Category Archives: Television

Sh*t That Needs To Stop – Power Rangers

Thursday morning. I drag myself from my bed, the same bed upon which I collapsed just three short hours ago. I pour myself a cup of cold water, douse my face with coffee and i’m ready for the day as soon as the screams subside.

Entering the living room, I find the Child Units ready for school, uniform on, bags packed, angelic smiles on their teeny weeny faces. Obviously, something is wrong.

CHILD UNIT 2: “Daddy! We got up and got ourselves all ready and can we watch Power Rangers pleeeeeeeeasssseeee”

I probe the recesses of my mouth but alas, I removed the cyanide pill due to an unfortunate tendency toward nocturnal tooth grinding, so with a sigh, I hand the remote control to the youngest of the short people and bury my head in the cushions.

The ham festival of choice for today is Power Rangers RPM, one of approximately six billion assorted incarnations of the lycra clad heroes. In RPM, the Rangers have tyres wrapped around their extremeties, drive a Winnebago and do battle with Venjix, a computer virus which inexplicably chooses to inhabit the bodies of sub-par martial artists wearing eighty pounds of poorly moulded plastic.

I hate to resort to an “all this used to be fields” moment, but in the heady days of my youth, I loved the Power Rangers. I remember barrelling about the school playground, screaming “KEE-YAH!” and kicking my friends in the cock. Good times.

That was twenty years ago. Cycle forward to the present day and we’ve had twenty years of the same shit. Every series, of which there’s been one per year, boils down to pretty much this:

1) OH NOES! ALIENS/DEMONS/INTERDIMENSIONAL WOSSNAMES/OTHER BASTARDS!

2) Powerful force and/or being gathers a group of community theatre rejects and hand models, imbuing them with the power to kick things and go “HEEEEYAI!”, along with figure hugging suits and impractical, plastic headwear.

3) As series progresses, Rangers discover new weapons, abilities, zords and allies in an obvious bid to introduce new merchandise

4) Rangers ultimately defeat the biggest, baddest wossname and are then cast back into the street, like so much human refuse

5) New series announced

Every. Bloody. Year. “Power Rangers: SSDD”.

So, here’s what I propose. Either sack it all in and call it a day, or give it a shake up. How about a gritty new take on the series, directed by Christopher Nolan? Or do it in 3D? EVERYONE loves 3D, huh?

Maybe not. Let’s face it, we’re in for another twenty years of the same old shite. Wonder which area of history or general interest they’ll bastardise next? They’ve done dinosaurs, cars, faster cars, emergency services, samurai, pirates, jungle animals, all sorts of old bollocks. Still leaves a few possibilities though…

POWER RANGERS: CHIM-CHIM-CHAREE

Four young friends harness the power of Victorian London and become the Power Rangers, complete with grubby, steam powered zords and ill-fitting clothing in assorted shades of brown. They last about three episodes and then either starve to death on the streets or choke out their last, stuck up a chimney.

POWER RANGERS: BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

Five ordinary teenagers are forever changed when Billy Ray Cyrus enters their lives. Now they must balance their day to day worries with their new found fame as rock stars, plus occasionally defeating big rubber ugly buggers. Featuring the all new Montanazord with Wrecking Ball Attack mode and realistic Dissapointment-To-Father actions.

POWER RANGERS: EMO

A group of disillusioned teens must join forces to protect the world from something-or-other, who cares man it’s all just too hard.
Featuring Kimmy, the Black Ranger, Michael, the Black Ranger, Edward, the Black Ranger, Lisa, the Black Ranger and Geoff, the Black Ranger.
Soundtrack by The Cure.

POWER RANGERS: NAM

Four disgruntled Vietnam veterans are pulled together by a secret government organisation and become the Power Rangers! Piloting mighty zords, commanding awesome destructive power and occasionally lapsing into bloody, violent flashbacks, friend and foe alike are in for a world of hurt.

POWER RANGERS: KEYBOARD COMMANDOES

Three disenchanted youths gather in their basement hideout and dole out online justice against film directors, actors, popular musicians and other easy targets. This leads into a second season featuring the trio in their ultimate forms, titled POWER RANGERS: SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS.
Sponsored by Cheetos and Red Bull.

R.A.N.G.E.R.S

Six friends struggle with life, love and constant threat of invasion from alien forces in this light hearted sitcom, set in New York, circa 1998.

POWER RANGERS: MURKY DUSK

A pale, stammering imbecile meets a group of pale, beautiful vampires in a constantly drizzly shithole town somewhere in Bullshitsville, America. Together, they become the Power Rangers and ol’ mumbly-stumbly-bollocks inexplicably becomes the most powerful of them all. Then they all have sex and oh-em-gee it’s so hot and the writer cums.

