She said WHAT?

Picture the scene…

BBC Question Time Headquarters, just one hour until air time.

You’ve rang every politician, pundit and person of note that you can think of but everyone has prior engagements of some form.

Roland the Rat couldn’t make it, Basil Brush has a speaking engagement at a Conservative party dinner, what the hell are you going to do?

In a last, desperate search of Google, you stumble across this:

The name sounds vaguely familiar, so you take a look.


It’s that woman that was on that Lord Sugar program that time.

You can’t remember her, you don’t know if she’s so much as half a brain in her head but by Floaty Beard, surely she’s available? SHE IS!

Having filled the fourth slot, you sit back to watch the evening unfold.

An hour later, you’re already packing up your stuff before the p45 has been printed…

Katie Hopkins, ladies and gentlemen, who actually said:

“Women don’t want equality, they want special treatment”

This from an alleged woman? Disgraceful…

In hope of finding some redeeming quality in this woman, I decided to read her blog.

The first article I hit upon was:

“10 Things To Love About Lady Thatcher”

I’m not going to attack the woman for loving Thatcher, i’m going to allow her an opinion.

A privilege i’m tempted to revoke having seen her reasons, especially Number 5, “The Handbag”

“We knew Thatcher was real because she carried things about. In a handbag. We like that. And she looked like she might wield it in anger if required. And we liked that even more.”

I’ve seen Paris Hilton carrying a handbag Katie, but i’m damn sure I don’t want her running the country.

You won what? How?!

Those of you who follow my Twitter feed may have noticed my occasional plea for votes in the Shorty Awards.
Sure, I didn’t make a big deal of it, some of you may not have even known, but I was nominated and, if I was capable of positive emotions, I would have been thrilled.

Would you like to know what doesn’t thrill me?

Being beaten in the Shorty’s by Louis Tomlinson.

Don’t know who he is? No, probably not, because people who read this blog tend to be rather intelligent and enjoy actual entertainment as opposed to the shash which takes up 90% of broadcast time in this country.

Louis Tomlinson is a member of the band One Direction, a band which came third in the 2010 series of The X-Factor.

Now, there is a #music category in the Shorty Awards and despite the fact that the horrendous, shrieking noise which issues forth from the mouths of Tomlinson and his fellow brain donors CANNOT be classed as music…and breathe…I accept that this is my opinion and their fans have every right to vote for them within this category.

However, I did snatch a tweet from amongst the slathering hordes which clearly stated the intentions of the fans.

It would appear that, irrespective of any actual elligibility for the categories, the fans are determined to get the assorted members of One Direction to the top of every table, if at all possible.

Which is why I find myself trailing behind a man whose comedy gems include this, this and, Jesus Christ, this.

Seriously people? You want THIS to win a HUMOUR award?!

Dara O’ Briain beating me? Fair bloody play.
Stephen Fry? I would have it no other way.
This walking puddle of pizzle? That’s a kick square in the comedy nethers!

The worst part, that’s not even the main issue here tonight…

The thing is, i’d planned a little diatribe about this subject anyway, but the National Television Awards are happening even as I spew this bile forth into the word processor.

As it turns out, the ass-hats who have scuppered my hopes of an award have taken it too far now.

“QI” and “Mock The Week”, for my money two of the finest, funniest television shows now or ever, have lost out in the Best Entertainment category to “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.”

Mmmm. Hmmm.

“I’m A Name You Might Remember, Get Me Exposure” has pipped actual entertainment to the post and I am baffled as to why?

I realise the government are currently reforming the NHS but I didn’t realise their first move was free lobotomies for all?

I might pitch an idea for a show to ITV, titled “Celebrities In Beige”

Constant, 24 hour coverage of a group of celebrities in a small, beige room, not speaking, not moving, just being there and being beige.

Personally, I think i’m on to a winner.

Just another Monday.

Ah, another Monday.

A fresh cup of coffee, the children playing happily in the background, the good wife brings me a bacon sandwich.

Well, this isn’t bad at all, even old Al could manage a non-commital grunt of possible approval at a time like this.

A quick look online to see what’s occuring in the world and…kujhgfrvjklhsgr

*Some time later*

Having replaced my coffee soaked keyboard and wiped down the monitor, I shall now address one of the most ridiculous articles I have EVER had the misfortune to clap eyes upon.

Twisted, sadistic individual I may be, but even I hesitate to ask you to read this:


There, you made it through. I’m proud of you.

So, Melanie Phillips is a little miffed that there may be more homosexual references used in exam questions.

So what?

Those two words cover my argument really.

“In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why homosexuals move from the countryside to cities.”

So what? A subset of the community choose to make particular choices when choosing a dwelling, discuss.
That sounds like a damn fine Geography lesson to me.

