D . I . Why?

Any DIY job is a lot like a one-night stand.

You start out so full of hope but it generally turns out to be an ultimately unsatisfying affair and you’re left with a horrible mess which is NOT what you had in mind when you began.

Also, there is the real risk that you could fall off of something and injure yourself (Really happened. Two words, avoid waterbeds)

“But what has brought about this sudden hatred of home improvements?” I hear you ask when prompted.

Well, the host body and his marital unit have decided to redecorate…

Work began this morning on the room belonging to the two smaller humans, half pink, half blue and all a pain in the ass.

In this particular instance, i’m actually glad that the host body is so pathetically lacking in basic motor functions, because a very able friend of his has in fact done the job for him.
(Many thanks to @BlamelessNinja, who very kindly painted the bedroom and in keeping with his name, accepts zero responsibility for any paint related mishaps and/or deaths)

If Clumsy McHostBoob had been doing the work, it would have gone very differently.

Here’s my step-by-step guide to “Dumbass Does Decorating”

1 ) Set up the pasting table

2 ) Mix up a batch of paste

3 ) Remember that you’re painting, not papering

4 ) Pour paste away

5 ) Dismantle paste table

6 ) Search entire house for a screwdriver with which to open paint

7 ) Borrow screwdriver from neighbour

8 ) Attempt to open paint

9 ) Slip and tear ragged wound in palm with screwdriver

10 ) Bleed profusely while wrapping elastoplast and duct tape around hand

11 ) Second attempt at opening paint

12 ) With one mighty wrench of the screwdriver, both open the paint and knock the tin over, ruining the carpet

13 ) Mop up excess paint

14 ) Buy large rug to cover massive stain when job is done

15 ) Very carefully open second tin of paint

16 ) Begin to apply paint to wall

17 ) Look down at paint spatters on the carpet

18 ) Slap forehead, having just now realised that you bought dust sheets for this

19 ) Mop up excess paint

20 ) Call carpet shop, order new carpet to be delivered next week

21 ) Wonder if you should have paid for professional fitting

22 ) Figure you can probably manage to lay a carpet

23 ) Look at the mess you’ve made in the first hour of decorating

24 ) Call carpet shop, request professional fitting

25 ) Lay dustsheets

26 ) Continue decorating

27 ) Finish with the roller, stand back and admire your work

28 ) Realise you’ve leant against the wet paint

29 ) Patch up the mess you’ve made of the wall

30 ) Begin carefully cutting in around fixtures and fittings

31 ) Fetch damp rag

32 ) Wipe paint off of fixtures and fittings

33 ) Step back once again to admire your endeavours

34 ) Cringe as you stand in the roller tray

35 ) Fall backwards, landing on the screwdriver which you definitely shouldn’t have just left lying around, I mean, what are you? An idiot?

36 ) After a lengthy visit to casualty, thirteen stitches and procurement of a “special cushion”, return home

37 ) Find yourself face to face with irate wife

38 ) Realise that you’ve painted the wrong room

39 ) Fling yourself out of the window

40 ) Relax in your hospital bed as professionals clear up your mess

And there you have it, one moron’s painting and decorating tips, free of charge.

Tune in next week when we’ll tell you how to build your very own television unit which will likely collapse in the night, cause a horrific fire and kill you and your family.

Stay safe kids.

Royal pain in my ass…

So, the royal wedding is almost upon us and apparently i’m supposed to care.

April 29th sees the marriage of some girl to some guy, just as it did LAST year when my host body wed a comely young maiden.

Yes, host body’s first anniversary falls on the date of the royal wedding and, asides from the UberSpecialBonusBankHoliday, it’s just going to interfere with plans.

Traffic will probably suck as moron monarchists head out to assorted parties.
Restaraunts and pubs will doubtless be packed with people watching, talking about, arguing about or whinging about the royal wedding.
Hell, i’ll be amazed if host body can get his anniversary end away without having to wrap his chap in a Union Jack.

It’s not that I hate the idea of Wills & Kate tying the Royal knot, it’s just that…I don’t care.

I truly could not give a rat’s teensy weensy ass about the royal wedding and, as such, will be doing pretty much ANYTHING other than watching the nuptial.

In fact, here are five things I would rather be doing and may in fact try on April 29th:

1) Watching paint dry:

Ok, it’s a bit of a cliche but i’m a sucker for a classic.
I’m figuring i’ll paint a massive “Balls to the happy couple” sign and see how long it takes to dry.

2) Feeding myself to the dogs:

I know what you’re thinking, being slowly eaten alive by slathering canines would be a horrendously painful way to die.
But then again, BT Vision expect me to watch several films about weddings between now and the 29th to “Get in the mood”
Pros and cons, right?

3) Reading the entire Mills & Boon back catalogue with James Blunt for background music:

Wow. That’s horrible. I…I might take another shot at the dogs.

4) Swallowing and then excreting a pineapple, whole:

I’m not entirely sure which end would struggle more, but if it takes my mind off of this wedding wossname, i’m game

5) Read Lord Of The Rings in it’s entirety, while watching all three films back to back, tweeting every difference between the two:

That’s right you swine, i’d do it too.
If I have to suffer the Royal Ridiculousness, you will fall prey to my geekly anal rententiveness!

You know what, screw it, I might knock back a couple cases of cough syrup and spend the entire weekend in sweet, narcotic oblivion.

To the happy couple…

An apology? Not likely…

Loyal followers, I have an apology to make.

I have, in past Tweets and blog entries, berated someone who I have now come to admire.

Justin Bieber, I am sorry.

I have made comments about your chipmunk-on-helium voice, your legions of devoted, demented fans and your generally irritating demeanour.

Well, no more.

Henceforth, I pledge to say only nice things about the Bieb, my personal, musical hero.

UPDATED : Later on April Fools Day…

Well, I doubt anyone believed the apology above, but just in case…

Justin Bieber is a squeaky voiced gimp midget, who should be silenced with extreme prejudice.

I would sooner face an army of the undead than spend one second in the company of his legion of demented fans, the so-called “Beliebers”

Apologise? Bieber, thou shall feel my wrath!

Did I push it with the thou bit? Feels like I was pushing it. Hmm…