Al Vimh Bat Cave key hanger
Get your very own Al Vimh Bat Cave key hanger.

Dear ITV…

Once again, I have gathered my creative writing team. Sibling Unit (@KimmyMc1908), Partner Of Sibling Unit (@Miester84) and Marital Unit have assisted me in the compilation of a list of possible new television shows. Having previously sent some suggestions to Channel Four (which they completely failed to pick up on, the short-sighted fools), this time we have assembled a list of frankly fan-bloody-tastic show ideas and i’ve winged them off in an email to ITV.

I’m sure you’ll agree that some high-fallutin’ tellybod is certain to be in touch before long. If nothing else, they’ll have to let me know about the restraining order…

Dear Wossname

My name is James McLellan and I am one quarter of the world’s greatest television show thinktank. Along with my wife,
sister and brother-in-law (who, despite my being born and bred in Somerset, are not one and the same person), I have
compiled a list of possible new television shows which I am certain you will want to develop. If you are interested in any
or all of the ideas listed below, we accept payment in the form of shitloads of money.

Britain’s Got Talons – Falconeering experts the length and breadth of the nation gather to compete for the title of Best
Falconer. Judges include Bill Oddie, Keith Harris with Orville and that Dennis guy from snooker because he looks like an
owl

Britain’s Got Balance – Very agile people from all across the UK gather to compete for the title of Best Stander Upper.
Judges include Naomi Campbell, that drunk guy from the Youtube video who fell over while being questioned by the police
and any footballer

Britton’s Got Talent – A show about Fern Britton. She’s lovely, she is.

The Eggs Factor – Simon Cowell tells some eggs that they’re shit

The Axe Factor – In which terrible singers are brutally dismembered by a rampaging killer.

The SPF Factor – In which ginger people are smothered in Ambre Solaire and subjected to varying degrees of light

I’m A Celebrity, No, Honestly. Don’t Laugh. I Am. For The Love Of God, Notice Me. I Crave Attention. – Same show,
different name

I’m A Celebrity? Get Out Of Here! – Z list celebrities who have long forgotten that they were ever known to anyone outside
their immediate family are amazed to find themselves suddenly on television, eating rat anus pie.

I’m Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here – Abstinant, god-fearing young folk are horrified to find themselves in a seedy brothel.
Hosted by Angus Deaton.

I’m A Celiac, Get Me Out Of Here – Twelve poor buggers with gluten allergies are horrified to find themselves stranded in
Paul Hollywood’s kitchen.

Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Getaway – The presenting duo finally abandon all pretense, accept their deepy held love for
another and shoot off for a romantic weekend. Good luck to ’em.

Text Satan – An annual telethon to raise funds for nefarious schemes worldwide, hosted by that bastard Piers Morgan.

Surprise Surprise – A sarcastic look at things which we really should have seen coming.

Surpress Surpress – Members of the public dance around sensitive subjects in front of hundreds of strangers.

Dancing With Lice – Irritable celebrities dance their way to success, whilst trying to deal with unbearable itching.

Dancing? Oh, Nice! – An incredibly enthusiastic chap called Gerald points out various types of dancing and is dashed happy
about it.

Dan Sings On Ice – Daniel O’ Donnell is sent to the North Pole to sing to penguins and ultimately freeze to death.

Splosh – Panel show in which contestants are judged on the sound made by their falling faeces. Judged by Dappy from N-
Dubz.

F/A CUP – A harrowing documentary following the trials and tribulations of a woman with an incredible breast asymmetry

Family Fart Tunes – Two families compete in a head-to-head musical bottom-burp off. Shitting one’s self equals instant
disqualification.

Ripping Point – Ben Shepherd hosts as contestants work in pairs, inserting discs into each others rectums in a bid to see
who can hold the most before being brutally torn asunder.

Dripping Point – ITV3 “Ripping Point Extra” style show, following the horrific damage done to our brave teams. Warning –
Contains scenes of unimaginable anal seepage.

The Pube – Challenge show centred around a sweaty groin.

The Tube – Challenge show centred around a sweaty groin.

The Lube – Challenge show centred around a slippery groin.

Dickinson’s Meal Deals – Like Wiltshire Farm Foods, only more orange.

Dickinson’s Really Dull – Light-hearted, This Is Your Life-esque special, in which people who have had the misfortune of
working with David Dickinson complain about what a fucking chore he is.

