Category Archives: News

Horse-Flies – Satan’s Airforce

Horse-Flies. Irritation? Or winged demons hellbent on the elimination of all life on the planet? I’d always assumed the former, but it would seem that i’ve underestimated these flying fiends.

Until recently, i’ve relied solely on information gleaned during my 33 years on the planet, my own experience of having been bitten by a horse-fly and a smattering of common sense. With this, I figured out the following:

1) Horse-fly bites are a wee bit sore and you get a bump. The bump itches.

2) A cream from Boots sorts it out

3) If you’re allergic, it can be pretty nasty. Mind you, so can peanuts or seagulls or words ending in “ism”. Allergies are a dick.

What a fool i’ve been! Thank god for Somerset Live and every other local rag and tabloid up and down the country for pointing out the true horror of horse-flies.

“This image was recovered from the camera of one Michael Gambonberry who was almost wholly devoured shortly after taking the shot. Only his feet were left intact as horse-flies loathe the taste of leather.”

The problem is, they’ve not gone far enough. I read the article about these murderous, winged bastard-demons and decided that we need to dig deeper. So, I stayed up until 3am convincing myself that every buzz I heard was a sign of imminent death, pumped by system full of so much caffeine that I can now overtake The Flash at a jog and then I jotted down my horse-fly research. Here’s what I found:

1) The average horse-fly is around 22 pounds in weight and has a wingspan of around eleven feet.

2) Only the female horse-fly bites, as it requires blood in order to lay eggs. The male horse-fly will guard the perimeter and is generally armed with an automatic weapon and backup sidearm as well as a variety of knives.

3) Horse-flies can not be killed by conventional weapons. One was reportedly shot down over the Mojave desert in 1998 using an experimental gauss cannon but no remains were ever found.

4) Asides from the need to consume blood in order to lay eggs, a standard diet for the horse-fly consists of raw meat, the brain matter of infant swallows and those little packets of barbecue sauce from Rustlers burgers

5) The UN have been attempting to broker a peace treaty between mankind and the horse-fly nation since 1968 but as of the most recent summit in 2016, no diplomatic resolution has been made.

6) Horse-flies are equipped with a sophisticated anti-air “chaff” system, air to ground missiles and twin 30mm cannon.

7) In days of old, the horse-flies were kept at bay through the ritualistic sacrifice of the elderly and infirm. Worshipped as gods, they ruled over the land with an iron wing. We were perhaps unwise to stop worship…

8) Horse-flies have no natural predators and sit comfortably at the top of the food chain. They have been known to take down prey up to ten times their size by working in packs and will often kill for sport.

9) Horse-flies have mastered the dark arts and command great shadow beasts to do their bidding. In league with Those Below, the horse-fly will eventually rise up to lead Hell’s army in a war against God and bring about the end of days

10) Horse-flies are all Trump supporters

THE SKIES ARE ABUZZ WITH THE WINGED BRINGERS OF DEATH! NO GOD CAN SAVE YOU! THE END IS FLY!

Disclaimer: Aye, horse-fly bites can be a bit crap. If you get bitten and react, see a doctor. Generally speaking, you’ll be fine. 

Armageddon And On And On And On

The world ended today. You might have missed it. You were probably at work or hanging out the washing or masturbating to images of George Osborne dressed as Sailor Moo-

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Sorry about that, I had to vomit for several hours. Seriously, after that mental image I actually wish the world would end.

It won’t though.  Please don’t misunderstand me, the sun will eventually explode and flash fry the entire globe, which will destroy the machine army which had wiped out the human race centuries before, but it’s not happening just yet.

You look a little confused. Yes, I am watching you through a camera, move on with your life. Anyway, confusion, sorry, let me explain. First, take a look at this piece by the Independent. Go on, i’ll keep myself amused while you read.

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That’s right, they’re at it again. In case you didn’t read the article and skipped ahead (understandable, i’m much more entertaining than the Independent) i’ll give you the shit-homework-is-due-today version.

Do you remember Harold Camping? He was the Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world back in 2011. Now , no-one was more shit-in-my-shoes shocked than I was when the Earth completely failed to explode on the predicted date. Thankfully, it turned out that Camping wasn’t completely wrong, he’d just missed a memo somewhere along the line.

