50 Shades Of Bullshit

Today on Twitter, we’ve been having TREMENDOUS fun with a new hashtag, #50FactsAboutMe. Facts have ranged from the very mildly interesting, through tedious and out into deep-dull, the boredom so intense that it can actually stop hearts and end worlds.

I decided to spice things up a little bit and while away a dreary Monday by coming up with my own list of 50 “facts”, which i’ve gathered together here. Educate yourselves.

EDIT: I have been challenged by @LBJ41 to do #50FactsAboutMe every day this week. I’ll update throughout the week.


1) I had a small role in The Nightmare On Elm Street as Freddie Kreugers body double in sex scenes.

2) I am allergic to allergies. I can’t be around anyone who is unable to eat peanuts or i’ll break out in hives.

3) The worst job I ever had was as a carpet fitter in an M.C Escher drawing.

4) I once beat Barack Obama in a game of hopscotch.

5) I can quickly ingest large amounts of water to turn myself into a virtually inedible ball several times my normal size.

6) I have an FAQ which I will shamelessly plug at random intervals. Find it here.

7) With 14 nominations I, along with Titanic and All About Eve, am one of the most nominated films in Oscar history.

8) I’m Spartacus.

9) I inspired the naming of The Rolling Stones after noting that Mick Jagger was relatively free of moss.

10) I am the law.

11) I spend my spare time burning images of Jesus into toast.

12) I have received critical acclaim for my inspirational quotes, published under my pseudonym, “Anon”.

13) I was the most visited country in 2012, attracting over 83 million tourists.

14) I’ve been around the world and I, I, I…I can’t find my baby

15) I once had a summer job, driving a Mini for Minnie Driver.

16) I was assassinated on 28th June 1914, precipitating Austria-Hungary’s declaration of war against Serbia.

17) I can complete a Rubik’s Cube in 12.4 seconds. With my tongue.

18) I still haven’t found what i’m looking for.

19) I once Rickrolled Rick Astley, causing a tear in the space-time continuum.

20) I am the only marsupial native to North America.

21) I am free with every promotional packet of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies. Terms and conditions apply.

22) I am printed on recycled paper.

23) I have the largest wingspan of any living bird, typically ranging from 2.51 to 3.5 m.

24) The TV series 24 was inspired by my attempts to get home in time for Countdown after missing a bus.

25) I am a nymphomaniac who is only attracted to Jewish cowboys.

26) I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

27) I once had a summer job making prosthetic legs for snakes.

28) I am prized by chefs for my elegant taste and ethereal fragrance.

29) Since my initial release, I have been translated into over twenty different languages worldwide.

30) I am filmed before a live studio audience.

31) I have never been mistaken for the popular singer, Donna Summer.

32) I am a man-made fibre, used primarily in the production of inexpensive carpets.

33) I am a Rage type Pokemon and the evolved form of Vimhling, native to the Kanto region.

33) I am an active stratovolcano on the east coast of Sicily, Italy.

35) I have a severe phobia of the number which precedes 35, often replacing it in lists with a second 33.

36) When threatened, I roll up into a tight ball.

37) I was the little girl in the original Miracle on 34th Street. My work on the film left me with a terrible fear of beards

38) When exposed to sunlight, I rapidly decompose to elemental silver and chlorine.

39) J.K Rowling based the Harry Potter series on my repeated attempts to learn the bunch of flowers trick.

40) If needed, I can be found wherever there is injustice. That, or at Greggs.

41) I am the centre of our solar system and I burn with a temperature of approximately 5500 °C

42) I am the largest land predator on earth, standing over 11′ high and weighting over 1,700 lbs.

43) I was the original Justin Bieber, before being recast due to creative differences.

44) I control 51% of the voting stock of successful air freight business Higher for Hire.

45) I am the motion capture actor behind Sonic the Hedgehog.

46) I organise my DVDs in order of least to most uses of the word “quibble”

47) The Michael Myers mask from Halloween was based on my face after a particularly gloomy summer.

48) I own 97% of Belgium, having won it in a poker game.

49) The Lord of the Rings trilogy is based on my three years as a member of the Ramblers Association.

50) Humans share 96% of their DNA with chimps. I share the other 4% with a guy named Geoff from Iowa.

51) I can’t count.