Dickinson’s Real. Deal With It – Horrified members of the public are informed that David Dickinson is not a character
created by ITV and attend regular therapy sessions to come to terms with the terrible news.

Gino’s Italians Escape – Gino D’campo struggles with immigration as his imprisoned kitchen staff head for the hills

60 & Minute: Makeover – A team of celebrity stylists give a short, old person a brand new look. Celebrity pilot featuring
Ronnie Corbett

Miss Carpal – An octogenarian sleuth deals with mysterious murder and crippling wrist pain.

Celebrity Jews – Comedy panel show with team captains Woody Allen and Billy Crystal, hosted by Barbra Streisand

The Alan Titchmarsh Show: After Dark – Same boring old twaddle, more nipples.

This Awning – A documentary following caravan enthusiasts.

This Mauling – In which Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are badly injured by bears.

This Moaning – An entire show dedicated to that stupid bloody Hopkins woman.

This Mourning – Philip and Holly present a light hearted look at other peoples misery.

You’ve Been Maimed – Extreme version of the popular clip show featuring horrific injuries, often involving tigers.

You’ve Been Blamed – Our team of dedicated pranksters commit assorted horrific crimes and lay the blame at the feet of
unsuspecting members of the public, who are subsequently imprisoned.

Downton Rabbi – A look at the life of a Jewish holy man who inexplicably finds himself living below stairs in a post-
Edwardian household.

Enemadale – Following the lives of residents of a small rural community, all of whom suffer from severe intestinal
distress. Sponsored by Imodium.

Emmerdull – A more realistic look at village life in which absolutely fuck all happens.

Reincarnation Street – Following the lives, past lives and future lives of residents of a street somewhere in Croydon.

Coronation Treats – The incredibly ancient Mary Berry looks back at some of the delicious baked goods which she prepared
to celebrate the many coronations she has witnessed in her 800 years on this earth.

The Jeremy’s Piles Show – A documentary following the sad tale of one man and his horrendous haemorrhoids.

The I’ll Be A While Show – Where people take a long time to do stuff

Broad Church – A frankly cruel look at Charlotte Church’s weight, brought to you by the creative minds behind the Daily
Mail sidebar.

The Replacement Bus Service Children – A touching tale of a young family torn apart by war and British Rail’s complete
inability to stick a simple schedule

Midsomer Minor Ailments – An inept locum investigates as residents complain of feeling “a wee bit poorly” and “slightly
shitty”

Doc Martens – Following the lives of residents of a small fishing village who inexplicably fail to realise that their new
doctor is, in actual fact, a pair of boots.

CraCAW – Following the crime-fighting adventures of a hard boiled Glaswegian crow.

Inspect Remorse – Following the adventures of a no-nonsense police inspector who generally doubts that criminals are quite as sorry as they claim to be.

Inspect Yer Horse – A public service announcement to raise awareness of equine testicular cancer.

We’re going to be rich and famous and rich!

Hugs and kisses,

Jamie.

Every one a winner.

Dear Channel Four…

Well, that’s an evening well spent. I have spent the last couple of hours crafting and sending an email to Channel Four’s comedy department, to pitch a series of show ideas. Admittedly, some of the shows were not comedies, but then the entire article was intended as such so I figure we’ve aimed for the right target.

With the hilarious creative input of Sibling Unit (KimmyMc1908) and Partner Of Sibling Unit (Miester), I have compiled a list of show ideas which…well, best you just read the email that was sent to Channel Four. Names changed to protect the innocent*

*To keep us from being sued and shit.

Dear Miss or Mrs Smith
 
Firstly, apologies for the vague greeting but I had no idea which type you were. I’d hate to offend, so have included both and ask that you delete as appropriate.
 
I am writing to you today as I, Al Vimh (@al_vimh), have formed an incredible, perhaps world changing writing team, along with my sister Kimmy (@Kimmy1908) and my brother-in-law, Miester (@Miester84). We have compiled a list of our pant-wettingly incredible ideas for new programming, which we would love for you to read. 
 
These days, Miss or Mrs Smith, the money is in spin offs. Look at Joey, the spin off from Friends. Sure, it wasn’t anywhere near as funny. as popular or as succesful but I think you’ll agree it was a hilarious and hugely popular success. So, we’ve taken some of your most popular shows and worked out possible spin-off properties which you could develop. We are certain that these shows will make you millions upon thousands of pounds and/or pennies and we will of course be happy to split the profits evenly with you, 50/40, with a 10% margin of error.
 
 
SHOW IDEAS:
 
Come Asinine With Me – In which four strangers gather in a room to discuss things which are utterly foolish.
 
