Host Body has been legally bound to Marital Unit for two years today. That means they’ve been together for seven years exactly, because they married on the fifth anniversary of their first date. Awwwwww. Don’t get too impressed with the romanticism of it, it was purely so Host Body wouldn’t have to remember two dates. He not so smart.
Anyhoo, seven years together is quite a time and things can become a little…well, boring. So, I took control of Host Body for the past couple of months and followed the sage advice of an iVillage post titled “20 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life”. I’m sure you’re all just dying to know how it went? No? Tough.
1) Pretend you just met him
Him? Oh, this whole thing is geared towards women? Ah well, shouldn’t make too much difference. So, I hopped into bed a couple of weeks back and pretended that Marital Unit and I had just met, which involved a lot of screaming, cries of “WHO ARE YOU?! WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED?!” and calling the police. On the whole, an utter failure.
2) Tease each other
I freely admit that affairs of the heart are not my area of expertise. Stopping a heart, that’s something at which I excel, but the lovey dovey stuff is quite the mystery. For example, when I read “Tease each other”, I didn’t realise they meant kissing, caressing, getting each other all sexified and what have you. So I called Marital Unit a “dopey looking old trout” and took a kick to the testes for my trouble. On the plus side, that WAS physical contact, so I guess we’re on the right track.
3) Act on your moods
Again, I may have got the wrong end of the stick on this one. The article suggests sending provocative messages at times that you’re in the mood for loving, so that your partner will get that when they’re available and…probably be pissed that they missed a chance and you’re now asleep. But hey ho.
What I did was act on my EVERY mood. So when I woke up feeling a little grumpy I tripped her down the stairs. I’ll be honest, the first three tips were a major bust.
4. Get high-tech
So, I built a sex robot. I know, i’m not proud of it. It took the armed forces of three nations to bring it down…
5. Rent an “adult” video
They really need to be less cryptic with film titles these days. “Martha, meet Frank, Daniel And Lawrence” was NOT the fourway romp i’d hoped for, “Free Willy” didn’t have a single willy in it and “Hot Fuzz” was wonderfully funny but left me entirely flaccid.
6. Take real life and shove it
That’s more like it! Ignore the world around you and lose yourself in the moment! Let nothing interfere! Who cares what that beeping noise is? What do you mean, chip pan? OH LORD ABOVE MY BUTTOCKS ARE AFLAME!
7. Be at each other’s mercy
The “Saw” style torture apparatus that I rigged up was impressive and would require teamwork and absolute trust if we were to survive. We made it through, stronger that ever before. But not so much as a glimpse of boob. Useless.
8. Surprise him…and yourself!
I waited until Marital Unit was asleep and then played the Wilhelm scream at full volume, right beside her ear. That was a surprise for her and I received quite the shock when she punched me in the nose. Quite the tale to tell but not the most erotic of encounters.
9. Heat up the outdoors.
As it turns out, they do NOT mean for you to set fire to the garden.
10. Be aggressive
That woman punches like Rocky, I can tell you.
11. Share (racy) compliments
It has just this minute dawned on me that I misread this one. I spent the best part of a day trying to think up a racist compliment. The best I could come up with was “You are so much sexier than Mrs Chang from the Chinese restaurant” and to be honest I felt a little uncomfortable with it. Damn.
12. Do a little dance.
How could this fail? The song says that making a little love should surely follow and music has never lied before! One night, two weeks ago, Marital Unit came to bed only to find me perched on the dresser, covered from head to toe in jam and frantically gyrating to pounding dubstep beats. Somewhat put off by her manic laughter, I fell from the dresser, whereupon she proceeded to beat me with her hair straighteners because I had broken her mirror and covered the duvet in jam. Nil point, iVillage.
13. Go to a “toy store” together
Host Body has two children. He has spent hours in toy stores with Marital Unit and not once has he found himself overwhelmed with lust at the sight of a Snakes And Ladders set. Honestly, these tips are nonsensical
14. Slip into something more comfortable
The post mentioned a long, satin nightgown. I will tell you now that Host Body, a rotund gentleman who looks for all the world like Clyde the orangutan, does NOT look sexually pleasing in a long, satin nightgown. Next!
15. Spend intimate time together
Even I know that this tip is just sodding obvious. Of course you need to spend time together if you want to have sex! Otherwise it’s just wanking.
16. Appeal to all his senses
I scrubbed Host Body as best I could and doused him with assorted perfumes to appeal to Marital Unit’s sense of smell. Then I dressed him up in an assault on sight. Touch was tricky but I made sure everything he was wearing was soft and fluffy. Then, I had him sing a medley of her favourite songs to cover hearing and smeared him with treacle for the taste. Yeah.
The end result was a cross between Englebert Humperdinck, a grizzly bear and a horrific accident involving delivery trucks for Chanel and Tate & Lyle. Needless to say, Marital Unit was more horrified than horny.
17. Get – and give – sneak previews.
I guess a little flash or perhaps a hint at what you’d like to do to each other could be quite arousing. What I did, of course, was to run into the kitchen as Marital Unit prepared lunch and scream “SPOILER ALERT! LATER THOU SHALL RECEIVE MY SEED”. I was nervous, OK?! Running out of tips here!
18. Make a bedroom rule
No biscuits in bed! Crumbs kill the passion. Sorted
19. Make a game of it
It took me three days to pin down all of the rules, rig up the buzzers and set up the assault course and did she appreciate it? No! Typical.
20. End boredom with a routine
The last tip on the sheet. I was desperate. So, I presented Marital Unit with a detailed, four year sex plan, promising rich return on investment and…yeah, it all went wrong really.
If you REALLY want to “spice up” your sex life, why not stick your tallywhacker in some chilli powder? It will be a lot less painful than following the tips that I tried.