Having grown weary of the Host Body’s usual beans/spaghetti/ravioli/butter on toast, I decided that tonight I would seize control and prepare the evening meal.
At a dinner party with Sata…a certain individual, some time ago, I developed a fondness for Chicken & Vegetable Lasagna, so I decided to give it a go.
So, follow these simple steps and in no time at all you’ll be sinking your teeth into a truly sumptuous repast.
Couple of onions
Peppers (assorted colours)
Tomatoes, one tin of
Chicken breasts, two or three or whatever
Dried lasagne sheets or the ability to make fresh lasagne sheets
Jar of lasagne sauce (Red)
Jar of lasagne sauce (White)
Every pot, pan, dish, bowl, spoon, spatula, knife and tin-opener that you can lay hands on
1 ) Chop the onions into a large saucepan
2 ) Chop the mushrooms into the same saucepan
3 ) Start chopping the peppers
4 ) Get told off by your Significant Other for using peppers which are clearly well past their use by date
5 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other
6 ) Storm out of the house
7 ) Return with apology chocolates and fresh peppers
8 ) Chop peppers into the large saucepan
9 ) Empty tin of tomatoes onto the worktop
10 ) Swear loudly
11 ) Scoop tomatoes from worktop, into bowl
12 ) Prepare to pour tomatoes into saucepan
13 ) Get told off by Significant Other, who can clearly see the pieces of onion skin, crumbs and assorted detritus which is now mixed in with the tomatoes
14 ) Have second row with Significant Other
15 ) Watch as Significant Other storms out of the house
16 ) Apologise when Significant Other returns with fresh tin of tomatoes and pointed expression
17 ) Empty tin of tomatoes into saucepan
18 ) Turn hob to highest heat
19 ) Keep quiet as Significant Other turns it down a couple of notches
20 ) Crush six cloves of garlic and drop into saucepan
21 ) When Significant Other asks, swear that you only put in one clove
22 ) Begin dicing chicken breast
23 ) Slip with knife, stab self in hand.
24 ) Pull knife from hand, screaming in agony
25 ) Resist urge to stab Significant Other when they say “Don’t think you wanted to do that, did you?”
26 ) Wrap teatowel around hand and begin scooping bloodied chicken into a bowl
27 ) Realise this is bloody stupid even for you, throw the chicken in the bin
28 ) Hunt through freezer for chicken
29 ) Realise that the chicken wouldn’t defrost in time, even if you found any
30 ) Go to nearest shop and buy more chicken, pre-diced
31 ) Fry pre-diced chicken
32 ) Burn pre-diced chicken
33 ) Burn previously diced hand, trying to remove pan of burning chicken from the hob
34 ) Drop pan on foot
35 ) Burn foot
36 ) Jump around on one foot, put one hand on worktop to steady yourself
37 ) Realise that you have actually put your hand on the hob
38 ) Burn hand
39 ) Scream with rage, fling pan at wall, kick oven, punch through cupboard, storm out of kitchen
40 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other
41 ) Apologise and return to kitchen to clear up mess
42 ) Find kitchen on fire
43 ) Call fire brigade
44 ) Get told off by Significant Other for over-reacting
45 ) Watch sheepishly as she throws wet teacloth over what is, in actual fact, a small flame
46 ) Apologise to fire brigade
47 ) Take Significant Other out to dinner
And there you have it!
Obviously, if you are single you’ll need to berate and/or slap yourself wherever you find the words “Significant Other”.
Either way, you’ve got the perfect excuse for a night out, possibly after a trip to casualty.
In 1984, the Host Body came into this world but, in keeping with his inability to do anything right, he arrived with his feet pointing in quite the wrong direction.
He was diagnosed with Talipes Equinovarus, “Clubfoot” in laymans terms.
(You know, i’m not sure who this Layman chap is, but he came up with some nifty terminology to make all this medical nonsense much easier to spell)
Anyhoo, his feet were turned inward and upward and a series of surgeries were undertaken to correct this.
The last of these surgeries took place when he was 10 years old.
They very kindly performed the surgery at the start of a school summer holiday so he would be healed up in time for the new school year.
The left foot was pretty good, the right, not so much.
For years he suffered day to day aches and pains but so what?