1) I am a ductile, silver-white, chemically active metal with a hexagonal close-packed crystalline structure

2) I’ve got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

3) I wrote the script for 2004 film The Day After Tomorrow after a particularly wet fishing weekend in Devon.

4) I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing, I can’t stand losing you.

5) I am water resistant to 100m

6) I was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain.

7) I am easily startled but i’ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.

8) I once attained nirvana, gaining complete understanding of all things, but I was distracted by a 2 for 1 offer on pasties and forgot the lot.

9) I spent three years living inside John Malkovich.

10) I-i-i-i-i-i like you verrrrrrrry much.

11) My orbit outside the distortion of Earth’s atmosphere allows me to take extremely high-resolution images with almost no background light

12) I am not a crook.

13) I know who the song “You’re So Vain” is actually about.

14) I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

15) I was originally well received but sadly I was not renewed for a second season.

16) Until 1997, I was unaware of the existence of cheese.

17) I received the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 after breaking up a fight between two traffic wardens outside a Lidl in Skegness.

18) I don’t trust Klingons and I never will. I’ve never forgiven them for the death of my son.

19) I can strip a human carcass to the bone in twelve seconds. Faster if there’s ketchup.

20) My attempts to start my own business failed miserably, as I discovered there was little call for a Hobbit cobbler.

21) The childrens cartoon Penny Crayon was based on a particularly unpleasant acid trip which I suffered in 1974.

22) I work in the Street View department at the Human Genome Project.

23) I am both highly impressionable and allergic to cat hair, which sadly means I have never been able to read Garfield comic strips.

24) I am Keyser Soze.

25) Gordon Ramsay employs me for two weeks in every year to chisel new lines into his face.

26) I gave Kelis the milkshake recipe that she’s so fond of.

27) In winter, I forage in mixed flocks with house sparrows on the ground or low in trees.

28) I want to know what love is.

29) I have a photographic memory but find it difficult to get film for it since the rise of the digital camera.

30) I genetically engineer otters to look more like Benedict Cumberbatch.

31) I find shoelaces slightly bewildering.

32) I have a straight, fine and even grain, and am relatively free of voids and pockets.

33) I won’t wear green clothing in case I happen upon a green screen and am driven into a panic at the apparent loss of body parts.

33) I was Billy Ray Cyrus’ writing partner. He came up with achy, I thought up breaky. Heart was a joint effort.

35) The Matrix film trilogy is based on my attempts to replace a dodgy disk drive in my old IBM after an 18 hour Doom marathon.

36) I do not have a respiratory system, as my skin is thin enough that my body is oxygenated by diffusion

37) I once built a fully functional Tardis using only stuff from under the sink and a deconstructed toaster.

38) I control the horizontal and the vertical.

39) I generally have one litter per year that typically consists of 4 babies. Although I can have 3 to 7.

40) My favourite colour is the smell of freshly mown grass.

41) I had a small role in the original Star Wars trilogy as Han Solo’s brother but was cut from the finished film. Then re-inserted. Then cut. Then given a complete CGI makeover. Then cut again. Then recast. I’m back in the sequels.

42) I had a succesful professional wrestling career in the eighties under my stage name, “Jason P. Crotchrocket”

43) I am the windiest place on Earth, with winds averaging more than 40mph on at least 100 days every year.

44) I have had my buttocks insured for £3.4 million.

45) I occasionally accuse furniture of spying on me.

46) I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a thing to wear.

47) I inspired the Spandau Ballet hit Gold when Tony Hadley spotted me fiddling with some Ferrero Rocher in a Woolworths.

48) I am the brainchild of Doane Robinson, located in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

49) Under extreme stress, I fire barbed quills from my back to deter predators.

50) I have named each of my internal organs after famous historical figures.


1) I don’t wanna wait for my life to be over.

2) I had an important role in popular television series “Breaking Bad” as Walter White’s hat.

3) I am drifting approximately 3.8 cm away from our planet every year. It is estimated that I will continue to do so for around 50 billion years.

4) I was hunted to extinction in the 12th century for my meats, pelt and scent glands.

5) In 2032, I created the world’s first time machine.

6) I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.

7) Edvard Munch painted “The Scream” after I told him how much it hurts when to tread on Lego with bare feet.

8) I am fluent in thirteen languages, none of which are real.

