but it would seem that i’ve underestimated these flying fiends. Until recently, i’ve relied solely on information gleaned during my 33 years on the planet, my own experience of having […]
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Dear madam, I must ask of you a moment of your time
To read this simple message, laid out for you in rhyme,
Which will, I trust, serve as explanation plain and clear
to explain to you exactly why instead of there, i’m here.
89) Use your pen to draw Winnie The Pooh’s face on your victim’s chest.
Then piss off some bees.
“YOU’VE ALL BEEN NAUGHTY AND NOW YOU’RE ON MY LIST!”
They could tell without doubt, Kris Kringle was pissed…
The other day, while sat at my desk swearing at passing thoughts, I felt a hunger. A rumbly in my tumbly, as a certain trouserless bear is known to say before rifling through friends cupboards to steal their supplies. Wandering to my kitchen, I found myself in possession of not […]
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It’s going to be OK. Honestly. It’ll take a long time and it won’t be easy, a lot like having sex with a Wookie.
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Squodge – A method of mixing which involves gingerly moving food around a pan and cursing as bits of it slip over the edge, welding themselves to the hob with a sound like a snake being slowly run through a mangle.
Continue Reading“YOU’VE ALL BEEN NAUGHTY AND NOW YOU’RE ON MY LIST!”
They could tell without doubt, Kris Kringle was pissed…
