Cooking With Al

Having grown weary of the Host Body’s usual beans/spaghetti/ravioli/butter on toast, I decided that tonight I would seize control and prepare the evening meal.

At a dinner party with Sata…a certain individual, some time ago, I developed a fondness for Chicken & Vegetable Lasagna, so I decided to give it a go.

So, follow these simple steps and in no time at all you’ll be sinking your teeth into a truly sumptuous repast.


Some mushrooms
Couple of onions
Peppers (assorted colours)
Tomatoes, one tin of
Chicken breasts, two or three or whatever
Dried lasagne sheets or the ability to make fresh lasagne sheets
Jar of lasagne sauce (Red)
Jar of lasagne sauce (White)


Every pot, pan, dish, bowl, spoon, spatula, knife and tin-opener that you can lay hands on


1 ) Chop the onions into a large saucepan

2 ) Chop the mushrooms into the same saucepan

3 ) Start chopping the peppers

4 ) Get told off by your Significant Other for using peppers which are clearly well past their use by date

5 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other

6 ) Storm out of the house

7 ) Return with apology chocolates and fresh peppers

8 ) Chop peppers into the large saucepan

9 ) Empty tin of tomatoes onto the worktop

10 ) Swear loudly

11 ) Scoop tomatoes from worktop, into bowl

12 ) Prepare to pour tomatoes into saucepan

13 ) Get told off by Significant Other, who can clearly see the pieces of onion skin, crumbs and assorted detritus which is now mixed in with the tomatoes

14 ) Have second row with Significant Other

15 ) Watch as Significant Other storms out of the house

16 ) Apologise when Significant Other returns with fresh tin of tomatoes and pointed expression

17 ) Empty tin of tomatoes into saucepan

18 ) Turn hob to highest heat

19 ) Keep quiet as Significant Other turns it down a couple of notches

20 ) Crush six cloves of garlic and drop into saucepan

21 ) When Significant Other asks, swear that you only put in one clove

22 ) Begin dicing chicken breast

23 ) Slip with knife, stab self in hand.

24 ) Pull knife from hand, screaming in agony

25 ) Resist urge to stab Significant Other when they say “Don’t think you wanted to do that, did you?”

26 ) Wrap teatowel around hand and begin scooping bloodied chicken into a bowl

27 ) Realise this is bloody stupid even for you, throw the chicken in the bin

28 ) Hunt through freezer for chicken

29 ) Realise that the chicken wouldn’t defrost in time, even if you found any

30 ) Go to nearest shop and buy more chicken, pre-diced

31 ) Fry pre-diced chicken

32 ) Burn pre-diced chicken

33 ) Burn previously diced hand, trying to remove pan of burning chicken from the hob

34 ) Drop pan on foot

35 ) Burn foot

36 ) Jump around on one foot, put one hand on worktop to steady yourself

37 ) Realise that you have actually put your hand on the hob

38 ) Burn hand

39 ) Scream with rage, fling pan at wall, kick oven, punch through cupboard, storm out of kitchen

40 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other

41 ) Apologise and return to kitchen to clear up mess

42 ) Find kitchen on fire

43 ) Call fire brigade

44 ) Get told off by Significant Other for over-reacting

45 ) Watch sheepishly as she throws wet teacloth over what is, in actual fact, a small flame

46 ) Apologise to fire brigade

47 ) Take Significant Other out to dinner

And there you have it!

Obviously, if you are single you’ll need to berate and/or slap yourself wherever you find the words “Significant Other”.

Either way, you’ve got the perfect excuse for a night out, possibly after a trip to casualty.

Bon appetit.

They wanted a boy…

I was recently saddened by the news that my favourite website,, had closed.
Without my usual source of titillation, I turned, like so many others, to a recent episode of “Nigella’s Kitchen”.

Why, in the name of Gordon Ramsay, does anyone watch that awful woman?

If nothing else, there is her constant, seemingly heavily medicated smile to contend with.
I have only once before seen a smile like that and Batman planted a high kick squarely in its center.

I’ll not deny that she’s handsome enough, I might go so far as to venture into “Carry On” like innuendo and make some reference to her fine baked potatoes or impressive rump roast.
Sadly, that doesn’t make her show any less of a chore to sit through.

I would love to see the script and production notes for an episode of “Nigella’s Kitchen”, i’d imagine it looks something like this…

SCENE: Kitchen, down to earth, homely, somewhere that Nigella and her smug grin will stand out like a very large and irritating sore thumb.

Nigella enters the kitchen, she takes some ingredients from the refridgerator, perhaps a cucumber or similarly phallic foodstuff.

Nigella is smiling at this point and will smile for the entirety of the episode but at no point will we get any sense that she actually enjoys cooking, nor will the smile ever reach her eyes. THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Nigella will NOT look directly into the camera, she will coquettishly regard the audience with upward or side on glances, nothing else

Dialogue is not important and will be ad-libbed by Nigella

Episode format is as follows:

Close up of ingredients

Close up of Nigella handling ingredients

Close up of Nigella’s mouth as she tastes an ingredient

Upward glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Close up of Nigella speaking, possible tongue flicker over lips

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Sideways glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Close up of ingredients

Nigella describes current ingredient in vaguely sexual manner

Upward glance, eyelash flutter, smile redoubled, eyes remain lifeless

Close up of Nigella chopping/mixing/stirring/kneading/similar

Close up of Nigella tasting, run tongue over lips

Nigella describes flavour as “Sinful/Dreamy/Orgasmic/Practically sexual”

Sideways glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes hinting at lack of a soul

Close up of Nigella adding finishing touches

Nigella rounds off dish with serving suggestion and blatant innuendo

Friends arrive to taste, as Nigella has repelled all those who have attempted to get to know her, friends will be paid extras or crew members

Repeat entire process for second dish

Repeat entire process for third dish

Roll credits

POST CREDIT SCENE: Kitchen, night, Nigella wolfs down leftovers from the refridgerator in a desperate bid to appear down to earth, “one of the girls”

Production logos display if anyone actually wants to attach their names to this trainwreck.

In all honesty, I think they’ve got about twelve hours of Nigella Lawson stock footage which they use to create “new” episodes

It would explain why she seems so well preserved for 50, because it was filmed 20 years ago…

Think i’ll stick to Jamie Oliver, he’s a pillock aswell but at least he doesn’t want me to have sex with him.