9) I am conditioned to salivate at the ring of a bell.

10) I have no collarbone and can fit through any opening the size of my head.

11) Whenever I eat a Kit Kat, I save the foil wrapper to make robot costumes for mice.

12) The Encyclopaedia Britannica is actually a novel which I wrote many years ago about an aardvark’s adventures on his way to the zoo. It lost it’s punch in editing.

13) I am powered by twelve AAA batteries.

14) In 1940, the University of California presented me with the Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure Award.

15) I cannot be seen with the naked eye.

16) I am the very model of a modern major general.

17) I wrote the lyrics for Aerosmith’s “Pink” after spending a mishap at a fairground which led to me spending six days wrapped in candyfloss.

18) I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

19) I am worshipped as a god in one small street in Grimsby.

20) I was appointed as the commanding general of the Continental Army on June 15, 1775.

21) I can haz cheeseburger.

22) I own the largest collection of doors in the world. I display them on homes all across the UK.

23) On the third Tuesday of each month, I spend six hours helping Helena Bonham Carter organise her CD collection.

24) I am the eggman.

25) I am the walrus.

26) I’m not entirely certain how to spell “Goo-goo-ga-joo”. Goo-goo-ga-choo? Goo…that.

27) I come in a remarkable variety of colors and sizes, ranging in length from about 4 inches up to 40 inches.

28) I don’t know much, but I know I love you.

29) I have my doubts about Katie Melua’s claims that there are nine million bicycles in Beijing and have launched a large scale survey to check the numbers. Results are expected sometime in 2018.

30) I have an unusual level of control over my internal workings and am able to play a variety of pop hits through the medium of flatulence and intestinal gurgling.

31) One of my hobbies is removing single puzzle pieces from jigsaws in charity shops.

31) I am the longest novel on record, containing an estimated 9,609,000 characters.

32) My left foot doubles up as a condiment dispenser.

33) I spent six years in Africa, studying the movements of polar bears. Eventually I realised that I was in the wrong place.

33) I’m every woman.

35) I accidentally invented the @ symbol while trying to write the letter “a” after drinking a large quantity of tequila.

36) My scrotum was the inspiration for Yoda.

37) I have an irrational fear of crazy paving.

38) I have launched 21 ships during my reign as Queen.

39) I am a rare infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues.

40) I am the third Olsen twin.

41) I had what she was having.

42) With a full charge, I have a battery life of approximately 18 hours.

43) I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

44) I am worth 12 points in Scrabble.

45) I solved the famous P versus NP problem in 2003 but sharing the answer would ruin everyone’s fun so I burnt all my working out and killed my assistant.

46) Experiments have shown that I show most interest in things coloured red, yellow or orange.

47) My blood type is A+. I only scored a B- for my other fluids.

48) I get no kick from champagne.

49) I am visible from space.

50) I am rich in Omega 3.

To be continued…



Well folks, we’ve been having a lot of fun on Twitter today, haven’t we?

We’ve been constantly bombarding the Essex Police (@essexpoliceuk) with ridiculous non-crimes, using the hashtag #policefarce

But we’ve not just been doing this for faeces and chuckles, oh no.
It’s been our light-hearted retaliation to a truly ridiculous situation.

The Essex Police have arrested a man for using Blackberry Messenge to organise…






What? NO!

No, this chap was trying to organise a waterfight.

Of course, there is more to it than that.
At least, there is probably more to it than that.
OK, there could be more to it than that.
Quite frankly, the police don’t seem to know.
So, what are we left with?

A man is arrested and will be in court to answer charges of…what?

Conspiracy To Make Wet?
Loitering With Intent To Drench?
Incitement Of Fun?

The best argument anyone can make against him is that it could be poor timing to organise any kind of mass event via social networking, given the current climate.

I don’t necessarily agree with that either, but it doesn’t matter.

Poor timing is not a crime, if it was I would have been arrested in 1997 when my mother caught me watching a pirate copy of Busty Latin Lovers just as her Wednesday book club arrived.

No, there’s only one possible explanation, given their sudden fear of water.

The police are witches.

Back To The Studio…

As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”

This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.

So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?

Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?

Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?

Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.

But no.

Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.

That’s it.

That’s the entire sodding story!

In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.

She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.

They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!

