The kids are back at school and we’re all enjoying the peace and quiet.
But so help us, we do miss the little blighters, don’t we?
So, when they get home it’s nice to sit down, have a nice meal and then tuck them up in bed with a story.
But bugger me, fairytales are tedious.
So, next time you tuck your little cherubs in for the night, why not read them my version of this children’s classic.
Unless you don’t want to raise a violent sociopath, in which case i’d stick to the original.
Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Little Red Riding Hood.
Well, that wasn’t her given name.
Everyone called her that because she wore a cape with a hood, which was red.
I can only assume that her name was something impossible to pronounce, so they named her after her clothing.
What sort of terribly dull personality must she have had, not to warrant a better nickname?
But, anyway, that’s what they called her.
One day, her granny was feeling quite poorly so her mother sent Red to visit her.
She took a basket filled with cakes, pies and absolutely nothing of medical value and set off through the woods.
Yes, her frail, aging grandmother lived in the middle of the woods, alone.
I assume this was before “Giving a shit about your relatives” was invented,
Now, before she left her mother was sure to warn her about the wolf which had been terrorising the area.
I, personally, wouldn’t have sent my tiny child out into the dark woods, in her ever so visible bright red cape, to face down a wolf.
Still, it was a different time.
So, she wanders off into the wolf infested forest, certain death waiting around every corner and before long, she encounters The Big Bad Wolf.
The wolf, who has apparently been knocking around some serious radioactive hot zones, greets her cordially.
That’s right kids, this ravenous monstrosity could talk.
Her reaction to this is, amazingly, not to run home gibbering about talking, glowing wolves but rather to engage the slathering beast in conversation.
“Where are you going, little girl” the wolf asks despite lacking the necessary vocal chords to formulate speech.
Now, at this point I would have either kicked him in his wolf-balls and made for cover or told him where the Three Pigs were hiding out these days.
But no, Little Red Riding Dumbass tells him she’s off to see poor old granny.
Christ, she probably drew him a map on a napkin which she sprinkled with her own blood in case she lost her scent.
The wolf shows remarkable restraint and figures why eat one tiny girl now when, with a little planning, he can eat Red for starters, chow down on some feeble old lady for main and then nosh the cakes and pies from the basket to finish it off.
So, using the map that Red so kindly gave him, he hot paws it on over to Grannys and swallows her hole.
HA! Sorry, swallows her whole.
Very different story that would have been.
Anyway, this wolf has always been a little curious so he slips into some of Granny’s clothes.
Just as he’s admiring himself in the mirror, wondering if he could grow his fur out and maybe pad the bodice with some pine cones, there’s a knock at the door.
He doesn’t even have time to change so he concocts some feeble story about dressing like Granny to “fool Red” which, let’s face it, is balls.
He hops into the bed and in a quavering but still clearly wolf-like voice says “Come in dearie”
Red, being clearly devoid of any semblance of sense, thinks “Hmm, Granny sounds quite wolfesque today but ho-hum, these cakes won’t deliver themselves” and in she skips.
Now, Little Red is, i’d imagine, around four foot nothing and weighs about 8 stone.
The moment she closed the door, the wolf could have cleared the room in a bound, torn her limb from limb and spent the rest of his afternoon trying to pick the perfect bag to go with his newly acquired sundress.
But no, he decides “What the hell, let’s fuck with her for a while” and proceeds to impersonate the old woman who he previously devoured in a bite.
Red, moron though she be, has noticed that Granny looks a little different than she remembers.
Her nose is certainly more pronounced, she’s covered in fur and she has teeth quite capable of biting out a man’s jugular.
She doesn’t run, of course, but assumes that poor old Granny has had a botched facelift and proceeds to quiz her about it.
The conversation goes something like this:
RED : “What big eyes you have Granny”
WOLF : “GROWL GROWL AWWOOOOOOOOOOO”
No? Oh right, sorry, talking wolf.
WOLF : “All the better to see you with my dear”
RED : “But Granny, there’s no direct corrolation between…”
WOLF : “MOVE ON TO THE EARS DAMN YOU”
RED : “Ok. Wow, you’re grumpy when you’re ill”
WOLF : “Just hurry it up, i’m famished”
RED : “Fine, fine. What big ears you have”
WOLF : “All the better to hear you with, my dear”
RED : “Yes but Granny, you look like the BFG”
WOLF : “That’s hurtful, you know that?”
RED : “I’m just saying, they’re…”
WOLF : “I’ve got big teeth too, haven’t I?”
RED : *giggles* “Sure do, Bucky O’ Hare”
WOLF : “Oh screw this”
At this point the wolf has had it with Little Red Smartarse Hood and goes for that leap and savage plan that we talked about earlier.
So, he’s devoured Red and Granny and sits back to hunt out a nice pair of pumps.
Cue the wandering axe murder…woodsman. The wandering woodsman.
This happy-go-lucky fellow is wandering the woods with a massive axe and hears some commotion over at old Granny’s house.
He decides to check it out and, chopper in hand DON’T LAUGH heads to the door.
When he opens the door he sees, because he’s not an imbecile like Red, a bloody great cross dressing wolf.
Wolfy gets as far as “Oh it’s not what it looks li…” before the woodsman lops his mutant head off.
The moral of the story kids is, it’s OK to kill for revenge.
What? Red and Granny? They’re dead.
No, I don’t care what Mikey said to you at school, if the woodsman guts the thing all he’s going to find are chunks of human flesh, slowly digesting.