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If they came to see me cry…

I’m not ashamed to admit it, I love gaming and I am a complete achievement whore.
I will happily spend hours running in a circle to get achievements for covering certain distances, I could not be happier than when earning 100 headshots for a meaty gamerscore boost, the only thing I won’t do is the Avatar GS bump up, because I EARN my score.

So, being a ScoreWhore and Bungie’s bitch, imagine my excitement when Halo Reach hit stores, 1000 Spartan related gamer points just ripe for the picking.

Campaign, obliterated, level specific achievements, destroyed, and then…hello? What’s this?

The “If They Came To Hear Me Beg” achievement reads a little puzzling…

“Performed an Assassination against an Elite to survive a fall that would’ve been fatal.”

I figured this would mean either grabbing an Elite from a balcony whilst falling, thereby pulling yourself back up, or landing on one and performing the assassination then, to survive the fall.

A quick check online and sure enough ’twas the latter option, so away I go.

Now, I realise many of you out there are struggling somewhat with this achievement so, to help y’all out, here is my definitive guide to the “If They came To Hear Me Beg” achievement.

Warning folks, spoilers lurk in this y’ere post.

—–

Step 1 – Load “Pillar Of Autumn”, on Legendary (just to be safe)

Step 2 – Go to the cliff edge and, as Emille says “Pillar Of Autumn, race you to her”, sprint toward the edge.

Step 3 – Leap from the cliff’s edge and then de-activate sprint (else the fall may not prove fatal and the achievement will not unlock)

Step 4 – Guide your fall to land on top of the Elite

Step 5 – Smash into the ground behind the Elite, suffering a painful death

Step 6 – Checkpoint reload, repeat steps 2 to 4

Step 7 – Glance off the Elites back having performed a standard melee, sigh, allow Covenant forces to gun you down, reload checkpoint

Step 8 – Repeat steps 2 to 4

Step 9 – Land on top of Elite, performing perfect assassination animation, screaming with triumph

Step 10 – As remaining Covenant troops fill your body with needles and plasma rounds, wonder why achievement has failed to unlock, meet your grisly end and reload from checkpoint

Step 11 – Pause game

Step 12 – Google “If They Came To Hear Me Beg” achievement, watch various videos showing you how to perform the assassination, read a thousand forum entries with conflicting opinions, curse Bungie, return to Reach

Step 13 – Repeat step 2

Step 14 – Plow into the ground having failed to hit jump at the cliff’s edge

Step 15 – Fling controller across the room in a fit of rage

Step 16 – Turn X-Box off

Step 17 – Drive to nearest game store, purchase new X-Box controller, mumbling about Elites and achievements

Step 18 – Return home, fire up X-Box, load Reach

Step 19 – Repeat steps 1 to 4

Step 20 – Land seemingly perfect assassination, once again fail to unlock achievement

Step 21 – Repeat steps 2 to 4

Step 22 – Repeat step 20

Step 23 – Realise it is now 3am, turn X-Box off and cry yourself to sleep

Step 24 – Wake up, drink several litres of highly caffeinated beverage, fire up X-Box

Step 25 – Control caffeine jitters long enough to load Reach

Step 26 – Repeat steps 1 to 4

Step 27 – Suffer near mental breakdown as Noble 6 once again dashes against the rocks below

Step 28 – Repeat steps 1 to 4

Step 29 – Once again, land atop the Elite, driving him to the ground and snapping his lizard neck, feel your heart skip a beat as the achievement “bloop” sounds, realise it was a friend signing in, scream with rage and send abusive message to your friend

Step 30 – Send apologetic message to friend

Step 31 – Repeat steps 1 to 4

Step 32 – Land the assassination, hear the “bloop” but, due to stress and Reach induced insanity, fail to realise that the achievement has, in fact, FINALLY unlocked

Step 33 – Repeat steps 1 to 4

Step 34 – Continue in this general vain until friends discover you some time later, emaciated and covered in own drool

Step 35 – Enjoy relaxing break in mental institution

So there you have it, follow this simple method and you will unlock the accursed achievement and get a free “padded cell” vacation to boot. Bargain.

He's here…

Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ll be well aware that the Pope has blessed our nation with his presence.
I wish I lived under a rock…

Believe it or not, I am not an intolerant figment of the imagination, I believe that everyone has the right to follow whichever faith they so choose.
I also believe that faith can be a great comfort during times of hardship and a guiding light for those in need of direction.
Disclaimers aside, I couldn’t give the sweat from a goat’s anus about the Pope’s visit.

I’m sure many Catholics will be overjoyed at the opportunity to lay eyes on their Supreme Figurehead but leave me well enough
alone!

You see, the Holy C (guess what the C stands for?) is not a big fan of same sex marriage, not overly keen on the ordination of women, can’t quite get behind the idea of birth control, but does love a bit of Hitler.
We are talking about a man in a dress that looks suspiciously like a member of the Ku Klux Klan, who’s visit has cost the UK
taxpayer £12m, for the love of the deity of your choice!

Now i’m hearing that the Pope is leading an assembly of nearly 4000 children, but considering the church’s recent abuse scandal, the question really is where’s he leading them?
Personally, were I the PR guy behind this trip, I might have avoided the “Pied Pope” look and opted for something more wholesome, perhaps he could offer children sweets from his seat in the PopeMobile, no, wait…

Whatever your opinion of the Vatican’s Chief Wizard, the amount this is costing the average taxpayer is ludicrous, surely we can all agree on that?
Well, I say all, all of us who’re not hypnotised by the big hat.

McSon of a…

Ah McDonalds, where the shambling, soulless oiks who failed the intelligence test required to be algae serve up barely edible cardboard in the name of capitalism.

And yet, we keep going back?

Today, a startingly moronic individual handed me my “meal” with that oh so familiar vacant expression and a grunt of “thereyago”, I retired to the torture device they pass as a seat and prepared myself for the veritable feast which awaited.

I chose the large Big Mac meal, as follows…

Big Mac – Lukewarm, dry, all the flavour of a week dead rodent

Fries – Fried what? No potato has ever tasted like this!

Orange Juice – Because as is so often the case, one of the worker-orcs had jammed his hand into the machinery or some other foolishness and the fizzy beverage dispenser was still clogged with unspeakable lumps

Mmm. Delectable.

But what’s this, what’s happening, could it be? IT IS!

A British man has complained!

Oh yes folks, I complained.
I wasn’t foolish enough to do it to the face of someone who could quite conceivably cast a hex on me, but I contacted them via e-mail and eagerly await the results!

And why this time, why not one of the hundred other occasions on which I was dissatisfied with their service?

Simple, I needed material for the blog.

Al out net-heads.