Back To The Studio…

As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”

This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.

So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?

Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?

Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?

Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.

But no.

Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.

That’s it.

That’s the entire sodding story!

In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.

She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.

They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!

I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!

Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:

Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”

Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”

Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”

Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”

Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”

Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”

Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”

*tape rolls*

Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”

Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”

Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”

*back to live feed*

Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”

Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”

I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.

An open letter to an unknown party…

Dear disease-ridden penis boil.

Today, the crippled putz (or Host Body) had to drag himself into Taunton Job Centre to sit down and talk to a lovely woman about this website and his merchandising income.

This was not, as he had been given to understand, a routine appointment.

No, they wanted to discuss a call which had come in from the Benefit Fraud Hotline.

And why has he been reported?

For running this website, of course.

Yes, you goat-pleasuring son of a rancid buttock, your call worked and he was called in to explain himself.

Oh bugger, claiming benefits while earning a few quid online, he’s in trouble now right?

Wrong.

You want to know why?

Because Host Body is not a moron and i’m a freaking genius.

You’ll never guess what we did.

We told the Job Centre about the website, quite some time ago.

We explained the merchandising side of things, making sure to explain the most important points, which are:

1) Until we build a very, VERY large following online, we’re not really going to make any money from merchandise.

2) The merchandise which IS online now, awesome as it may be (because I designed it), is more a trial run of the merchandising potential than the full range which we’d like to have available in the future.

3) We’ve made $7.53 thus far

4) We don’t expect to make a lot more, yet.

That’s right, we told the Job Centre, we went through all the details, they referred us to a small business advisor who thinks there’s some definite money in slogan merchandise but we haven’t the following yet.

So, Host Body has easily circumnavigated the shit pile which you have tried to land him in and hobbled on about his business.

He’s happy to let this slide, not a vengeful man our Jim.

I am though.

I’m not the Happy Little Voice In His Head.

Not the Chirpy Voice.

Certainly not the Forgiving Voice.

I’m the Angry Voice and I shall have vengeance.

To quote another vengeful spirit and dear friend of mine, @BlamelessNinja, “Run fast, run far, I will find you”

Laugh? I nearly started…

Not everyone is funny.

Let’s just lay that out, right now.

I know everyone THINKS they have a great sense of humour, but the truth is that some people are about as chucklesome as invasive bowel surgery.

My question is, why do I always meet these comedy-sapping morons whenever I leave the house?

The worst part, I think it’s really the same few morons using a series of cunning disguises…

#1 – The Punchline Guy

You’ve met him, everybody has met this joke-murdering son of a bitch at some point.

A conversation with The Punchline Guy usually goes like this:

PG : “Hey pal, how’s it going?”

AV : “Aw crap, not yo…I mean, yeah hi, how’re you?”

PG : “Pretty good. Heard a great joke the other day!”

AV : “Fantastic, why not keep it to yourself?”

PG : “Yeah, so…now how did it start?”

AV : “I will kill you, you know this”

PG : “Yeah, there’s three…no, two…”

AV : “I’m leaving”

PG : “Well anyway, the punchline is ‘Sure, with a bucket of chicken’ HUR HUR HUR HUR classic. Hey, where’d he go?”

Setup. Punchline. It’s a formula even Doofenshmirtz (What? It’s a Phineas & Ferb reference. Look it up) couldn’t screw up.

#2 – Racial Slur Guy

I hate this guy.

I really hate this guy.

RSG : “Hey buddy, want to hear a joke?”

AV : “No, i’d sooner be buggered to death by a minotaur”

RSG : “Right”

Racial Slur Guy will then look over his shoulder, checking to make sure that the room contains no members of the ethnic group he is about to crudely mock.

At this point, Racial Slur Guy usually takes a boot to the teeth and I go about my day.

If he’s busy for any reason, you can be assured that his cousin, Homophobic Bill will be knocking about somewhere

#3 – Mr PG

This is the worst.

Racial Slur Guy is a god-awful piece of bigoted sputum and Punchline Guy would lose a battle of wits with his own shoes but this guy…he actually means well.

Seriously, that’s what makes him so ball-witheringly awful.

A man who believes that BUM is a word unfit for the ears of women and children and who has used the phrase “Pardon My French” so often that I might buy him a sodding beret. (Thanks to Racial Slur Guy for that little gem)

As Statler & Waldorf (Yes. A Muppets reference. I’m catching a lot of kid’s TV lately) once said, “Leave the comedy to the bears and the psycopathic, non-corporeal entities”

I may be paraphrasing, but you get the point.

One more “Knock Knock” joke and i’ll knock knock him the hell out and take one of his kidneys as a warning.