He was alive, reasonably healthy and tried not to let it affect him.
Up until the age of 17 he attended regular check ups to see how the foot was getting on.
Mention was made of possible further surgery but the choice was left to him.
He decided, as he was getting along OK, to forgo the operation.
And then, “The Incident”
One night, as the Host Body was arseing about doing something tedious, he noticed his left foot was a little swollen.
This was nothing new, his feet had a tendecy to ache and swell when he had been on them for a bit and he’d been doing some decorating that week.
The next day he arose from his slumber, partook of his regular caffeine boost and set about his business for the day.
He tidied, he painted, he broke various household objects.
Come the evening, the foot was very swollen and becoming increasingly painful.
By late evening, the wretched man was writhing in agony on the couch, whimpering like a puppy with a thorn in it’s paw.
Sickened, though I was, by this display of weakness, I had to agree that the man needed medical attention and so I aided the Marital Unit in dragging his carcass to the nearest Accident & Emergency department.
This was the beginning of several weeks of doctors appointments, consultants appointments, clinic appointments and much bitching from the Host Body, culminating in a diagnosis of Osteoarthritis in both ankles.
The arthritis was caused/exacerbated by the fact that Host Body had been walking on a broken bone in the right foot for 10 years or so, after the staples from the last operation had sheered off and the bone failed to heal.
The solution? Major surgery to the right ankle, to fix the broken bone, hopefully make it stronger and take some of the weight off the left ankle.
In August 2010, the Host Body underwent a fusion operation, leaving him with naught but slight up and down movement in the ankle and a foot which looks like a partially digested pork scratching.
Throughout all of this, I would like to say that the DWP were incredibly helpful and understanding.
I would LIKE to say that, but the truth is they have been about as much help as a large pile of excrement.
According to the DWP health professional* who examined the Host Body for his ESA claim, there’s nothing wrong with him and he should pick his lazy arse up and get back to work.
DLA? Pfft. Get knotted, good sir.
After a long fought battle, Host Body WAS finally awarded DLA, ESA is still under appeal.
I would like to point out, right now, that neither the Host Body nor myself are complaining, at this point.
No we’re not, really.
Yes, there’s a lot worse we could be going through.
My point is, he’s not a picture of health but the DWP have been less than useless, at least useless would have some use in there somewhere.
Hmm, clever that…
Anyways, he is obviously appealing the ESA decision but in the meantime, I thought I should write up a “Gizajob” letter, just in case:
I write to you on behalf of my Host Body, to enquire as to any positions which may be currently available within your organisation.
Host Body is reliable, to a given value of reliable.
I mean, he can’t actually walk most days and only gets around on his hands and knees so you’d have to either allow him to work from home a lot of the time or make sure you’ve got well padded carpets.
Oh, he’s not good with stairs either.
No, REALLY not good with stairs, he sleeps on the couch and pisses in a bottle, what with the lack of downstairs toilets in the house, so best he only ever has to work on the ground floor.
Also, is there a bus route which let’s off right outside your door? If not, don’t even bother replying, it’s a no-go.
Of course, even with all of the above, he’d only make it into work when dosed to the gills on painkillers but not to worry, it’s not hugely likely that he would be so drugged as to feed himself into any machinery or anything.
No, i’m sure he’d be fine.
But other than that, he’s an intelligent, hard working individual who would be an asset to any organisation.
Wow, DWP are right, this guy should get his ass back to work, zippylike.
*For “Health Professional” read “Glassy eyed, slack jawed moron who couldn’t be trusted to put a plaster on a boo-boo”
When you’ve stopped screaming at your monitor, answer me one question.
Is it too late to have Nadine Dorries aborted?
Yeah? Damn it.
Well something needs to be done, because I can picture sex-ed under Dorries rule…
“Now, girls, boys are bad and will definitely try to force you into sex”
“But miss, my boyfriend and I are waiting and…”
“SILENCE WHORE! As I was saying, boys WILL demand sex, but you can, no you must say no!”
“Miss, I want to have sex with my boyfriend, we feel we’re ready and we’re both 16”
“Feelings? FEELINGS?! You’re 16, you don’t know real emotion from a hole in the ground, you brazen hussy!”