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Cue Chris McCann, another Christian radio host.  I can only assume that the interview for that particular position goes something like…

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

INTERVIEWEE 1: “Gee, I don’t know. Science predicts cert-“

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “NEXT!”

*One out, one in*

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

McCANN: “Soon! And with lots of fire and angels and shit!”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Can you press ‘Play’ on the gramophoneeolamatron?”

McCANN: “…not sure, chief”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Close enough, welcome aboard”

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So, McCann explains that Camping’s predicted date is the beginning of 1600 days of something or other and blah blah wossname, today is the day. Sorry but if he’s right, I need to wrap this up before midnight if I want to go out with even a few blog views.

Seems unlikely though. Nothing’s happened yet. The world doesn’t appear to even be smoldering, let alone wreathed in the flames of God’s wrath. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one.

Almost makes you wonder if he’s just made this claim for fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, the whole internet is…talking about…him…

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I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD WILL END ON JANUARY 19th 2022!

THE SKY SHALL OPEN AND 101 ANGELS SHALL POUR FORTH, POSSIBLY RIDING DALMATIANS! TERRIBLE SHALL BE THEIR CRIES OF RAGE, NOT TO MENTION THE BARKING AND RAIN OF DOG SHIT!

THESE HEAVENLY HORDES SHALL LAY WASTE TO THE LANDS, DRIVING THE WICKED TO HELL WITH THEIR FIERY SWORDS AND DIRECTING THE RIGHTEOUS TOWARDS THE STAIRS! ELEVATORS WILL BE PROVIDED FOR THOSE WITH MOBILITY ISSUES!

WHEN ALL MANKIND IS GONE, THE FINAL ANGEL SHALL UTTER THE WORDS “ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! DESTRUCT! ZERO!” AND ALL SHALL BE DARKNESS!

That should be good for a couple thousand hits and around sixty thousand dollars in donations to the Church of St I Don’t Know Of The Holy Arseholes To I, I Could Use A New Car.

Hallowe’en Fun? Just Say No!

It’s half past nine in the morning and i’m already angry enough to fling kittens into a mincer. Why?

Give this a read.

That’s a story from the Westcountry’s finest paper of news, the Western Gazette, detailing the Avon & Somerset constabulary’s hard stance on kids looking adorable and enjoying sweeties. Well, that’s how I read it.

Look, I know exactly what the problem is. Every year, while kids go from door to door, being unbearably cute and asking for chocolate, there are a few little bastards round these parts who hammer on doors, ask for cigarettes and cash and then wing a handful of eggs at any house which refuses them. The problem is that the police are entirely too lazy to deal with the perpetrators, so would rather cast a shadow of misery over the entirety of Hallowe’en.

The line which really grips my shit is “We would just like to remind people that if they intend to trick and treat – which is not endorsed by the constabulary”. Not endorsed by the constabulary. First of all, it’s trick OR treat, not trick and treat, you feckless halfwits. But more importantly, the fact that it’s “not endorsed” by the po-po is a polite way of saying “we would MUCH rather you didn’t do it at all”.

Balls to the police and their endorsement, or lack thereof. Balls to the little swine who’ve made a point of ruining Hallowe’en for kids who just want to blag enough free chocolate to send them into a diabetic coma. Balls to whoever designed that poster because that font is far too cheerful for such a miserable sentiment and finally, balls to anyone who prints it off.

Don’t misunderstand me, you’re more than welcome to ignore trick or treaters if you so wish. I’ll not quibble with that, because that’s personal choice. But by putting that poster in your window you’re MORE likely to get your house egged, trees covered in toilet rolls, tyres slashed, whatever. Because to the kind of git who goes out on Hallowe’en armed with a dozen eggs and a can of spray paint, that sign might as well read “MISERABLE TOSSER LIVES HERE! PLEASE DESTROY MY HOUSE!”

If you’re not against the idea of kids indulging in a bit of harmless fun, i’ve done my own poster. Stick one of these up in your window, if you like.

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Download a copy of this hastily thrown together abomination here.

If you do get anyone pushing their luck, call the police. If they’re not too busy designing a “Fuck Christmas” poster, i’m sure they’ll show up.

EDIT:

It has been pointed out to me by a few Twitter folk that the report states that extra police will be working on August 31st. That’s fabulous. They’ll be able to deal with any issues surrounding the Moldovan National Language Day. Not sure how it helps with Hallowe’en, mind…