I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!

Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:

Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”

Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”

Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”

Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”

Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”

Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”

Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”

*tape rolls*

Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”

Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”

Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”

*back to live feed*

Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”

Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”

I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.

100 Ways To Kill With A Ballpoint Pen

Well, following a very odd Twitter conversation with @TheBathBird, I am thrilled to present you with:

100 Ways To Kill With A Ballpoint Pen!

Murder is illegal and bloody hard to get away with.
If you do kill someone with a biro, don’t sodding well blame me.
This was meant to be funny, not informative.
Also, stop reading now if you can’t take a joke…

1 ) Stab them with it. Oh sure, it’s not imaginative, but it is effective.
See? (Intrigued, aren’t you?)

2 ) Using two ballpoints and an elastic band, you can fashion a rudimentary set of nunchakus.

3 ) Tie your intended victim to a chair.
Repeatedly prod a tiger with the pen and then set it loose.
Of course, you are going to need another, larger pen to take out the

4 ) Use the ballpoint to sign a contract, hiring a professional hitman.

5 ) Dig a large hole and stud it with several pens. I call this the “Penji Pit”. Catchy.

6 ) Write a letter to Chuck Norris, signed with your intended victim’s
name, demanding ransom for the kidnap of his cat.

7 ) A pocket full of pens and a small crossbow. Job done.

8 ) Using several ballpoints, draw a tunnel on a cliff wall, à la Wile E. Coyote.
Rub hands together in glee, as the victim’s car crumples against the rock.

9 ) Using a letter opener, gash three large holes in the back of your hand.
Insert a ballpoint into each hole and begin the clawing.
I call this “The Wolverink Method”.

10 ) Use the pen to sign a cheque.
Use this cheque to buy a gun.
Use the gun to shoot someone. Simple.

11 ) Approximately twenty ballpoints, a large piece of floral foam, a large stick and a little effort will give you an effective war mace…

12 ) Write the victims telephone number, along with an offer of lewd acts, on toilet doors the length and breadth of the land.
Around about the five hundredth call, he’s bound to fling himself from somewhere high.

13 ) If the victim is in a relationship, write a telephone number and name of a member of the opposite sex on their inner thigh while they sleep.
Their significant other will kill them in a jealous rage.

14 ) You’re going to need several million ballpoints, but i’m fairly certain you could drown someone in enough ink…

15 ) A trained monkey with a pen in each hand can make an effective assassin.
Or so I hear…

16 ) Remove the ink, nib and end cap from the ballpoint.
Voila, one blowpipe.
If you need poison darts, there’s a guy in Cairo…

17 ) Using a poisonous ink, draw a very realistic picture of a lollipop…

18 ) Find a guy with a knife who desperately needs a pen and propose a trade…

19 ) We’ve all seen the whole “using a ballpoint to perform an emergency tracheotomy” bit in films and television.
Do that, but don’t do it very well…

20 ) Locate a target who is in great peril and, for some reason, can only get the help they need by writing a letter.
Steal their biro.

21 ) Compose the following note:


Send the note to me.

22 ) Brake pads are very effective for stopping a car. Ballpoints are not.
Just saying…

23 ) If you are an incredibly skilled artist, you could perhaps use a pen to forge a very realistic pound note.
This could buy you a hand grenade.

24 ) Starting out with a low level job in a ballpoint pen factory, work hard and rise through the ranks.
Eventually, reach the position of manager.
Then, having forged certain works documents, begin work on the worlds largest ballpoint.
Have it delivered to the victims house.
Push the gigantic pen, crushing the house.
NOTE : Best to ensure the victim is home, otherwise it’s just criminal damage.

25)  Wait/arrange for your victim to contract an exotic disease, which forces them to live in an oxygen tent.
Pop the oxygen tent.
With a pen.

"5 o' clock somewhere" Wall Clock
The Al Vimh “5 o’ clock somewhere” Wall Clock

26) Have yourself stranded on a desert island with your intended victim and a large supply of ballpoints.
Build a raft, using the pens.
Set sail and drown when it proves to be far from seaworthy.
I admit, this method has the downside of you dying too but nevertheless…

27) Position a ton of pens above your victim.
I’m fairly certain you can see where this is going.

28) Melt down a handful of ballpoints.
Now, you’re going to need a Shuriken or “Throwing Star” mould.
@BlamelessNinja can help you there.