“Well miss, shouldn’t you teach us what to do if we DO decide to have sex?”
“Heavens no child, no sex for you! No, let me show you how to lock your chastity belts”
She doesn’t give two hoots what you teach boys about sex, positions, methods of seduction, good places to pick up hookers, knock your socks off.
Girls, on the other hand, MUST BE MADE AWARE THAT MEN MAY AND PROBABLY WILL FORCE THEM INTO BED!
Perhaps i’m missing something, but that’s what i’m seeing here, that the male of the species is apparently little more than a walking penis, incapable of logical thought in the presence of the all important vagina.
No, Nadine, no.
Host body lost his virginity at 18, he was in a relationship, both parties were ready and they had consensual, reasonably enjoyable and only slightly awkward sex.
He didn’t force her at gunpoint, he didn’t jump her the moment she agreed to meet for drinks and he most definitely was not reduced to a salivating cock-on-legs at the sight of her.
Dorries, i’m going to leave aside the hypocrisy of hearing a husband-stealing harpy preaching about abstinence, won’t mention it once.
No, the fact that you’re on your back at the merest mention of member has absolutely nothing to do with this issue and as such, I shall refrain from including it in this blog.
Hmm, something…nah, that’s probably fine.
But I cannot and will not remain silent about the incredible stupidity of your proposed bill.
Teach children sex-education, make them aware of the risks of sex, make them aware also that it can and should be a wonderful act to be shared when the time is right.
Educate BOTH SEXES about the importance of being ready and not succumbing to pressure from partner or peers.
But turn sex into the proverbially forbidden fruit and then teach girls that men are going to badger them until they take a bite?
Well, following a very odd Twitter conversation with @TheBathBird, I am thrilled to present you with:
100 Ways To Kill With A Ballpoint Pen!
DISCLAIMER : DO NOT KILL ANYONE WITH A BALLPOINT PEN!
Murder is illegal and bloody hard to get away with.
If you do kill someone with a biro, don’t sodding well blame me.
This was meant to be funny, not informative.
Also, stop reading now if you can’t take a joke…
2 ) Using two ballpoints and an elastic band, you can fashion a rudimentary set of nunchakus.
3 ) Tie your intended victim to a chair.
Repeatedly prod a tiger with the pen and then set it loose.
Of course, you are going to need another, larger pen to take out the
4 ) Use the ballpoint to sign a contract, hiring a professional hitman.
5 ) Dig a large hole and stud it with several pens. I call this the “Penji Pit”. Catchy.
6 ) Write a letter to Chuck Norris, signed with your intended victim’s
name, demanding ransom for the kidnap of his cat.
7 ) A pocket full of pens and a small crossbow. Job done.
8 ) Using several ballpoints, draw a tunnel on a cliff wall, à la Wile E. Coyote.
Rub hands together in glee, as the victim’s car crumples against the rock.
9 ) Using a letter opener, gash three large holes in the back of your hand.
Insert a ballpoint into each hole and begin the clawing.
I call this “The Wolverink Method”.
10 ) Use the pen to sign a cheque.
Use this cheque to buy a gun.
Use the gun to shoot someone. Simple.
11 ) Approximately twenty ballpoints, a large piece of floral foam, a large stick and a little effort will give you an effective war mace…
12 ) Write the victims telephone number, along with an offer of lewd acts, on toilet doors the length and breadth of the land.
Around about the five hundredth call, he’s bound to fling himself from somewhere high.
13 ) If the victim is in a relationship, write a telephone number and name of a member of the opposite sex on their inner thigh while they sleep.
Their significant other will kill them in a jealous rage.
14 ) You’re going to need several million ballpoints, but i’m fairly certain you could drown someone in enough ink…
15 ) A trained monkey with a pen in each hand can make an effective assassin.
Or so I hear…
16 ) Remove the ink, nib and end cap from the ballpoint.
Voila, one blowpipe.
If you need poison darts, there’s a guy in Cairo…
17 ) Using a poisonous ink, draw a very realistic picture of a lollipop…
18 ) Find a guy with a knife who desperately needs a pen and propose a trade…
19 ) We’ve all seen the whole “using a ballpoint to perform an emergency tracheotomy” bit in films and television.
