Palms slick with sweat, heart racing, I gently squeeze the trigger.
My target has no idea that he is just moments away from a grizzly end.
Just a little more pressure and…the batteries die in my controller.
I manage to get a replacement pack slotted in just in time to see four members of the opposing squad rhythmically squatting over my fresh corpse.

Welcome to the world of online gaming.

I have always loved online multiplayer, from the epic RPG world of Ultima to the blood soaked battlefields of Halo and C.O.D.

But despite by great love of these games, there is much about the online gaming world which is truly irksome:

1) Chatter:

I am an X-Box 360 gamer and I have an official 360 Headset.
With this I can talk to friends and teammates when playing online, whether that be inane babble about day to day life or focused team chat and strategies to overcome the obstacles presented to us by the game in hand.

Thanks to this headset, I can also hear every American gamer who feels the burning need to ask me if I am related to Harry Potter, or whether I am currently eating crumpets.

I can, thank the lord, hear the blaring, distorted music of all who choose to sit one inch from their sound system when settling in for an evening with their console.

Truly blessed, I can hear every cry of “NO YOU NOOB THE SHOTGUN IS MINE”, “HEY! HEY! GET IN THE TANK! NO YOU ASSHOLE! GET IN THE TANK!” and “JUST QUIT YOU SUCKY..UM…SUCKER! HUR HUR HUR!”

2) Camping:

For those not in the know, camping is simply defined as staying in one place to gain a tactical advantage.
Sounds fair, I suppose, I mean, you’re in the game to win, right?

Wrong. Winning is tremendous, it’s a treat, it really is.
But surely the purpose of online gaming is to have fun?

My question is, what fun is to be had from sitting in a small room, staring at a door, hoping to kill whoever might come to said door?
The answer, none, it’s tedious as all hell.

I’ve tried it, sure I racked up a fair few kills but then I slipped into a boredom induced coma and woke up to find the game over and my shirt soaked in what I can only hope was MY drool.

Campers, pack up the tents, grow a pair and get in the game.

3) Lag

Lag is the delay between a player’s action and the games re-action.#
Simply put, if I pull the trigger and it takes a few seconds before the bullet drops out the end of my rifle, i’m going to have a bad night.

I cannot begin to describe the gut-wrenching, soul-destroying feeling of squeezing off a beatifully lined up sniper round, only to stare in bemusement as the slug slams into a wall which was, just seconds before, an opponents smug grin.

Said opponent had, of course, left hours ago but due to the lag, you’re still seeing him in his previous position.

Generally that means his CURRENT position is directly behind you with a knife in his hand and a smile on his face.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder why the hell I play these games.
Sod it, anyone for chess?

2 thoughts on “Game for a laugh”

  1. Only MMORPG I normally play is Guild Wars, though I haven’t been on in a while. I prefer solo gaming since other people suck, generally speaking. That said, although the games I’m looking forward to most are Deus Ex 3 and Portal 2, I’ll also be first in line for Guild Wars 2 – if they ever finish it.

    Mostly when I’m gaming these days it’s solo on the Wii. Currently I’m Goldeneye-ing, but Metroid: Other M rocked and I love Super Mario Galaxy. Super Mario Bros Wii is really, REALLY hard though! Sure, you get unlimited continues, but I die ALL THE TIME! I’ve discovered that is more fun as a two player though – that’s had me crying with laughter as me and my friend or my brother have managed to accidentally kill each other over and over and over…

    As I say though, other people generally suck. I once got into an argument with a GW Guildie when we arranged to meet at Vizunah Square in Factions. Unfortunately, I didn’t know and he didn’t tell me that there two Vizunah Squares, Foreign and Local, and which one you could access depended on whether your character was a Factions built one or if you had migrated it across from the original Guild Wars game. I wouldn’t have thought it was that big a deal, but he went mental because he’d dropped out of a good party to play with me instead. Dude, get a grip, it’s just a game! (Although, to be fair, I later discovered it’s actually a really awesome mission (one of my faves) ONLY IF you have a good party. Ho hum.)

    Despite all of the above though, I apparently don’t exist, because girls don’t/can’t play games. Tell that to my various PCs, Wii, DS, GameCube, Amigas and Commodore 64, not to mention my friend’s PS3 and all the other Nintendo, Sega and Atari consoles I’ve played on over the years. I have such fond memories of Amiga games as a kid (Shadow of the Beast 2! Speedball 2: Brutal Delux! All the scrolling beat-em-ups!) and do you remember the Atari Lynx? My friend had one of them and I was really good at Blue Lightning and California Games. But it doesn’t matter, none of that matters.

    Because girls don’t game.

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