Come Benign With Me – In which four strangers gather in a room and are generally just quite pleasant and inoffensive towards each other
 
Come Align With Me – In which four OCD sufferers are gathered in a room. Then they tidy it.
 
Come Recline With Me – In which four strangers are gathered in a room and sit down. Occasionally, one person sighs softly.
 
Come Feline With Me – Same as Come Dine With Me, but with cats. See also Come Canine With Me, Come Bovine With Me, Come Equine With Me and my personal favourite, Come Porcine With Me. (That’s pigs)
 
Come “Draw The Line” With Me – In which four strangers gather, argue and reach a crucial sticking point.
Alternatively, in which four strangers gather around a sheet of paper and draw a line.
 
Come Resign With Me – In which four strangers gather at their relative workplaces and hand in their notices.
No cooking in this one, they can’t afford it.
 
Come Entwine With Me – In which four strangers are gathered to play an elaborate and deadly game of Twister.
Hopefully narrated by Tobin Bell.
 
Come Decline With Me – In which four strangers gather for a meal, but turn down everything they are offered and refuse to score the evening. No prize money required, they wouldn’t want it.
 
Count Down – In which the Count from Sesame Street trips and falls into a ditch and we watch him lying there.
 
Dill Or No Dill – In which 22 celebrity chefs are gathered to sniff boxes and try to determine whether or not they have dill in them.
 
Meal Or No Meal – In which 22 homeless people are gathered and hope like christ their box contains some soup.
 
Feel Or No Feel – In which 22 perverts are gathered and drunkenly attempt to grope attractive members of the opposite sex.
I suppose the gropee, so to speak, would have to be in a box.
 
Aimless – Following the residents of “The Other Gallagher Estate” as they wander fecklessly through their days with no real direction or life goals.
 
Blameless – Following the residents of “O.J. Simpson Estate” as they continually profess their innocence for an increasingly bizarre series of crimes.
 
Frameless – Following the residents of “Picasso Estate” as they hang posters on their walls. 
No frames. Kind of writes itself.
 
Grahamless – Following the residents of “Nemo Estate” as they look for their mate Graham.
 
Stupor Nanny – In which Jo Frost attempts to advise parents on their children’s upbringing, having recently been beaten around the head with a frying pan
 
Jollyoaks – It’s basically Hollyoaks, but without all that depressing bollocks. 
 
Olly Oaks – Soap following the exploits of Olly Murs. Just him.
Living in Hollyoaks, probably. I don’t know, I don’t like Olly Murs.
 
Dolly Oaks – Same shit as above, but with Dolly Parton. Perhaps she’s “Working Nine Til Five”.
Ha! God damn, the jokes write themselves. Seriously though, don’t let her sing.
 
Hillyoaks – Pretty much the same as ever, but more hills.
People delivering lines whilst out of breath, or going “Weeeeeeee” on their bicycles.
 
Collie Oaks – Come on Channel Four, it’s a soap opera for dogs. There are LOADS of dogs.
It’s a surefire hit, right? RIGHT!?
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Cook Good Naked – In which Gok Wan combines his love of cooking and fashion,
teaching one guest each week to prepare a dish whilst fully nude. Will need a warning, features nudity,
occasional strong language and horrific scenes of burnt genitals.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Baked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options to stoners, who giggle and ask him if he has any cookies.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Raked – In which Gok Wan struggles to find a suitable outfit for a man who has been killed with a rake.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Staked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options for vampires.
But they don’t care, because they’re dust now.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Laked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options for people who are very wet. Perhaps mermaids. The title might need work.
 
Undercover Bass – In which a large sea bass is sent in to a downtrodden community to observe their day to day lives.
At the end of each episode the bass completely fails to make any of their dreams reality, because it is a fish and therefore lacks the necessary funds.
 
Undercover Bus – In which a bus is sent to live with the Amish and hopes to not be shunned for being of a mechanical nature.
 
Undercover Bros – In which Bros are sent in to covertly observe the day to day lives of a small community, but then everyone recognises them because they’re Bros.
 
Farther Ted – In which a man named Ted is constantly told to move back just a little more 
Strife Swap – In which two couples swap problems and ultimately achieve little.
 
Knife Swap – In which two couples swap the contents of their cutlery drawer and then wonder why.
 
More In A Bed – Not dissimilar to Four In A Bed, but with more people. Maybe five.
 
Sure In A Bed – In which someone is in bed and absolutely certain of something.
 
You’re In A Bed – In which you, that’s you reading this, are in bed.
 