Do that, but don’t do it very well…
20 ) Locate a target who is in great peril and, for some reason, can only get the help they need by writing a letter.
Steal their biro.
21 ) Compose the following note:
“I LUV JUSTIN BIEBER! HE IS YUMMY AND SCRUMMY AND HAS DONE MORE FOR MOOSIC THAN THE BEETLES OR THE ROLLING STOANS PUT TOGETHA!, SIGNED *Victims Name*”
Send the note to me.
22 ) Brake pads are very effective for stopping a car. Ballpoints are not.
23 ) If you are an incredibly skilled artist, you could perhaps use a pen to forge a very realistic pound note.
This could buy you a hand grenade.
24 ) Starting out with a low level job in a ballpoint pen factory, work hard and rise through the ranks.
Eventually, reach the position of manager.
Then, having forged certain works documents, begin work on the worlds largest ballpoint.
Have it delivered to the victims house.
Push the gigantic pen, crushing the house.
NOTE : Best to ensure the victim is home, otherwise it’s just criminal damage.
25) Wait/arrange for your victim to contract an exotic disease, which forces them to live in an oxygen tent.
Pop the oxygen tent.
With a pen.
26) Have yourself stranded on a desert island with your intended victim and a large supply of ballpoints.
Build a raft, using the pens.
Set sail and drown when it proves to be far from seaworthy.
I admit, this method has the downside of you dying too but nevertheless…
27) Position a ton of pens above your victim.
I’m fairly certain you can see where this is going.
28) Melt down a handful of ballpoints.
Now, you’re going to need a Shuriken or “Throwing Star” mould. @BlamelessNinja can help you there.
29) Using the pen, forge upcoming schedules for ITV to show nothing but “I’m A Celebrity” repeats.
The ensuing riots will lay waste to the nation.
Deaths would be random but with some effort, you could ensure that the right people are in the wrong places at the right time.
30) Replace “routine checkup” with “experimental lobotomy” on victim’s medical records.
Using, of course, a ballpoint pen.
31) Beat victim to death with the pen.
Should take about six to eight weeks.
May need to tie them to something.
I mean, you wouldn’t hang about to be pummeled with a pen, would you?
32) Number 32 is too horrific to detail here, but it involves 32 ballpoint pens, several orifices and a gopher.
It…it sickens me.
33) Can wolves read?
I’m not certain but i’ve written a name on the inside of Bitey’s cage and i’m hoping he gets the message.
34) Take the victim sailing.
Invite them to try out your new rubber dinghy.
A rubber dinghy can be easily punctured with…well, you get the idea.
35) A little cayenne pepper can make all the difference to a bolognese.
As can crushed ballpoint pen.
The pepper adds a wonderful depth of flavour, whereas the biro adds a choking hazard.
36) Home made tattoo’s can become infected and are not recommended.
So, take one pen and a razor…
37) Ah, good old number 37.
Involving the use of fifty ballpoints, give or take.
I call it “The Human Hedgehog”
38) We all know how treacherous deckchairs can be.
With enough ballpoints attached, think of them as elaborate, full body bear traps.
39) Arrange a “Final Destination” style situation, whereby your intended victim cheats death. Then leave him in a room with hundreds of ballpoints.
Let Death do the rest.
40) Use your ballpoint to fill in a McDonalds job application form with your target’s details.
The monotony of the job will, eventually, kill them.
41) Construct an incredible skyscraper, made entirely from ballpoint pens.
Take your target to the very top to marvel at the view and the scale of your creation.
Push them off.
42) Challenge someone to a “Who can swallow the most ballpoint pens” contest.
Give them a 10 pen headstart, sit back and enjoy the show.
43) Use your ballpoint to write a play, involving an elaborate sword fight.
Cast your victim as one of the swordsmen.
At the height of the epic battle, beat him to death with a rolled up copy of the play.
Swerve, huh? Just call me Shyamalan…
44) Fill in a Blockbuster membership form, using your ballpoint.
Rent “Mamma Mia”.
Make your victim sit through “Mamma Mia”.
Kill them with a frying pan.
No court in the land will convict you for this, it’s clearly a mercy killing.
45) 6 pens, a canister of compressed air and some iron filings can, believe it or not, come together to form your very own chain gun.
