Feeling hot, hot, hot.

Host Body has been legally bound to Marital Unit for two years today. That means they’ve been together for seven years exactly, because they married on the fifth anniversary of their first date. Awwwwww. Don’t get too impressed with the romanticism of it, it was purely so Host Body wouldn’t have to remember two dates. He not so smart.

Anyhoo, seven years together is quite a time and things can become a little…well, boring. So, I took control of Host Body for the past couple of months and followed the sage advice of an  iVillage post titled “20 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life”. I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how it went? No? Tough.

1) Pretend you just met him

Him? Oh, this whole thing is geared towards women? Ah well, shouldn’t make too much difference. So, I hopped into bed a couple of weeks back and pretended that Marital Unit and I had just met, which involved a lot of screaming, cries of “WHO ARE YOU?! WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED?!” and calling the police. On the whole, an utter failure.

2) Tease each other

I freely admit that affairs of the heart are not my area of expertise. Stopping a heart, that’s something at which I excel, but the lovey dovey stuff is quite the mystery. For example, when I read “Tease each other”, I didn’t realise they meant kissing, caressing, getting each other all sexified and what have you. So I called Marital Unit a “dopey looking old trout” and took a kick to the testes for my trouble. On the plus side, that WAS physical contact, so I guess we’re on the right track.

3) Act on your moods

Again, I may have got the wrong end of the stick on this one. The article suggests sending provocative messages at times that you’re in the mood for loving, so that your partner will get that when they’re available and…probably be pissed that they missed a chance and you’re now asleep. But hey ho.
What I did was act on my EVERY mood. So when I woke up feeling a little grumpy I tripped her down the stairs. I’ll be honest, the first three tips were a major bust.

4. Get high-tech

So, I built a sex robot. I know, i’m not proud of it. It took the armed forces of three nations to bring it down…

5. Rent an “adult” video

They really need to be less cryptic with film titles these days. “Martha, meet Frank, Daniel And Lawrence” was NOT the fourway romp i’d hoped for, “Free Willy” didn’t have a single willy in it and “Hot Fuzz” was wonderfully funny but left me entirely flaccid.

6. Take real life and shove it

That’s more like it! Ignore the world around you and lose yourself in the moment! Let nothing interfere! Who cares what that beeping noise is? What do you mean, chip pan? OH LORD ABOVE MY BUTTOCKS ARE AFLAME!

7. Be at each other’s mercy

The “Saw” style torture apparatus that I rigged up was impressive and would require teamwork and absolute trust if we were to survive. We made it through, stronger that ever before. But not so much as a glimpse of boob. Useless.

8. Surprise him…and yourself!

I waited until Marital Unit was asleep and then played the Wilhelm scream at full volume, right beside her ear. That was a surprise for her and I received quite the shock when she punched me in the nose. Quite the tale to tell but not the most erotic of encounters.

9. Heat up the outdoors.

As it turns out, they do NOT mean for you to set fire to the garden.

10. Be aggressive

That woman punches like Rocky, I can tell you.

11. Share (racy) compliments

It has just this minute dawned on me that I misread this one. I spent the best part of a day trying to think up a racist compliment. The best I could come up with was “You are so much sexier than Mrs Chang from the Chinese restaurant” and to be honest I felt a little uncomfortable with it. Damn.

12. Do a little dance.

How could this fail? The song says that making a little love should surely follow and music has never lied before! One night, two weeks ago, Marital Unit came to bed only to find me perched on the dresser, covered from head to toe in jam and frantically gyrating to pounding dubstep beats. Somewhat put off by her manic laughter, I fell from the dresser, whereupon she proceeded to beat me with her hair straighteners because I had broken her mirror and covered the duvet in jam. Nil point, iVillage.

13. Go to a “toy store” together

Host Body has two children. He has spent hours in toy stores with Marital Unit and not once has he found himself overwhelmed with lust at the sight of a Snakes And Ladders set. Honestly, these tips are nonsensical

14. Slip into something more comfortable

The post mentioned a long, satin nightgown. I will tell you now that Host Body, a rotund gentleman who looks for all the world like Clyde the orangutan, does NOT look sexually pleasing in a long, satin nightgown. Next!