29) Using the pen, forge upcoming schedules for ITV to show nothing but “I’m A Celebrity” repeats.
The ensuing riots will lay waste to the nation.
Deaths would be random but with some effort, you could ensure that the right people are in the wrong places at the right time.

30) Replace “routine checkup” with “experimental lobotomy” on victim’s medical records.
Using, of course, a ballpoint pen.

31) Beat victim to death with the pen.
Should take about six to eight weeks.
May need to tie them to something.
I mean, you wouldn’t hang about to be pummeled with a pen, would you?

32) Number 32 is too horrific to detail here, but it involves 32 ballpoint pens, several orifices and a gopher.
It…it sickens me.

33) Can wolves read?
I’m not certain but i’ve written a name on the inside of Bitey’s cage and i’m hoping he gets the message.

34) Take the victim sailing.
Invite them to try out your new rubber dinghy.
A rubber dinghy can be easily punctured with…well, you get the idea.

35) A little cayenne pepper can make all the difference to a bolognese.
As can crushed ballpoint pen.
The pepper adds a wonderful depth of flavour, whereas the biro adds a choking hazard.

36) Home made tattoo’s can become infected and are not recommended.
So, take one pen and a razor…

37) Ah, good old number 37.
Involving the use of fifty ballpoints, give or take.
I call it “The Human Hedgehog”

38) We all know how treacherous deckchairs can be.
With enough ballpoints attached, think of them as elaborate, full body bear traps.

39) Arrange a “Final Destination” style situation, whereby your intended victim cheats death. Then leave him in a room with hundreds of ballpoints.
Let Death do the rest.

40) Use your ballpoint to fill in a McDonalds job application form with your target’s details.
The monotony of the job will, eventually, kill them.

41) Construct an incredible skyscraper, made entirely from ballpoint pens.
Take your target to the very top to marvel at the view and the scale of your creation.
Push them off.

42) Challenge someone to a “Who can swallow the most ballpoint pens” contest.
Give them a 10 pen headstart, sit back and enjoy the show.

43) Use your ballpoint to write a play, involving an elaborate sword fight.
Cast your victim as one of the swordsmen.
At the height of the epic battle, beat him to death with a rolled up copy of the play.
Swerve, huh? Just call me Shyamalan…

44) Fill in a Blockbuster membership form, using your ballpoint.
Rent “Mamma Mia”.
Make your victim sit through “Mamma Mia”.
Kill them with a frying pan.
No court in the land will convict you for this, it’s clearly a mercy killing.

45) 6 pens, a canister of compressed air and some iron filings can, believe it or not, come together to form your very own chain gun.
For plans, send £5 to…no, i’ve said too much.

46) Stick pins in voodoo dolls? No, stick PENS in voodoo dolls!

47) Write a letter to “Jim’ll Fix It”, asking Jim to kill your victim for you.
I admit, this one may be a little out of date…

48) Draw a pentagram.
Summon the demon lord J’thal to claim your victim’s life.
Tell him I sent you, you’ll get a 10% discount and free “Demons do it for eternity” t-shirt!

49) Find a burly yet unintelligent gent, let’s call him “Big Jim” for sake of argument.
Steal an item of your victims clothing.
Write “Property Of Big Jim” in the neckline.
Ensure that the victim is wearing this item of clothing when you take “Big Jim” to his house to deal with the theft.
Now all that’s left is the clean up.

50) Use the ballpoint to fill out a lottery slip and purchase a ticket.
Win several million pounds.
Hire a butler.
Have the butler kill someone for you.
Ha, Jeeves you crazy bastard.

51) Write “Stab Me” on your target’s back.
Then, obviously, you stab them.

52) Write a lovely letter to your chosen corpse-to-be, flattering him or her incessantly.
I’m experimenting with this “Kill them with kindness” nonsense.

53) Write a will in your victim’s name, leaving millions of pounds to “Stabby Pete”.
Look him up, he’s in the Yellow Pages.

54) I’ve never been sure if Penny Crayon had the terrifying ability to bring doodles to life, or if it was the crayons which were cursed.
If it should turn out to be Penny, lend the little witch your ballpoint and have her draw you an army of unholy sketch demons to do your bidding.
After she’s done, we should probably think about taking Penny out.
Too much power…

55) If you drop a pen from the top of the Empire State Building…think about it.