For plans, send £5 to…no, i’ve said too much.
46) Stick pins in voodoo dolls? No, stick PENS in voodoo dolls!
47) Write a letter to “Jim’ll Fix It”, asking Jim to kill your victim for you.
I admit, this one may be a little out of date…
48) Draw a pentagram.
Summon the demon lord J’thal to claim your victim’s life.
Tell him I sent you, you’ll get a 10% discount and free “Demons do it for eternity” t-shirt!
49) Find a burly yet unintelligent gent, let’s call him “Big Jim” for sake of argument.
Steal an item of your victims clothing.
Write “Property Of Big Jim” in the neckline.
Ensure that the victim is wearing this item of clothing when you take “Big Jim” to his house to deal with the theft.
Now all that’s left is the clean up.
50) Use the ballpoint to fill out a lottery slip and purchase a ticket.
Win several million pounds.
Hire a butler.
Have the butler kill someone for you.
Ha, Jeeves you crazy bastard.
51) Write “Stab Me” on your target’s back.
Then, obviously, you stab them.
52) Write a lovely letter to your chosen corpse-to-be, flattering him or her incessantly.
I’m experimenting with this “Kill them with kindness” nonsense.
53) Write a will in your victim’s name, leaving millions of pounds to “Stabby Pete”.
Look him up, he’s in the Yellow Pages.
54) I’ve never been sure if Penny Crayon had the terrifying ability to bring doodles to life, or if it was the crayons which were cursed.
If it should turn out to be Penny, lend the little witch your ballpoint and have her draw you an army of unholy sketch demons to do your bidding.
After she’s done, we should probably think about taking Penny out.
Too much power…
55) If you drop a pen from the top of the Empire State Building…think about it.
56) One ballpoint pen.
One scrap of paper.
What you have, right there, is the makings of your very own “Black Spot”.
If you give it to your victim of choice, I can only assume that pirates will do the rest.
57) Use the ballpoint to fill out your adversary’s Death Certificate.
The paperwork to undo one of those is a bitch, so the registry office have specialist squads to help maintain the status quo.
58) Write enough “Would you mind killing ‘insert name here’ for me, i’d be ever so grateful” letters and one of them is BOUND to take.
59) Who do you want to kill, anyway?
Let’s call them Joe Bloggs, OK?
So, you write “Joe Bloggs was here” on Gary Busey’s wall.
60) Y’know, life would be so much easier if your intended dead guy was allergic to pens…
61) If you have a nice, metal ballpoint and your victim is dumber than a roomful of Glee fans (No, i’m not sorry) you can simply jam the pen into an electrical socket, switch on the juice and ask them to pull it out.
62) You could make a killer robot out of pens, right?
63) Now, I know the “Can wolves read” thing remains unanswered, but what about elephants? They’re pretty smart, right?
So, you write an “Elephants – Stampede This Way” sign and pop it outside your nemesis’ house…
64) Draw a knife.
Stab them with it.
WARNING : May not work outside of cartoons.
65) Want to kill a mountain climber? Replace their crampons with, you guessed it, ballpoint pens!
66) Draw a scary face on a piece of paper. Really scary.
Now, sneak up behind your intended victim, tap them on the shoulder and BAM! Heart attack.
Or at the very least, embarassing “and then he shit himself” story.
67) You’re going to need a lot of pens and some big-assed sheets of paper but i’ve got this idea for running a fake road up to the victim’s door…
68) Rubbing two ballpoint pens together could conceivably start a fire…
69) Find yourself a Sharon Stone look-a-like.
Now, you can probably guess where i’m going with this one.
Sex & stabbings.
70) Write “Justin Bieber sucks” in large letters, all over the victim’s house.
9 million Beliebers right? Surely one of them can get stabby for you?
71) Enough ballpoint pens would make a fine bridge.
Not a sturdy one, however…
73) Write “Candyman” 5 times on a post-it note.
Place on victim’s mirror and hope.
74) Planning to off a scientist?
With a ballpoint pen (obviously) change his formula, with hilariously fatal results.
75) Two ballpoints. Two nostrils. Coincidence?
76) If you plug your target’s urethra with a pen, they will eventually fill with urine and drown. Probably.
