Tag Archives: religion

Armageddon And On And On And On

The world ended today. You might have missed it. You were probably at work or hanging out the washing or masturbating to images of George Osborne dressed as Sailor Moo-

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Sorry about that, I had to vomit for several hours. Seriously, after that mental image I actually wish the world would end.

It won’t though.  Please don’t misunderstand me, the sun will eventually explode and flash fry the entire globe, which will destroy the machine army which had wiped out the human race centuries before, but it’s not happening just yet.

You look a little confused. Yes, I am watching you through a camera, move on with your life. Anyway, confusion, sorry, let me explain. First, take a look at this piece by the Independent. Go on, i’ll keep myself amused while you read.

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That’s right, they’re at it again. In case you didn’t read the article and skipped ahead (understandable, i’m much more entertaining than the Independent) i’ll give you the shit-homework-is-due-today version.

Do you remember Harold Camping? He was the Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world back in 2011. Now , no-one was more shit-in-my-shoes shocked than I was when the Earth completely failed to explode on the predicted date. Thankfully, it turned out that Camping wasn’t completely wrong, he’d just missed a memo somewhere along the line.

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Cue Chris McCann, another Christian radio host.  I can only assume that the interview for that particular position goes something like…

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

INTERVIEWEE 1: “Gee, I don’t know. Science predicts cert-“

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “NEXT!”

*One out, one in*

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

McCANN: “Soon! And with lots of fire and angels and shit!”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Can you press ‘Play’ on the gramophoneeolamatron?”

McCANN: “…not sure, chief”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Close enough, welcome aboard”

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So, McCann explains that Camping’s predicted date is the beginning of 1600 days of something or other and blah blah wossname, today is the day. Sorry but if he’s right, I need to wrap this up before midnight if I want to go out with even a few blog views.

Seems unlikely though. Nothing’s happened yet. The world doesn’t appear to even be smoldering, let alone wreathed in the flames of God’s wrath. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one.

Almost makes you wonder if he’s just made this claim for fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, the whole internet is…talking about…him…

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I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD WILL END ON JANUARY 19th 2022!

THE SKY SHALL OPEN AND 101 ANGELS SHALL POUR FORTH, POSSIBLY RIDING DALMATIANS! TERRIBLE SHALL BE THEIR CRIES OF RAGE, NOT TO MENTION THE BARKING AND RAIN OF DOG SHIT!

THESE HEAVENLY HORDES SHALL LAY WASTE TO THE LANDS, DRIVING THE WICKED TO HELL WITH THEIR FIERY SWORDS AND DIRECTING THE RIGHTEOUS TOWARDS THE STAIRS! ELEVATORS WILL BE PROVIDED FOR THOSE WITH MOBILITY ISSUES!

WHEN ALL MANKIND IS GONE, THE FINAL ANGEL SHALL UTTER THE WORDS “ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! DESTRUCT! ZERO!” AND ALL SHALL BE DARKNESS!

That should be good for a couple thousand hits and around sixty thousand dollars in donations to the Church of St I Don’t Know Of The Holy Arseholes To I, I Could Use A New Car.

We're all the same apparently.

According to certain religions (and we won’t be going into this too heavily because quite frankly religion angers me) man was created first and then the Big Beard in the Sky knocked up woman out of spare parts ’cause we were lonely.

One would assume that, had Adam not have been whining on about having no-one to talk to, God would have made other arrangements with regards to breeding and such and woman would never have come to be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you kinda wish Adam hadn’t have shot his mouth off.

Don’t get me wrong, I like-a the ladies, but given the constant torrent of “man bashing” on Facebook of late I felt that it was our turn.

So much utter tripe is spewed by the female of the species that I felt it was time to address some of their most pressing concerns.

1) “OMG THEY’RE ALL SOOOO SHALLOW I WANT A GUY TO LIKE ME FOR MY MIND AND ALL DAT OMG LOL!!!”

Would it be fair to say that when looking around a bar or club, your eye is inexorably drawn to pretty girls? Yes

Does everyone have different ideas as to what is in fact attractive, the old beauty, eye, beholder bit? Yes

Doesn’t that negate the shallow part of the argument because at the end of the day different people are attracted to different physical types? Of course

Are men able to read a woman’s mind at the moment he glances at her and discern whether or not he would like to get to know her based on his Vulcan mind meld appraisal of her personality? No

Is the female argument here actually a load of old cobblers? Certainly

2) “HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MEN ARE SOOOO LAZY!!!!! OMG!”

What women are trying to tell you here is that all men are lazy.
No, no we’re not.
I do plenty around the house, which means I am not lazy.
To fit into the generalisation, given that i’m not bone idle as theory suggest, I must therefore be a woman.
Having glanced down, my genitalia seem to be male and in full working order, so I think we’ve quelled that particular issue girls.
Not all men are lazy, if your partner is, get rid of him and find one who’ll cater to your every whim as you are secretly hoping or tell him to pull his finger out and help.
Either way, don’t tar us all with the same brush.

3) “ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS SEX!!!”

Only a woman could, without any trace of humour, complain about the fact that the person they are with finds them desirable and would like the opportunity to express that love through the act of intercourse, or “bumping uglies” for the less literate among you.

That being said, it’s not all we think about, there’s lots in our minds.
Let me give you a brief insight into my thought processes, we’ll take it from just after the kids head to bed and calm settles o’er the house:

“Hmm, what to do tonight, watch a DVD? Play a little X-Box? Hey wasn’t that Doctor Who special on tonight? I could do with a snack. I’ll see if the missus fancies a cuppa that’d be nice. Bless her she looks tired. Maybe i’ll rub her feet. Hey if I do, she might have sex with me! Mmmm, sex”

You see, there was plenty of stuff in there which wasn’t about sex.
What you girls need to be saying is “OMG THEY THINK ABOUT ALL SORTS, IT JUST ALWAYS ENDS UP AT SEX!!!”
And then you need to shut up complaining about it because the fact that we want to have sex with you means we find you attractive which is a good thing, although I expect we’re just being shallow.

I have more, but I think i’ll settle in to watch the hate (fe)mail roll on in.

Love you girls.