56) One ballpoint pen.
One scrap of paper.
What you have, right there, is the makings of your very own “Black Spot”.
If you give it to your victim of choice, I can only assume that pirates will do the rest.

57) Use the ballpoint to fill out your adversary’s Death Certificate.
The paperwork to undo one of those is a bitch, so the registry office have specialist squads to help maintain the status quo.

58) Write enough “Would you mind killing ‘insert name here’ for me, i’d be ever so grateful” letters and one of them is BOUND to take.

59) Who do you want to kill, anyway?
Let’s call them Joe Bloggs, OK?
So, you write “Joe Bloggs was here” on Gary Busey’s wall.
He crazy.

60) Y’know, life would be so much easier if your intended dead guy was allergic to pens…

61) If you have a nice, metal ballpoint and your victim is dumber than a roomful of Glee fans (No, i’m not sorry) you can simply jam the pen into an electrical socket, switch on the juice and ask them to pull it out.

62) You could make a killer robot out of pens, right?

63) Now, I know the “Can wolves read” thing remains unanswered, but what about elephants? They’re pretty smart, right?
So, you write an “Elephants – Stampede This Way” sign and pop it outside your nemesis’ house…

64) Draw a knife.
Stab them with it.
WARNING : May not work outside of cartoons.

65) Want to kill a mountain climber? Replace their crampons with, you guessed it, ballpoint pens!

66) Draw a scary face on a piece of paper. Really scary.
Now, sneak up behind your intended victim, tap them on the shoulder and BAM! Heart attack.
Or at the very least, embarassing “and then he shit himself” story.

67) You’re going to need a lot of pens and some big-assed sheets of paper but i’ve got this idea for running a fake road up to the victim’s door…

68) Rubbing two ballpoint pens together could conceivably start a fire…

69) Find yourself a Sharon Stone look-a-like.
Now, you can probably guess where i’m going with this one.
Sex & stabbings.

70) Write “Justin Bieber sucks” in large letters, all over the victim’s house.
9 million Beliebers right? Surely one of them can get stabby for you?

71) Enough ballpoint pens would make a fine bridge.
Not a sturdy one, however…

72) “TA DA” But with a pen!

73) Write “Candyman” 5 times on a post-it note.
Place on victim’s mirror and hope.

74) Planning to off a scientist?
With a ballpoint pen (obviously) change his formula, with hilariously fatal results.

75) Two ballpoints. Two nostrils. Coincidence?

The List

76) If you plug your target’s urethra with a pen, they will eventually fill with urine and drown. Probably.

77) Re-write your victim’s horoscope.
Suggested content would include  “Today is a good day to try drinking that bleach you’ve had your eye on” or “Lying in a busy road is a good way to meet that special someone”

78) Do you think you can fashion a sturdy pair of stilts out of ballpoints?
No, shouldn’t have thought so.
But don’t tell your “Test Pilot” that, hey?

79) Parachute? No. It’s a backpack full of pens. MWAH HA HA HA!

80) Does that sign say “No Swimming – Sharks!”?
Now, thanks to your trusty pen, it says “No Sharks!”.
Hopefully, no-one will question the scribble.

81) Grab yourself a pen and a handful of labels.
Now, wherever you see the word “Toxic”, replace it with “Delicious”

82) Construct a ballpoint cage and imprison your victim.
Leave them.
If they’re pathetically weak and can’t break out, they’ll starve to death.
Not the most efficient method but building the cage will keep you busy.

83) Know any stamp collectors?
Why not drive them to suicide by scribbling over the Queens face on a Penny Black?

84) By reversing the flow and increasing the pressure of the average toilet, you can fire a ballpoint pen roughly six feet into the air.
Unless, of course, it encounters resistance…

85) Play “Lethal Injection – The Home Game!” All you need is a pen, some poison and a vein!

86) With enough sellotape, string and pens, you can construct your very own gallows!

87) Do you know anyone gullible enough to believe that a vest of pens can stop a bullet?

88) Use your ballpoint to sign your target up to the Playstation Network.
Soon, their details will be hacked, their bank account emptied and it’s only so long before they’re on the streets, destitute.
It’s going to take a while for them to die out there, but hang in there slugger, it’ll happen.

