FAQ YOU!

People often say to me, “PLEASE GOD NO! I WANT TO LIVE!”.
They also often say “Hey Al, what’s the deal with…” and then I either stop listening or silence them with a well placed boot.
So, being uncertain what questions people would frequently ask if I ever let them finish, I turned to Twitter, Facebook and my own twisted imagination.

What the hell are you?!

I, Al Vimh, am a non-corporeal, malevolent entity, currently residing within the mediocre mind of 27 year old family man, James McLellan.

How did you get the name, Al Vimh?

Al Vimh is an acronym of Angry Little Voice In My Head.
It’s the name James used to describe me, back when he still believed I was just a character that he had created.
Of course, now he mostly calls me “OUT OUT OUT WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME IN PEEAACCCEEE!!!”,  but I prefer Al Vimh.

How the hell did you get in here?

I’m an expert lockpick and your rent-a-cops are apparently allergic to being shot.

If you’re really a rage-filled, murderous, demonic being, why keep up a blog, Twitter account and Facebook page?

What? Shut up, that’s why!
Look, there’s only so much stabbing, shooting, burning, choking and poisoning you can do
in one day.What the hell else am I supposed to do with my down time?

How do you unwind after a rough day of pandemonium and rage (from KT – Facebook)

Well, I like to sit back in a comfortable chair, prop my feet up on a pile of corpses and enjoy a glass of scotch and some soothing classical music.
But it has to be said, I don’t think of what I do as work, stabbing morons in the throat and berating imbeciles on Twitter is more a labour of love.

Who do you consider to be the perfect woman? (from KT – Facebook)

Host Body begged me to let him answer this one, but he got as far as “No voice, huge ti..” and I cut him short.
As a non-corporeal being, I can really only mate with another of my race and they died out long ago.
But I would dearly love to find another formless, rage-filled entity such
as myself, that we might bring into the world an army of my genocidal offspring.
And yeah, huge ti…

What…what’s that in your hand?

This? This is just a little shot, you’re going to go to sleep now and i’ll take you
somewhere quiet where we can…talk

How do I get potassium cyanide written off as a business expense? (from @DianaProbst)

Ah, haven’t we all wondered this at one time or another?
Potassium Cyanide is most assuredly a fantastic way of despatching bothersome neighbours and persistent Jehova’s Witnesses, but if you buy it in bulk, as I do, the cost mounts up.
So, i’ve set up a shell corporation with interests in gold mining.
Potassium Cyanide is used in this industry for purposes of extraction, as it produces water-soluble salts from the gold metal, when exposed to the air.
By running all purchases through the A.V Mining Corp I manage to save myself around 30% off the cost.
I still have to pay full whack for biological weapons though, doesn’t seem fair.

WHERE AM I!?

This is my little sanctuary, somewhere to escape the pressures of the rat race.
Don’t touch that, it’s sharp.

What is your party trick (from @MJMillerrelliM)

Well, I don’t like to brag but I am incredibly good at balloon animals.
At a children’s party once, I made this amazing tiger which actually savaged three of the kids before it was brought down in a hail of gunfire.

Will you please let me go? I won’t tell anyone what I saw. (from the simpering moron
in my basement)

Shhhhh *CRACK* *THUD*

If you have any other questions (and the balls to ask them), just drop me a line on Twitter or in the comments section below.
I’ll put them in Part 2.

P.S – Thanks to @BlamelessNinja for inspiration and for helping me to bring in Basement Guy.

Translating Bieber – Part 1

It has been suggested that I have judged Justin Bieber somewhat
harshly.

I took an instant dislike to the lad simply because he resembles a
strangled ferret, sounds like a strangled ferret and has all the
personality of a…well, you see where this is going.

However, i’ve never actually listened to any of his music.

So, I settled down to a night of Youtube to educate myself in the
melodic ways of Bieber.
After half an hour, I blacked out.

My doctor has informed me that it is not OK to bleed from the ears
quite so profusely, so for medical reasons actual auditory analysis
of the little moron’s music is a no-go.

In lieu of actually hearing his “bangin’ toons” I have read some of
his lyrics.

What language is this?

I have spent many hours with my replica Rosetta Stone, various
translation programs and the entire works of Dan Brown and I
believe I have deciphered some of his work.

And so I present, Translating Bieber – Part 1:

LYRIC :

Cause shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova

TRANSLATION :

I know of a young woman who suffers from congenital dwarfism.Cruelly, we refer to her as “Shorty”She selects men at random, with the intent of instigating a short
term sexual relationship.

LYRIC :

Them other guys?I can see right through ya.

TRANSLATION:

I have no idea why that group of men are standi…GREAT SCOTT!
YOU HAVE BECOME ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT!

LYRIC :

And I was likeBaby, Baby, Baby ooh

TRANSLATION :

Devastated by the loss of my supposed true love, I could do nothing
but utter my pet name for her repeatedly and whimper like a puppy
with his testicles caught in a door.

LYRIC:

She knows she got me dazing cus she was so amazing

TRANSLATION:

This young lady is incredible, such is her beauty and grace that it
dampens coherent thought.She may very well have drugged me…

LYRIC :

I’m gone.Yeahh, yeah, yeah.

TRANSLATION :

If you are reading this note, I am no longer here.Before I left, I shouted “Yeah”Please txt me if you still hear the echo, i’m trying to win a bet.

LYRIC :

You see I never thought that I could walk through fire

TRANSLATION :

Does anyone have any Savlon?

LYRIC :

And i’m fast enough to run across the sea

TRANSLATION :

Following a recent head injury, I suffer sporadic episodes of
delusion.Currently, I believe that I am Jesus.

I will now take some incredibly strong painkillers and have a long
lie down.

I will bring you more when I have the strength.