15. Spend intimate time together

Even I know that this tip is just sodding obvious. Of course you need to spend time together if you want to have sex! Otherwise it’s just wanking.

16. Appeal to all his senses

I scrubbed Host Body as best I could and doused him with assorted perfumes to appeal to Marital Unit’s sense of smell. Then I dressed him up in an assault on sight. Touch was tricky but I made sure everything he was wearing was soft and fluffy. Then, I had him sing a medley of her favourite songs to cover hearing and smeared him with treacle for the taste. Yeah.

The end result was a cross between Englebert Humperdinck, a grizzly bear and a horrific accident involving delivery trucks for Chanel and Tate & Lyle. Needless to say, Marital Unit was more horrified than horny.

17. Get – and give – sneak previews.

I guess a little flash or perhaps a hint at what you’d like to do to each other could be quite arousing. What I did, of course, was to run into the kitchen as Marital Unit prepared lunch and scream “SPOILER ALERT! LATER THOU SHALL RECEIVE MY SEED”. I was nervous, OK?! Running out of tips here!

18. Make a bedroom rule

No biscuits in bed! Crumbs kill the passion. Sorted

19. Make a game of it

It took me three days to pin down all of the rules, rig up the buzzers and set up the assault course and did she appreciate it? No! Typical.

20. End boredom with a routine

The last tip on the sheet. I was desperate. So, I presented Marital Unit with a detailed, four year sex plan, promising rich return on investment and…yeah, it all went wrong really.

If you REALLY want to “spice up” your sex life, why not stick your tallywhacker in some chilli powder? It will be a lot less painful than following the tips that I tried.

Back To The Studio…

As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”

This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.

So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?

Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?

Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?

Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.

But no.

Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.

That’s it.

That’s the entire sodding story!

In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.

She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.

They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!

I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!

Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:

Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”

Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”

Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”

Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”

Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”

Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”

Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”

*tape rolls*

Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”

Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”

Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”

*back to live feed*

Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”

Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”

I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.

Royal pain in my ass…

So, the royal wedding is almost upon us and apparently i’m supposed to care.

April 29th sees the marriage of some girl to some guy, just as it did LAST year when my host body wed a comely young maiden.

Yes, host body’s first anniversary falls on the date of the royal wedding and, asides from the UberSpecialBonusBankHoliday, it’s just going to interfere with plans.

Traffic will probably suck as moron monarchists head out to assorted parties.
Restaraunts and pubs will doubtless be packed with people watching, talking about, arguing about or whinging about the royal wedding.
Hell, i’ll be amazed if host body can get his anniversary end away without having to wrap his chap in a Union Jack.

It’s not that I hate the idea of Wills & Kate tying the Royal knot, it’s just that…I don’t care.

I truly could not give a rat’s teensy weensy ass about the royal wedding and, as such, will be doing pretty much ANYTHING other than watching the nuptial.

In fact, here are five things I would rather be doing and may in fact try on April 29th:

1) Watching paint dry:

Ok, it’s a bit of a cliche but i’m a sucker for a classic.
I’m figuring i’ll paint a massive “Balls to the happy couple” sign and see how long it takes to dry.

2) Feeding myself to the dogs:

I know what you’re thinking, being slowly eaten alive by slathering canines would be a horrendously painful way to die.
But then again, BT Vision expect me to watch several films about weddings between now and the 29th to “Get in the mood”
Pros and cons, right?

3) Reading the entire Mills & Boon back catalogue with James Blunt for background music:

Wow. That’s horrible. I…I might take another shot at the dogs.

4) Swallowing and then excreting a pineapple, whole:

I’m not entirely sure which end would struggle more, but if it takes my mind off of this wedding wossname, i’m game

5) Read Lord Of The Rings in it’s entirety, while watching all three films back to back, tweeting every difference between the two:

That’s right you swine, i’d do it too.
If I have to suffer the Royal Ridiculousness, you will fall prey to my geekly anal rententiveness!

You know what, screw it, I might knock back a couple cases of cough syrup and spend the entire weekend in sweet, narcotic oblivion.

To the happy couple…