89) Use your pen to draw Winnie The Pooh’s face on your victim’s chest.
Then piss off some bees.

90) “My God, he’s crashing. Nurse, the defibrillator!”
“Certainly doctor”
“Right, charge it to…my god, this defibrillator is made entirely of pens!”
“He’s gone, doctor”

91) Digging a pit 500 feet deep with a ballpoint pen is time consuming, but entirely possible…

And that’s all im allowed to print.

I have another nine, but they’re banned under the Geneva Convention.

So, I turned to my Twitter followers/psychopathic monsters.

This is what they gave me, I take no credit and/or responsibility for these:

92) Use a ballpoint to press the nuclear launch button
(Thank you @imstevewilson for this method. Keeps fingerprints out of the equation, very handy)

93) Colour the victim blue as they sleep.
Contact Gargamel and tell him you’ve found the worlds biggest Smurf. (A @blamelessninja Original)

94) Several pens and an army of pygmies? You’ve got yourself an army of spear wielding pygmies! (Another @blamelessninja entry)

95) Attach a ballpoint pen to a yoyo.
Scream “GET OVER HERE” as you wing it at your target.
Oh, wear something yellow. (A final, Mortal Kombat inspired entry from @blamelessninja)

94) Colour someone red and put them in a field with a bull (Thanks to @PhillWatson1970 for this incorrect but most amusing suggestion)

95) Fashion a ballpoint into a crude form of penny whistle and play ‘Amarillo’ until your adversary’s head explodes (Thanks to @Frazz1e, i’m trying this one)

96) Pressure sensor on the point, triggering the explosives in the ink compartment. (Thanks to @Superted1990)

97) Tell someone that a pen lid is great for scooping out earwax, then when they try it, whack them with a cricket bat so the pen lid plunges into their brain and blood comes out and they twitch and then die and then you feel a bit bad about it. (That terrifying gem courtesy of @BinaryDad)

98) Draw a Raoul Moat face on a piece of paper with a red biro, cut it out and wear it as a mask. Shoot people. (Yes. Well, thanks to @wo0 for that one. You’re going to Hell.)

99) Write “I am a Brazillian plumber” on his forehead and send him to Stockwell Tube Station (You’re sick, you know that @PhillWatson1970?)

100) And finally, why not bore someone to death with a written version of this list?
(Thank you @paulholio, you git.)

Special thanks to @BlamelessNinja for some particularly imaginative entries and for keeping me company through the gruelling process of coming up with this crap.

Now, I’ve been typing for hours so I’m off to have my RSI treated and buy some more pens.


"Just shut up and fill this with coffee"
“Just shut up and fill this with coffee”

So, not Saturday then?

I’ve been a little quiet of late, blog-wise.

I think it’s because there is just so much stupidity in the world that i’m struggling to keep up.

I could, of course, weigh in with my opinion on the Libya situation (give me five minutes with Gadafi and a 2×4, i’ll sort this crap out) but Twitter has convinced me that there is a far more important issue to discuss.

Rebecca. Sodding. Black.

She has been trending now for, oh I don’t know, maybe six years?

And why?
Because she muttered a rhyme or three into an electric fan and got a friend to Windows Movie Make her a video for it.

It’s horrible! HORRIBLE!

“Gotta get my bowl, gotta have cereal”

If she had been having pancakes on Friday, none of this crap would have happened.
It’s like she decided to sing her diary!

I wonder what other “hits” she has planned for us, “Trey Doesn’t Like Me” perhaps? Or “I Think I’m Getting Fat” maybe?
If she releases “I’ve Considered Suicide” i’ll start a campaign to make sure she follows through on it.

And now the rumours are circulating that she might collaborate with that squeaky little poprechaun, Bieber.

If that happens, i’m finally pushing the “Planet Killer” button.
I’ve held off for too long world, you have been warned.

UPDATE : 5 minutes after posting…


I grabbed the Youtube link for the “Friday” abomination and found this:

Rebecca Black – Friday (Unplugged)


I thought the soulless robo-voice from the video was some kind of autotuning but as it turns out, the wretched creature really “sings” in that lifeless drone.

If I EVER see the words “Rebecca Black” and “UNPLUGGED” again, it had better be a story about life support…