Do you have a spare five minutes?
I’ll take that “Not now” as a yes.

Go here (

How did you do?

I failed the test, scoring 13 out of 24.

I now have insufficient knowledge of my country of birth to remain and must be shipped immediately to deepest, darkest Peru, to shack up with Paddington’s aunt.

These questions are laughable, let’s take a look at some of my favourites:

Question 2 – How many parliamentary constituencies are there?

1. 464
2. 564
3. 646
4. 664

I hazarded a guess at 564.
The correct answer, as any school child could surely tell you, is 646.
I recently had to check which constituency I am in, why the bloody hell would I know the other 645?

Question 9 – The number of children and young people up to the age of 19 in the UK is:

1. 13 million
2. 14 million
3. 15 million
4. 16 million

Right, hold on a tick.
1, 2, 3, 4…oh bugger I lost count when little Timmy moved.
1, 2, 3…stop squirming Jeremy! Damn it!
The correct answer was 15 million.
I guessed 14 million so I expect half a point for being close.

Question 23 – How might you stop young people playing tricks on you at Halloween?

1. Call the police
2. Give them some money
3. Give them sweets or chocolate
4. Hide from them

What in the name of Satan’s downy arse hair is this all about?!
Needless to say, I would have answered “5 – Shoot them where they stand” if given the option.
But as that was lacking, I managed to scrape a tick for this one with that sweets and chocolate nonsense.

This is the test we use to determine whether or not someone is allowed to remain in this country and obtain a British passport?

I’ve been given a sneak peek at (entirely invented) some questions which are being added to the test in the near future…

Question 1 : What was the number one single on July 19th, 1976?

Question 2 : Which of these WAS one of the seven dwarfs?

1) Stabby
2) Doc
3) Gropey
4) Leery

Question 3 : What colour underwear is the Queen wearing right now?

Question 4 : What is the speed of disappointment?

Question 5 : What?

Well, I can’t hang around here chatting to you folks.
I failed and must leave the country immediately.
Of course, I can’t book a flight because I don’t have a passport…