77) Re-write your victim’s horoscope.
Suggested content would include “Today is a good day to try drinking that bleach you’ve had your eye on” or “Lying in a busy road is a good way to meet that special someone”
78) Do you think you can fashion a sturdy pair of stilts out of ballpoints?
No, shouldn’t have thought so.
But don’t tell your “Test Pilot” that, hey?
79) Parachute? No. It’s a backpack full of pens. MWAH HA HA HA!
80) Does that sign say “No Swimming – Sharks!”?
Now, thanks to your trusty pen, it says “No Sharks!”.
Hopefully, no-one will question the scribble.
81) Grab yourself a pen and a handful of labels.
Now, wherever you see the word “Toxic”, replace it with “Delicious”
82) Construct a ballpoint cage and imprison your victim.
If they’re pathetically weak and can’t break out, they’ll starve to death.
Not the most efficient method but building the cage will keep you busy.
83) Know any stamp collectors?
Why not drive them to suicide by scribbling over the Queens face on a Penny Black?
84) By reversing the flow and increasing the pressure of the average toilet, you can fire a ballpoint pen roughly six feet into the air.
Unless, of course, it encounters resistance…
85) Play “Lethal Injection – The Home Game!” All you need is a pen, some poison and a vein!
86) With enough sellotape, string and pens, you can construct your very own gallows!
87) Do you know anyone gullible enough to believe that a vest of pens can stop a bullet?
88) Use your ballpoint to sign your target up to the Playstation Network.
Soon, their details will be hacked, their bank account emptied and it’s only so long before they’re on the streets, destitute.
It’s going to take a while for them to die out there, but hang in there slugger, it’ll happen.
89) Use your pen to draw Winnie The Pooh’s face on your victim’s chest.
Then piss off some bees.
90) “My God, he’s crashing. Nurse, the defibrillator!”
“Right, charge it to…my god, this defibrillator is made entirely of pens!”
“He’s gone, doctor”
91) Digging a pit 500 feet deep with a ballpoint pen is time consuming, but entirely possible…
And that’s all im allowed to print.
I have another nine, but they’re banned under the Geneva Convention.
So, I turned to my Twitter followers/psychopathic monsters.
This is what they gave me, I take no credit and/or responsibility for these:
92) Use a ballpoint to press the nuclear launch button
(Thank you @imstevewilson for this method. Keeps fingerprints out of the equation, very handy)
93) Colour the victim blue as they sleep.
Contact Gargamel and tell him you’ve found the worlds biggest Smurf. (A @blamelessninja Original)
94) Several pens and an army of pygmies? You’ve got yourself an army of spear wielding pygmies! (Another @blamelessninja entry)
95) Attach a ballpoint pen to a yoyo.
Scream “GET OVER HERE” as you wing it at your target.
Oh, wear something yellow. (A final, Mortal Kombat inspired entry from @blamelessninja)
94) Colour someone red and put them in a field with a bull (Thanks to @PhillWatson1970 for this incorrect but most amusing suggestion)
95) Fashion a ballpoint into a crude form of penny whistle and play ‘Amarillo’ until your adversary’s head explodes (Thanks to @Frazz1e, i’m trying this one)
96) Pressure sensor on the point, triggering the explosives in the ink compartment. (Thanks to @Superted1990)
97) Tell someone that a pen lid is great for scooping out earwax, then when they try it, whack them with a cricket bat so the pen lid plunges into their brain and blood comes out and they twitch and then die and then you feel a bit bad about it. (That terrifying gem courtesy of @BinaryDad)
98) Draw a Raoul Moat face on a piece of paper with a red biro, cut it out and wear it as a mask. Shoot people. (Yes. Well, thanks to @wo0 for that one. You’re going to Hell.)
99) Write “I am a Brazillian plumber” on his forehead and send him to Stockwell Tube Station (You’re sick, you know that @PhillWatson1970?)
100) And finally, why not bore someone to death with a written version of this list?
(Thank you @paulholio, you git.)
Special thanks to @BlamelessNinja for some particularly imaginative entries and for keeping me company through the gruelling process of coming up with this crap.
Now, I’ve been typing for hours so I’m off to have my RSI treated and buy some more pens.