I went to the toilet today. That’s not blogworthy, I use that toilet all the time. It’s a downstairs toilet, which is useful for someone who’s feet were designed by M.C.Escher. It’s got a sliding door and we’ve put a little reed diffuser thing in there and we’ve got nice, soft toilet paper which offends me terribly.

It’s not that i’d rather have rough paper. The stuff at school when my Host Body was young was akin to scraping one’s bum region with a handful of gravel, broken glass and thistles, which was not an enjoyable experience. No, the softness of the paper doesn’t bother me.


As I sat on the toilet, pondering the mysteries of the infinite, my eye happened upon the packaging for this delightfully gentle-on-the-rectum shitrag of ours. Beneath the name Cushelle (other brands are available) was a Koala. A fluffy, cuddly Koala.

Why? Why the bloody hell do I want to be reminded of Koala’s when i’m cleaning my patoot? Are Koala’s particularly fastidious in their hygienic approaches? Are they especially absorbent? Why does everything need a sodding mascot these days? Am I supposed to wipe my ass with marsupials? No. No, I guess not. The mascot irked me, but i’d have forgotten it after six or seven hours of red-faced screaming into the void, i’d wager. No, it wasn’t the mascot that tipped me over the edge. It was Linda.

Just to the side of the stupid, grinning Koala was a large banner with an endorsement from Linda, 62, Kent. “Best toilet roll I have used”, said Linda, apparently. Linda’s a fan of Cushelle, folks. Holds it in high regard, so she does.

Now, i’ve written a fair few reviews for Sticktwiddlers over the years. I’m forever rewriting my own personal top five film list. What i’m trying to say is, i’m used to objectively comparing one particular item to another similar item. That being said, i’ve never given that much thought to which toilet roll best cleansed my beshitted bottom. I’ve occasionally thought “Bugger me, that drew blood” or “We’ll get that one again, it matches the curtains” but these are fleeting considerations. I’ve never given enough of a damn to write in to sodding Good Housekeeping with a detailed description of my excretion escapades. Can you imagine?

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“Dear Good Housekeepers,

Today has been a wonderful day as I have finally, after years of searching, found the toilet roll which I feel that I deserve.

Every shit I have taken up to this point has been an arduous event, as I have dragged with me my sample books of various tissues and toilet rolls, my scoring charts, my video recording equipment. Diligent in my task, I recorded every movement and subsequent wiping, working my way through countless brands of toilet roll, kitchen roll, tissue, sanitary wipe and on one notable occasion following a misclick during online shopping, a copy of Katie Price’s autobiography. That was even harder on the arse than it was on the eyes, surprisingly.

All of my research has led to one, inescapable conclusion. Cushelle is the finest arsewipe on the market. Soft, strong and blissfully free of poorly ghost-written celebrity waffle. Marvellous stuff.

Cushelle are free to use my name in any capacity they see fit, in return for a lifetime supply of their delightful bum cleaner.

Al, 31, Scotland”

You wouldn’t, would you?

Mind you, i’ve wiped my own personal anus with Cushelle and it is most satisfactory. It completely failed to tear me open, spilling my innards into the toilet bowl, which is certainly a win in my book.

So, Cushelle people. if you’d like another endorsement for your product i’ve got a few possibilities for you.

“Cleaned the shit off my arse a treat”

“Delightfully soft, like rubbing your bum with a kitten”

“Best used when not dripping with chilli sauce”

“It’s a papery substance for wiping your bum”

“Bugger the three seashells!”

That last one might require some legal work.

Share A Coke With…Reluctance (UPDATED)

It’s no secret that I enjoy the occasional caffeinated beverage. Actually, that’s not true. It would be more honest to say that I exist purely on a diet of caffeine, rage and the occasional Wispa. Either way, I am a big fan of the delightful, tooth-melting concoction that is Coca-Cola.

It’s also no secret that I loathe the human race. So imagine my dismay when I discovered the nefarious plot, launched by the Coca-Cola company, intended to make me… *spits* …mingle…with others. Having voiced my dismay over the “Share a Coke with…” campaign via the medium of Twitter, I was inspired by long time friend and total git, Silver_Rayven, to contact the Coca-Cola company and make my feelings known. I sent them this email…

Dear Mr Coca and/or Mrs Cola.

I am a massive fan of your product. Well, one of your products. I have never drank Diet Coke as I am given to understand by your informative television programming that it is only for women who are dedicated to stalking shirtless bodybuilders, but Coca-Cola is my favourite beverage/cleaner of copper coins and I consume, in all honestly, more than is most likely good for me.

Imagine my horror, therefore, when your recent promotional campaign demanded that I share this delicious beverage with other people! I try to avoid other people wherever possible, interacting with the purely on an “if-I-absolutely-MUST” basis. Now, sadly, I must mingle with the wretched species daily! Couple that with the reduction of my daily Coca-Cola intake as these buggers pinch half of it and I must say i’m utterly appalled and that’s not the worst of it!

Two days ago, my bottle demanded that I share with family. This WAS a 1.75 litre bottle, but I have a very large family. Once divided equally, we each had approximately 2 teaspoons of Coke. Of course, some of the family didn’t like Coke but I forced them to drink. It turned out that cousin Emily was actually allergic but i’m assured that the swelling will eventually go down and i’m sure that everyone understands I was just doing what the bottle told me.

The final straw came yesterday. I bought a bottle of Coke from the local shop, the last they had on the shelf. It said “Share A Coke With…Bethany”. I don’t know anyone called Bethany! After making sure there wasn’t a John or a Steve lurking behind the diet bottles, I ran around the streets for three hours, grabbing passing women and screaming “ARE YOU BETHANY? I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!” into their faces. I was arrested and had a devil of a time explaining my situation to the police officers involved. Ultimately, I was released with a warning and having had my “Bethany bottle” confiscated. I purchased a replacement which demanded that I share with Michael, which happened to be the name of the nice officer who was escorting me home, so thank heaven for small mercies.

Something must be done to stop these terrible problems in the future! I must ask that you change the wording to “Share a Coke with…[NAME] (But only if you want to. You don’t have to share it if you’d rather not. After all, you paid for the Coke, not them.)”. That way, my fellow, sociopathic Coke drinkers will not feel pressured into doling out sips of their hard-earned refreshment.

If you absolutely insist on continuing in this campaign, you could at least offer some alternatives. You have the vague “Family” and “Friends” options, why not some of these…

“Share A Coke With…Reluctance”

“Share A Coke With…No Bugger”

“Share A Coke With…A Resigned Look And A Sigh”

“Share A Coke With…Yo Momma”

I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Yours in despair,
Al Vimh

I can’t wait to hear what they say.

EDIT: 06/06/2013

I don’t have to wait because floaty beard love ’em, they’ve written back.

Dear Al Vimh,

Thank you for contacting us once again. (I assume they’re referring to my Coke Zone points fiasco)

We were sorry to learn of your disappointment with our Share a Coke campaign.

Our Share a Coke campaign is intended to be fun and playful and to encourage people to get involved with it. To start the campaign, we replaced our iconic Coca-Cola logo on some of our bottles with 150 of the most popular names in Great Britain.

However we do appreciate your comments; they have been shared with our marketing team.

Kind regards,

Consumer Information Centre
Coca-Cola Great Britain

Incredibly polite but I can’t help but feel that they’re not entering into the spirit of the thing…