Procreation! Procreation! Procreation! – In which Kirsty and Phil find three possible mates for a young person hoping to have a child. Mind you, looking at Kirsty and Phil i’m not sure i’d want them involved in MY breeding process, but each to their own.
I mean look at some of the godawfully ugly couples out there, but they manage to produce reasonable looking children.
Sorry, I digress…
 
Procrastination! Procrastination! Procrastination! – In which Kirsty and Phil know that they really should be out looking for houses, but keep getting distracted by things like the latest episode of You’re In A Bed or the sound of an ice cream truck.
 
Rotation! Rotation! Rotation! – In which Kirsty and Phil are stuck in a revolving door.
 
Flotation! Flotation! Flotation! – In which Kirsty and Phil are thrown into a rubber dinghy, pushed out to sea and left for dead.
 
Flee – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flea – A suppressed young group of singing fleas attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flue – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master, via the chimney.
 
Flew – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to book airline tickets, in order to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flown – A suppressed young group of singers have escaped from their overpowering choir master.
 
Flog – A joke based around the god awful show, Glee, is pushed to the very limits and ultimately ruined by a three person writing 
 team in an email pitching ideas to Channel 4.
 
My Big Fat Gypsy Funeral – I don’t know, i’ve never watched it. I assume it would involve burying big, fat gypsy folk.
 
2 Bespoke Girls – A sitcom set around an internet company which allows you to order a woman, constructed to your precise requirements.
 
2 Broke Guys – Because, y’know, lets not be sexist.
 
2 Broke Gays – Again, lets not exclude any one
 
2 Bloke Girls – Drag queens now. Get everyone involved.
 
2 Baroque Girls – A sitcom centred around two struggling waitresses, portrayed through exaggerated artistic motion and easily interpreted detail, in order to produce drama, tension, exuberance, and grandeur.
 
2 Blokes Curl – In which two men enjoy the fine sport of curling.
 
The Eye Teeth Crowd – A sitcom centred around an office of some sort, doesn’t matter, in which three workers talk about the things they want and what they would give to get them.
 
The Small Bang Theory – In which four scientists try to work out what caused the odd popping sound in their garden.
 
How I Maimed Your Mother – In which the lead character describes to his children his horrific axe attack on their mother and the hilarity which followed.
 
How I Mate Your Mother – In which the lead character describes to his increasingly uncomfortable offspring, the manner in which he sexually gratifies their mother
 
How I Ate Your Mother – In which the lead character explains at first to his children, later to an empty sofa and ultimately to a police psychologist, the manner in which he consumed the corpse of his wife.
 
How Ivan Met Your Mother – In which the lead character tells his children a tedious story about their mother meeting a man called Ivan at the local delicatessen and never speaking to him again because “he smelled like beetroot”
 
How Ai-Ai-Ai Met Your Mother – A crossover show, bisecting with early nineties Power Rangers episodes, featuring irritating, unlikeable robot sidekick, Alpha.
 
Grand Signs – In which Kevin McCloud visits signs from around the UK, starting with the stop sign at the bottom of my road.
It’s quite big and a very nice shade of red.
 
Grand, Des Lynam – A sitcom centred around Kevin McCloud and Des Lynam sharing a flat. At the end of each episode, Kevin will chuckle and say “That’s grand, Des Lynam” and EVERYONE will laugh, damn it.
 
Atomic Relief – A yearly telethon to raise funds to aid Dr Simon Trepan, the poor sap who ripped his cock off after creating a nuclear powered wanking device. True story.
 
 
As i’m sure you will agree, Miss or Mrs Smith, what we have here is a license to print money. Obviously, it’s not an actual license to print money, so please do not print any or we will probably be arrested for counterfeiting. Nevertheless, we’re sure to turn a buck with these little beauties.
 
I look forward to your prompt, if not instantaneous response, thanking us for these wonderful ideas and offering us lucrative contracts and a basket of those delightful mini-muffins. I prefer blueberry, but Miester and Kimmy would be happier with chocolate. Each to their own. I once knew a guy who didn’t like soup. Can you imagine that? Not liking soup. Funny old world. Anyhoo, must dash, i’ve a massive email to send to the BBC.
 
Hugs and kisses
Mr or Mrs Al Vimh
Dictated but not read.
I await their response with baited breath and open legs.
Disclaimer: Neither I nor my writing partners own any of the properties on which these parody ideas are based. Obviously. I mean, if I did, i’d be rolling in money and not arsing about, sending stupid emails to some poor bugger at Channel Four. Still, it’s worth pointing out in case some absolute arsewaffle tries to sue me or get, what is it the kids say these days, “all up in my grill”. So, cut it out lawyer types, right?