“In maths, they will be taught statistics through census findings about the number of homosexuals in the population.”

So what? A group within a larger group being used to illustrate statistical analysis, that makes sense, surely?

“In science, they will be directed to animal species such as emperor penguins and sea horses, where the male takes a lead role in raising its young.”

So wha…hold on.
What? WHAT?
What the hell has that got to do with anything?
I think Phillips needs a little refresher course in equations herself.

Male + Primary Care Giver = Homosexual

Does not compute.

Male + Primary Care Giver = Male Primary Care Giver.

Gay, straight or sleeping with the family cat makes no difference!
Well, the cat thing maybe but he was such a nice man.

Phillips goes on to say that:

“it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby to destroy the very concept of normal sexual behaviour.”

Now, it would be easy for me to take the low road here and claim that ANY sexual activity with Melanie Phillips could be classed as abnormal, because she is clearly some kind of mutant.
Seriously, look at her picture, by Floaty Beard, that woman abuses the right to be ugly.

But I won’t do that, that would be crass.

I will ask her instead what exactly IS “normal sexual behaviour”

I’ve no doubt she would define it as the act whereby a man and a woman might potentially conceive a child.


Sorry, i’m sorry. It just…oh can you imagine?

Back on topic, um…yeah, sex and stuff, who’s to say what’s normal?

There are probably folks out there who enjoy dressing up as the characters from ‘Allo ‘Allo and banging each other senseless of a weekend, it’s unusual but who the hell am I to judge?

From her initial jump-off point of homosexual references in schools, she moves on to defend assorted other bigots.

My personal favourite is her attempt to justify the actions of B&B owners Peter and Hazelmary Bull, sued for refusing to allow a gay couple to share a bedroom in their establishment.

According to Phillips, they:

“were but the latest religious believers to fall foul of the gay inquisition merely for upholding”

Come on woman, we’re talking about a B&B where the motto seems to be:

“The customer is always right, less’un he’m one of those dirty gay folk”


I have to go and scrub my eyes with wire wool and bleach (she really is sinfully ugly) but i’ll leave you with this little equation of my own, see if you can solve it?

Melanie Phillips + Daily Mail =

I’m not getting involved.

With everything which has gone on in the news of late, I decided that I would take a step back.

There are other, better political bloggers out there to cover the news for you and Floaty Beard knows, they have enough material.

Take Nadine Dorries for example, the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire.

Now, i’m not going into it but I will ask if you saw her tweetings from earlier in the week?:

There’s this one

And this one

which she followed up with:

This one

Right, i’m just wondering, what difference does that make?
Quote or no, I can only assume you believe that pile of drivel to have posted it on Twitter?
I mean, I had an e-mail today which assured me that Cialimegapenilift was THE erectile dysfunction pill but, doubting the efficacy of their product, I DIDN’T BLOODY TWEET ABOUT IT!

But as I said, i’m not getting drawn into the political machinations of the country just now.

Mind you, what about the NHS reforms?

David Cameron and his pencil topper, Nick Clegg are slowly but surely taking this country to the cleaners.

Next step in their “Screw You Britain” plan of attack? So-called reforms of the NHS.

Don’t get me wrong, the NHS could use a little re-thinking, what major organisation couldn’t?

I’m just not so sure they are going about it the right way.

Perhaps i’ve got the wrong end of the stick but plans would seem to include pushing management tasks onto GP’s to cut down on admin staff?

Hmm…I can’t get an appointment for love nor money, which leads me to assume that my GP is either fighting crime and has no time for such paltry pursuits as the health of his patients, or is pretty busy with all the sick people.

Call me nuts, as many have before, but looking at one of the surgeries local to me, there are six doctors and, unless I am mistaken, one hundred and eighty four receptionists.
I may have fudged the figures just a little, but my first thought is not “Fire every last receptionist and let the doctors pick up the slack!” so much as “We could do with less receptionists, certainly…”

I digress, politics is not really my area, so on to the main reason for this blog which, I admit, is semi-political.

Did anyone catch Alastair Campbell on Question Time this week?

I’m not entirely sure why but, at one point, he felt the need to put on a Scottish Accent when quoting/mocking George Galloway.

I don’t mind a bit of Galloway mocking, I have, sadly, seen that cat video, but the accent Alastair?

I hear he’s joining Jon Culshaw for the new series of Impressions, you’ll forgive me if I don’t Sky+ this one…

The Anti-Valentine’s Card?

Hate Valentine’s day? Or at least have a seething indifference to it?

Why not send a truly unique card this year, the Al Vimh Anti-Valentine’s (or “It’s only Feb 14th) card.

Go on, make someone's day a little less special