McSon of a…

Ah McDonalds, where the shambling, soulless oiks who failed the intelligence test required to be algae serve up barely edible cardboard in the name of capitalism.

And yet, we keep going back?

Today, a startingly moronic individual handed me my “meal” with that oh so familiar vacant expression and a grunt of “thereyago”, I retired to the torture device they pass as a seat and prepared myself for the veritable feast which awaited.

I chose the large Big Mac meal, as follows…

Big Mac – Lukewarm, dry, all the flavour of a week dead rodent

Fries – Fried what? No potato has ever tasted like this!

Orange Juice – Because as is so often the case, one of the worker-orcs had jammed his hand into the machinery or some other foolishness and the fizzy beverage dispenser was still clogged with unspeakable lumps

Mmm. Delectable.

But what’s this, what’s happening, could it be? IT IS!

A British man has complained!

Oh yes folks, I complained.
I wasn’t foolish enough to do it to the face of someone who could quite conceivably cast a hex on me, but I contacted them via e-mail and eagerly await the results!

And why this time, why not one of the hundred other occasions on which I was dissatisfied with their service?

Simple, I needed material for the blog.

Al out net-heads.

We're all the same apparently.

According to certain religions (and we won’t be going into this too heavily because quite frankly religion angers me) man was created first and then the Big Beard in the Sky knocked up woman out of spare parts ’cause we were lonely.

One would assume that, had Adam not have been whining on about having no-one to talk to, God would have made other arrangements with regards to breeding and such and woman would never have come to be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you kinda wish Adam hadn’t have shot his mouth off.

Don’t get me wrong, I like-a the ladies, but given the constant torrent of “man bashing” on Facebook of late I felt that it was our turn.

So much utter tripe is spewed by the female of the species that I felt it was time to address some of their most pressing concerns.


Would it be fair to say that when looking around a bar or club, your eye is inexorably drawn to pretty girls? Yes

Does everyone have different ideas as to what is in fact attractive, the old beauty, eye, beholder bit? Yes

Doesn’t that negate the shallow part of the argument because at the end of the day different people are attracted to different physical types? Of course

Are men able to read a woman’s mind at the moment he glances at her and discern whether or not he would like to get to know her based on his Vulcan mind meld appraisal of her personality? No

Is the female argument here actually a load of old cobblers? Certainly


What women are trying to tell you here is that all men are lazy.
No, no we’re not.
I do plenty around the house, which means I am not lazy.
To fit into the generalisation, given that i’m not bone idle as theory suggest, I must therefore be a woman.
Having glanced down, my genitalia seem to be male and in full working order, so I think we’ve quelled that particular issue girls.
Not all men are lazy, if your partner is, get rid of him and find one who’ll cater to your every whim as you are secretly hoping or tell him to pull his finger out and help.
Either way, don’t tar us all with the same brush.


Only a woman could, without any trace of humour, complain about the fact that the person they are with finds them desirable and would like the opportunity to express that love through the act of intercourse, or “bumping uglies” for the less literate among you.

That being said, it’s not all we think about, there’s lots in our minds.
Let me give you a brief insight into my thought processes, we’ll take it from just after the kids head to bed and calm settles o’er the house:

“Hmm, what to do tonight, watch a DVD? Play a little X-Box? Hey wasn’t that Doctor Who special on tonight? I could do with a snack. I’ll see if the missus fancies a cuppa that’d be nice. Bless her she looks tired. Maybe i’ll rub her feet. Hey if I do, she might have sex with me! Mmmm, sex”

You see, there was plenty of stuff in there which wasn’t about sex.
What you girls need to be saying is “OMG THEY THINK ABOUT ALL SORTS, IT JUST ALWAYS ENDS UP AT SEX!!!”
And then you need to shut up complaining about it because the fact that we want to have sex with you means we find you attractive which is a good thing, although I expect we’re just being shallow.

I have more, but I think i’ll settle in to watch the hate (fe)mail roll on in.

Love you girls.

May cause laughter…

For a while now I’ve been taking some fairly strong painkillers for a problem with my ankle joints.

Don’t worry, I’m not angling for sympathy, although I will accept charity and will provide an address to send cheques to upon request, but I digress.

The point is, while fetching my dose earlier, I decided to take a glance at the potential side effects.
I admit this is something which, sensibly, I should have already done, but in all fairness I now wish I hadn’t.
Dizziness, sure, drowsiness, understandable, violent diarrhoea, of cou…hang about!

I understand that they have to list all possible side effects but it does give you pause.
I am currently taking medication to ease pain which may result in explosive defecation, vomiting, hallucinations and eventual death.

I can imagine the conversation if the doctor had mentioned any of this when he prescribed them…

Al: “So doc, these pills will sort out the pain and I should be hunky dory?”

Doc: “Certainly, I’ll see you again in two weeks to find out how you’re getting on. Was there anything else?”

Al: “No think that’s it, any side effects I should know about?”

Doc: “Not really, you might feel a little drowsy or dizzy, certainly avoid alcohol while taking them”

Al: “Fair enough, that all?”

Doc: “Well, no it’s nothing to worry about”

Al: “No, go on Doc”

Doc: “There’s a very slim chance that, and do please bear in mind that this almost never happens, but there’s a possibility that you might go completely insane, see lights in the sky and gibber insanely before experiencing diarrhoea so intense that your organs will leave your body due to the pressure.”

Al: “Ah”

Doc: “Yes, all of that will, of course, kill you. But I would imagine death would be a welcome release at that stage”

Al: “Hmm, so all things considered, you still recommend these pills?”

Doc: “Absolutely, as I said, it’s a slim chance”

Al: “Fair enough. Before I go I wonder if I could tempt you to stare down the barrel of this shotgun. Nothing to worry about although there is a slim chance that it’s loaded…”

Still, sure it will all go swimmingly.