When I first heard about “50 Shades Of Grey”, I was astounded to find so many people reading John Major’s autobiography. After a while, I realised that our former, monochromatic Prime Minister does not feature at all and instead the book is about sex, romance, sex, more sex and possibly butt plugs.

I could talk about the woeful double standard in Facebook statuses, with women frequently talking about their desire to have a fictional character riding them like the 50p rides outside Tesco, even though I would be viciously chastised for pointing out that Holly Willoughby has a pair of breasts with which I would like to become better acquainted. But I won’t.

The truth is, i’ve no issue with the book itself, having not read it and I certainly have no problem with women frotting themselves silly over it. None of my business and go you ahead. My only issue is tediom. Every other Facebook status which pops up on my timeline is about this book. Every. Other. Status. As with anything, if it is overhyped I become instantly agitated by it and have had to place the book on a ban, I won’t be reading it unless people shut the fuck up about it for a while. Look at Avatar. So many people told me that I had to watch it because “IT AM DA BESTEST MOVIE FILM EVER OMFG BBQ BSE CJD HMS!” that to this day I still can’t bring myself to sit down and give it a go.

Still, as no-one on Facebook is willing to talk about anything else, I decided to piece together the plot from assorted statuses so I could join the conversation. So here’s what happens in “50 Shades Of Grey”. Possibly.

There is a man called Mr Grey. His first name is Christian. Or he IS a Christian. Not sure. Either way, he is endowed with a member so awe-inspiring that it brings sexual gratification to women at the mere mention of it’s engorged wossname.

This sexual messiah meets a young woman, her name doesn’t matter because she’s essentially an “Insert Your Self Here” template known in fan-fiction circles as a “Mary Sue”. Young Mary Sue is a virgin, which Mr Grey believes to be some sort of illness which he immediately sets out to cure by ravishing her in ways most unholy. Inexplicably, she decides against reporting him to the nearest authority and/or biting his nadgers off, instead choosing to live a life of debauchery and depravity…OK, perhaps not so inexplicable. Nice work if you can get it.

Either way, Mr Grey requires that she must sign a contract. I’m not sure what this contract entails, perhaps it’s an album deal? I assume that she showed some musical talent while screaming his name and he decided to make her a star. That’s probably it.

To celebrate their new partnership and imminent musical fame, they visit a restaurant called “The Red Room”. They then make passionate love on the sweet cart, shocking all present and completely ruining the blancmange.

At this point, you reach the centre of the book. You know how movie novelisations often use this space for photographs from the film? 50 Shades Of Grey has a packet of moist towelletes for clean up.

That’s all i’ve been able to figure out from Facebook updates, if I get any more details i’ll keep you posted. Happy wanking.