Tis the season…

…to lose your patience with the assembled morons shuffling through the supermarkets in search of that last minute Christmas gift or vital packet of dates which no-one, NO-ONE, is going to eat anyway.
Jamie and family went to Tesco’s again yesterday.
He’s a masochist!
First, we negotiated the delightful ice rink which Tesco’s had kindly provided for the local children.
The strange part was how much it looked like their car park.
When we finally managed to spin, screaming, into a parking space, we headed for the store.
Never in my life have I seen so many imbeciles in one place.
We were pushed, shoved, stomped, glared at and I think someone tried to stab me with a knife from the homewares section because they thought I was eyeing the last bottle of Pinot Grigio.
If anyone out there is wondering what to get me for Christmas, i’d imagine the shops are pretty busy again today, so why not go burn them down…
Have a holly, jolly festive season folks.

They called it what…

As a special treat for the festive season, Jamie and friends took themselves, and therefore me, off on a mini adventure looking for humorous place names in Dorset.
The first visit was to the aptly named Shitterton.
Now, personally, if I lived in Shitterton, I would try to draw as little attention to it as possible, I would most definitely not choose Shitterton Farm House, Shitterton as my adress.
I did however appreciate the person who had tried to soften the blow, realising that Shitterton was not the best address to have, they went with 13 Pooh Corner for the house number and name, definitely distracting you somewhat from the name of the hamlet.
We took a short jaunt round the corner to Butt Lane, immature but amusing, before jetting off to the delightfully named Piddlehinton.
Now, I didn’t think it could get any better than this but we soon found ourselves at…wait for it…Cocklands.
No, not a nightclub in Brighton, Cocklands is a street name somewhere in Dorset.
I’d love to give you directions, but we just taking random turns at this point and i’ve not the first clue where we were.
So there you have it folks, when you’d had enough of I’m A Big Celebrity Brother Of A Pop Factor Idol and your significant other is causing that delightful “I just want to beat you with a shovel” feeling in the pit of your stomach, just hop in the car and head to Shitterton.
You will feel infinitely cheered.

P.S – If anyone is visiting this site having found one of the many cards we posted on village noticeboards throughout Dorset today, many thanks for coming along to hear me ripping into the name of your happy home village, why not drop us a very likely to be abusive comment.

P.P.S – Just in case anyone doubts that the existence of the humorously named villages and streets above, more pictures to follow shortly, guaranteed edit free.

Al Vimh's visit to Shitterton
Al Vimh's visit to Shitterton

Think F.A.S.T!

So, has anyone seen the advert on the tv which tells you what to do when someone is having a stroke?
They advise you of the symptoms to be wary of and give you some very helpful advice.
Of course, you’d like to think someone would call an ambulance for you when A GIANT BURNING HOLE APPEARS IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR HEAD!!!!!
I mean, what the hell?
Never mind the fact that the only advice they give is, essentially, if someone has a stroke you should call 999.
WOW! I never would have guessed, thank you so much for your help, I probably would have just shipped them off to the dentists or perhaps called for a pizza!

My turn…

Jamie has been invited out for a few drinks tonight.
The minute those magic words were uttered, I stepped up.
Tonight, Al Vimh is in charge of Jamie’s body.
Look out world, your ass is grass…

p.s. Drink sensibly folks 🙂

Yo ho?

As I am, sadly, a voice in Jamie’s head, I am damned to travel wherever he does.
Today, he went to Tesco’s, a terrifying prospect at the best of times.
As we barged through the pre-Christmas shopping crowds, elbowing some blue-haired old biddy’s who were ooohing over the Werther’s Original display, I noticed that the staff were not wearing their usual mindless drone costumes.
They were, in fact, dressed as pirates.
They’re raising money for some charity or another, i’m sure it’s a worthy cause so I decided to join in the fun.
The trouble I took to rig up a mast, tie one of the staff to it and lash them with a cat ‘o nine tails was, I fear, not appreciated…