Category Archives: News

Armageddon And On And On And On

The world ended today. You might have missed it. You were probably at work or hanging out the washing or masturbating to images of George Osborne dressed as Sailor Moo-

s73kc

Sorry about that, I had to vomit for several hours. Seriously, after that mental image I actually wish the world would end.

It won’t though.  Please don’t misunderstand me, the sun will eventually explode and flash fry the entire globe, which will destroy the machine army which had wiped out the human race centuries before, but it’s not happening just yet.

You look a little confused. Yes, I am watching you through a camera, move on with your life. Anyway, confusion, sorry, let me explain. First, take a look at this piece by the Independent. Go on, i’ll keep myself amused while you read.

s73qr

That’s right, they’re at it again. In case you didn’t read the article and skipped ahead (understandable, i’m much more entertaining than the Independent) i’ll give you the shit-homework-is-due-today version.

Do you remember Harold Camping? He was the Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world back in 2011. Now , no-one was more shit-in-my-shoes shocked than I was when the Earth completely failed to explode on the predicted date. Thankfully, it turned out that Camping wasn’t completely wrong, he’d just missed a memo somewhere along the line.

s73xb

Cue Chris McCann, another Christian radio host.  I can only assume that the interview for that particular position goes something like…

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

INTERVIEWEE 1: “Gee, I don’t know. Science predicts cert-“

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “NEXT!”

*One out, one in*

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

McCANN: “Soon! And with lots of fire and angels and shit!”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Can you press ‘Play’ on the gramophoneeolamatron?”

McCANN: “…not sure, chief”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Close enough, welcome aboard”

s74b2

So, McCann explains that Camping’s predicted date is the beginning of 1600 days of something or other and blah blah wossname, today is the day. Sorry but if he’s right, I need to wrap this up before midnight if I want to go out with even a few blog views.

Seems unlikely though. Nothing’s happened yet. The world doesn’t appear to even be smoldering, let alone wreathed in the flames of God’s wrath. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one.

Almost makes you wonder if he’s just made this claim for fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, the whole internet is…talking about…him…

s74ig

I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD WILL END ON JANUARY 19th 2022!

THE SKY SHALL OPEN AND 101 ANGELS SHALL POUR FORTH, POSSIBLY RIDING DALMATIANS! TERRIBLE SHALL BE THEIR CRIES OF RAGE, NOT TO MENTION THE BARKING AND RAIN OF DOG SHIT!

THESE HEAVENLY HORDES SHALL LAY WASTE TO THE LANDS, DRIVING THE WICKED TO HELL WITH THEIR FIERY SWORDS AND DIRECTING THE RIGHTEOUS TOWARDS THE STAIRS! ELEVATORS WILL BE PROVIDED FOR THOSE WITH MOBILITY ISSUES!

WHEN ALL MANKIND IS GONE, THE FINAL ANGEL SHALL UTTER THE WORDS “ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! DESTRUCT! ZERO!” AND ALL SHALL BE DARKNESS!

That should be good for a couple thousand hits and around sixty thousand dollars in donations to the Church of St I Don’t Know Of The Holy Arseholes To I, I Could Use A New Car.

Hallowe’en Fun? Just Say No!

It’s half past nine in the morning and i’m already angry enough to fling kittens into a mincer. Why?

Give this a read.

That’s a story from the Westcountry’s finest paper of news, the Western Gazette, detailing the Avon & Somerset constabulary’s hard stance on kids looking adorable and enjoying sweeties. Well, that’s how I read it.

Look, I know exactly what the problem is. Every year, while kids go from door to door, being unbearably cute and asking for chocolate, there are a few little bastards round these parts who hammer on doors, ask for cigarettes and cash and then wing a handful of eggs at any house which refuses them. The problem is that the police are entirely too lazy to deal with the perpetrators, so would rather cast a shadow of misery over the entirety of Hallowe’en.

