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Translating Bieber – Part 1

It has been suggested that I have judged Justin Bieber somewhat
harshly.

I took an instant dislike to the lad simply because he resembles a
strangled ferret, sounds like a strangled ferret and has all the
personality of a…well, you see where this is going.

However, i’ve never actually listened to any of his music.

So, I settled down to a night of Youtube to educate myself in the
melodic ways of Bieber.
After half an hour, I blacked out.

My doctor has informed me that it is not OK to bleed from the ears
quite so profusely, so for medical reasons actual auditory analysis
of the little moron’s music is a no-go.

In lieu of actually hearing his “bangin’ toons” I have read some of
his lyrics.

What language is this?

I have spent many hours with my replica Rosetta Stone, various
translation programs and the entire works of Dan Brown and I
believe I have deciphered some of his work.

And so I present, Translating Bieber – Part 1:

LYRIC :

Cause shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova

TRANSLATION :

I know of a young woman who suffers from congenital dwarfism.Cruelly, we refer to her as “Shorty”She selects men at random, with the intent of instigating a short
term sexual relationship.

LYRIC :

Them other guys?I can see right through ya.

TRANSLATION:

I have no idea why that group of men are standi…GREAT SCOTT!
YOU HAVE BECOME ENTIRELY TRANSPARENT!

LYRIC :

And I was likeBaby, Baby, Baby ooh

TRANSLATION :

Devastated by the loss of my supposed true love, I could do nothing
but utter my pet name for her repeatedly and whimper like a puppy
with his testicles caught in a door.

LYRIC:

She knows she got me dazing cus she was so amazing

TRANSLATION:

This young lady is incredible, such is her beauty and grace that it
dampens coherent thought.She may very well have drugged me…

LYRIC :

I’m gone.Yeahh, yeah, yeah.

TRANSLATION :

If you are reading this note, I am no longer here.Before I left, I shouted “Yeah”Please txt me if you still hear the echo, i’m trying to win a bet.

LYRIC :

You see I never thought that I could walk through fire

TRANSLATION :

Does anyone have any Savlon?

LYRIC :

And i’m fast enough to run across the sea

TRANSLATION :

Following a recent head injury, I suffer sporadic episodes of
delusion.Currently, I believe that I am Jesus.

I will now take some incredibly strong painkillers and have a long
lie down.

I will bring you more when I have the strength.

An apology? Not likely…

Loyal followers, I have an apology to make.

I have, in past Tweets and blog entries, berated someone who I have now come to admire.

Justin Bieber, I am sorry.

I have made comments about your chipmunk-on-helium voice, your legions of devoted, demented fans and your generally irritating demeanour.

Well, no more.

Henceforth, I pledge to say only nice things about the Bieb, my personal, musical hero.

UPDATED : Later on April Fools Day…

Well, I doubt anyone believed the apology above, but just in case…

Justin Bieber is a squeaky voiced gimp midget, who should be silenced with extreme prejudice.

I would sooner face an army of the undead than spend one second in the company of his legion of demented fans, the so-called “Beliebers”

Apologise? Bieber, thou shall feel my wrath!

Did I push it with the thou bit? Feels like I was pushing it. Hmm…

So, not Saturday then?

I’ve been a little quiet of late, blog-wise.

I think it’s because there is just so much stupidity in the world that i’m struggling to keep up.

I could, of course, weigh in with my opinion on the Libya situation (give me five minutes with Gadafi and a 2×4, i’ll sort this crap out) but Twitter has convinced me that there is a far more important issue to discuss.

Rebecca. Sodding. Black.

She has been trending now for, oh I don’t know, maybe six years?

And why?
Because she muttered a rhyme or three into an electric fan and got a friend to Windows Movie Make her a video for it.

It’s horrible! HORRIBLE!

“Gotta get my bowl, gotta have cereal”
WHY IN THE BLOODIEST OF HELLS WOULD I CARE, YOU VAPID BINT?!

If she had been having pancakes on Friday, none of this crap would have happened.
It’s like she decided to sing her diary!

I wonder what other “hits” she has planned for us, “Trey Doesn’t Like Me” perhaps? Or “I Think I’m Getting Fat” maybe?
If she releases “I’ve Considered Suicide” i’ll start a campaign to make sure she follows through on it.

And now the rumours are circulating that she might collaborate with that squeaky little poprechaun, Bieber.

If that happens, i’m finally pushing the “Planet Killer” button.
I’ve held off for too long world, you have been warned.

UPDATE : 5 minutes after posting…

OH CRAPPING HENRY!

I grabbed the Youtube link for the “Friday” abomination and found this:

Rebecca Black – Friday (Unplugged)

NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO!

I thought the soulless robo-voice from the video was some kind of autotuning but as it turns out, the wretched creature really “sings” in that lifeless drone.

If I EVER see the words “Rebecca Black” and “UNPLUGGED” again, it had better be a story about life support…