National Poetry Day: Roses Are Red…Sometimes

Decided to do a 10 minute tippedy tap for National Poetry Day.
Ended up with a short poem as introduction to a longer poem. No, I don’t know what I was thinking either. Enjoy!

The “roses are red” style of poem
Has oft driven me to distraction
Being largely factually innacurate
But i’ve not, up to now, taken action
To correct the various errors
In the four line verses we all scribble
But that ends today
I’m so glad to say,
As I poetically offer a quibble…

Often, it’s said
that roses are red
And violets, bizarrely, are blue.

Of course, we all know,
that it’s not always so
and both of them vary in hue.

Roses can be
many colours, you see
And violets, likewise, can vary.

Having said that, I guess
to attempt to compress
All of that into rhyme, is quite scary

A tricky prospect, no doubt
When one’s laying out
A simple poetic endeavour

To attempt to include
The various hues
Into four short lines WOULD be clever

T’would be quite the trick
But the thought makes me sick
And I mutter, quite quietly, a curse

As my heart rate increases
I quite fall to pieces
At the prospect of writing such verses

Roses, not red
But purple instead
And violets of green and of yellow

Not to mention the pink
For the roses, I think
“THERE ARE TOO MANY COLOURS!” I bellow

It was simpler, I own
With one colour alone
For each of the flowers i’ve mentioned

I think that I ought
perhaps not to have brought
this minor detail to attention

Now, my head surely aches
and my writing hand shakes
But there is just one thing left to be said

From now on, it’ll do
To say violets are blue
And all bloody roses are red!

Armageddon And On And On And On

The world ended today. You might have missed it. You were probably at work or hanging out the washing or masturbating to images of George Osborne dressed as Sailor Moo-

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Sorry about that, I had to vomit for several hours. Seriously, after that mental image I actually wish the world would end.

It won’t though.  Please don’t misunderstand me, the sun will eventually explode and flash fry the entire globe, which will destroy the machine army which had wiped out the human race centuries before, but it’s not happening just yet.

You look a little confused. Yes, I am watching you through a camera, move on with your life. Anyway, confusion, sorry, let me explain. First, take a look at this piece by the Independent. Go on, i’ll keep myself amused while you read.

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That’s right, they’re at it again. In case you didn’t read the article and skipped ahead (understandable, i’m much more entertaining than the Independent) i’ll give you the shit-homework-is-due-today version.

Do you remember Harold Camping? He was the Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world back in 2011. Now , no-one was more shit-in-my-shoes shocked than I was when the Earth completely failed to explode on the predicted date. Thankfully, it turned out that Camping wasn’t completely wrong, he’d just missed a memo somewhere along the line.

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Cue Chris McCann, another Christian radio host.  I can only assume that the interview for that particular position goes something like…

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

INTERVIEWEE 1: “Gee, I don’t know. Science predicts cert-“

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “NEXT!”

*One out, one in*

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

McCANN: “Soon! And with lots of fire and angels and shit!”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Can you press ‘Play’ on the gramophoneeolamatron?”

McCANN: “…not sure, chief”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Close enough, welcome aboard”

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So, McCann explains that Camping’s predicted date is the beginning of 1600 days of something or other and blah blah wossname, today is the day. Sorry but if he’s right, I need to wrap this up before midnight if I want to go out with even a few blog views.

Seems unlikely though. Nothing’s happened yet. The world doesn’t appear to even be smoldering, let alone wreathed in the flames of God’s wrath. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one.

Almost makes you wonder if he’s just made this claim for fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, the whole internet is…talking about…him…

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I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD WILL END ON JANUARY 19th 2022!

THE SKY SHALL OPEN AND 101 ANGELS SHALL POUR FORTH, POSSIBLY RIDING DALMATIANS! TERRIBLE SHALL BE THEIR CRIES OF RAGE, NOT TO MENTION THE BARKING AND RAIN OF DOG SHIT!

THESE HEAVENLY HORDES SHALL LAY WASTE TO THE LANDS, DRIVING THE WICKED TO HELL WITH THEIR FIERY SWORDS AND DIRECTING THE RIGHTEOUS TOWARDS THE STAIRS! ELEVATORS WILL BE PROVIDED FOR THOSE WITH MOBILITY ISSUES!

WHEN ALL MANKIND IS GONE, THE FINAL ANGEL SHALL UTTER THE WORDS “ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! DESTRUCT! ZERO!” AND ALL SHALL BE DARKNESS!

That should be good for a couple thousand hits and around sixty thousand dollars in donations to the Church of St I Don’t Know Of The Holy Arseholes To I, I Could Use A New Car.