The line which really grips my shit is “We would just like to remind people that if they intend to trick and treat – which is not endorsed by the constabulary”. Not endorsed by the constabulary. First of all, it’s trick OR treat, not trick and treat, you feckless halfwits. But more importantly, the fact that it’s “not endorsed” by the po-po is a polite way of saying “we would MUCH rather you didn’t do it at all”.

Balls to the police and their endorsement, or lack thereof. Balls to the little swine who’ve made a point of ruining Hallowe’en for kids who just want to blag enough free chocolate to send them into a diabetic coma. Balls to whoever designed that poster because that font is far too cheerful for such a miserable sentiment and finally, balls to anyone who prints it off.

Don’t misunderstand me, you’re more than welcome to ignore trick or treaters if you so wish. I’ll not quibble with that, because that’s personal choice. But by putting that poster in your window you’re MORE likely to get your house egged, trees covered in toilet rolls, tyres slashed, whatever. Because to the kind of git who goes out on Hallowe’en armed with a dozen eggs and a can of spray paint, that sign might as well read “MISERABLE TOSSER LIVES HERE! PLEASE DESTROY MY HOUSE!”

If you’re not against the idea of kids indulging in a bit of harmless fun, i’ve done my own poster. Stick one of these up in your window, if you like.

HalloweenPoster

Download a copy of this hastily thrown together abomination here.

If you do get anyone pushing their luck, call the police. If they’re not too busy designing a “Fuck Christmas” poster, i’m sure they’ll show up.

EDIT:

It has been pointed out to me by a few Twitter folk that the report states that extra police will be working on August 31st. That’s fabulous. They’ll be able to deal with any issues surrounding the Moldovan National Language Day. Not sure how it helps with Hallowe’en, mind…

It’s All Gone A Bit Far

A news story, brought to my attention by the always lovely Flayman, has me frothing at the mouth more than i’ve ever mouth-frothed and by CRIKEY I have frothed in the past. The story concerns a young lad who decided to make a joke on Facebook. A joke about riots. Here, have a read of this.

When first wondering how best to address this issue, all I could come up with was BALLS! BALLS! BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS!!! It’s ridiculous. This lad decided to have a bit of a laugh at the expense of a difficult time. Fair dinkum. When I heard that Pavarotti had died my immediate reaction was to make a joke about the Three Tenors being down to a score. Not my best work and most assuredly in bad taste but if you don’t laugh at all the awful crap that goes on in this world, you’ll never stop crying.

Now this chap faces a “lengthy custodial sentence”, which is quite frankly a fucking outrage. You know what a suitable punishment would be? Sod all, obviously, but if the judicial types are dead set on giving him a telling off, i’d like to see this happen…

JUDGE: “You have been found guilty of breach of the peace, somehow. We’re not sure how. Stupid really, huh? Ah well, i’ve got to do something about it now I suppose.”

LAD: “It was a joke, your honour. I’m truly sorry.”

JUDGE: “Obviously it was a joke, but it’s these damnable jobsworths you see, my hands are tied.”

LAD: “I understand. I hope you won’t be too hard on me?”

JUDGE: “I’ve no idea. Not a custodial sentence, obviously. That would be sodding ridiculous, right?”

*laughter throughout the court*

JUDGE: “Well, do you promise to delete any friends from Facebook who might be stupid enough to think you actually wanted them to riot?”

LAD: “Absolutely!”

JUDGE: “Good enough for me. On you go, you cheeky wee scamp”

That would do me. What i’d really like to see, mind you…

JUDGE: “He’s up for what? Bollocks! Case dismissed.”

But that won’t happen. Here’s my favourite piece of drivel from the article.

Sheriff George Way deferred sentence until next month for background reports – and released Allan on bail conditions including a ban on using the internet.

But he warned Allan: “On a comparative basis a very lengthy custodial sentence is inevitable.”

Inevitable. In-fecking-evitable. How? How is it inevitable? Surely common sense and basic human bloody decency should prevail here. Someone has to look at this case and say “Y’know, sending this lad down for several years…well, that’s just bloody stupid”.

But no, that won’t happen. Do you know why? Because people are that stupid.
I tell you, it’s enough to make me want to riot.