Any DIY job is a lot like a one-night stand.

You start out so full of hope but it generally turns out to be an ultimately unsatisfying affair and you’re left with a horrible mess which is NOT what you had in mind when you began.

Also, there is the real risk that you could fall off of something and injure yourself (Really happened. Two words, avoid waterbeds)

“But what has brought about this sudden hatred of home improvements?” I hear you ask when prompted.

Well, the host body and his marital unit have decided to redecorate…

Work began this morning on the room belonging to the two smaller humans, half pink, half blue and all a pain in the ass.

In this particular instance, i’m actually glad that the host body is so pathetically lacking in basic motor functions, because a very able friend of his has in fact done the job for him.
(Many thanks to @BlamelessNinja, who very kindly painted the bedroom and in keeping with his name, accepts zero responsibility for any paint related mishaps and/or deaths)

If Clumsy McHostBoob had been doing the work, it would have gone very differently.

Here’s my step-by-step guide to “Dumbass Does Decorating”

1 ) Set up the pasting table

2 ) Mix up a batch of paste

3 ) Remember that you’re painting, not papering

4 ) Pour paste away

5 ) Dismantle paste table

6 ) Search entire house for a screwdriver with which to open paint

7 ) Borrow screwdriver from neighbour

8 ) Attempt to open paint

9 ) Slip and tear ragged wound in palm with screwdriver

10 ) Bleed profusely while wrapping elastoplast and duct tape around hand

11 ) Second attempt at opening paint

12 ) With one mighty wrench of the screwdriver, both open the paint and knock the tin over, ruining the carpet

13 ) Mop up excess paint

14 ) Buy large rug to cover massive stain when job is done

15 ) Very carefully open second tin of paint

16 ) Begin to apply paint to wall

17 ) Look down at paint spatters on the carpet

18 ) Slap forehead, having just now realised that you bought dust sheets for this

19 ) Mop up excess paint

20 ) Call carpet shop, order new carpet to be delivered next week

21 ) Wonder if you should have paid for professional fitting

22 ) Figure you can probably manage to lay a carpet

23 ) Look at the mess you’ve made in the first hour of decorating

24 ) Call carpet shop, request professional fitting

25 ) Lay dustsheets

26 ) Continue decorating

27 ) Finish with the roller, stand back and admire your work

28 ) Realise you’ve leant against the wet paint

29 ) Patch up the mess you’ve made of the wall

30 ) Begin carefully cutting in around fixtures and fittings

31 ) Fetch damp rag

32 ) Wipe paint off of fixtures and fittings

33 ) Step back once again to admire your endeavours

34 ) Cringe as you stand in the roller tray

35 ) Fall backwards, landing on the screwdriver which you definitely shouldn’t have just left lying around, I mean, what are you? An idiot?

36 ) After a lengthy visit to casualty, thirteen stitches and procurement of a “special cushion”, return home

37 ) Find yourself face to face with irate wife

38 ) Realise that you’ve painted the wrong room

39 ) Fling yourself out of the window

40 ) Relax in your hospital bed as professionals clear up your mess

And there you have it, one moron’s painting and decorating tips, free of charge.

Tune in next week when we’ll tell you how to build your very own television unit which will likely collapse in the night, cause a horrific fire and kill you and your family.

Stay safe kids.

2 thoughts on “D . I . Why?”

  1. and thusly, i leave the walls white. or whatever random color they are when i move in.

  2. Why are you bothering to lay dust sheets at point 25? You have already made a mess of the carpet! Also at what point do you remove the paint from the sofa and other furnishings? #Pedant #YouMissedASpot

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