They wanted a boy…

I was recently saddened by the news that my favourite website, FrenchMaidsTickleYourFancy.com, had closed.
Without my usual source of titillation, I turned, like so many others, to a recent episode of “Nigella’s Kitchen”.

Why, in the name of Gordon Ramsay, does anyone watch that awful woman?

If nothing else, there is her constant, seemingly heavily medicated smile to contend with.
I have only once before seen a smile like that and Batman planted a high kick squarely in its center.

I’ll not deny that she’s handsome enough, I might go so far as to venture into “Carry On” like innuendo and make some reference to her fine baked potatoes or impressive rump roast.
Sadly, that doesn’t make her show any less of a chore to sit through.

I would love to see the script and production notes for an episode of “Nigella’s Kitchen”, i’d imagine it looks something like this…

SCENE: Kitchen, down to earth, homely, somewhere that Nigella and her smug grin will stand out like a very large and irritating sore thumb.

Nigella enters the kitchen, she takes some ingredients from the refridgerator, perhaps a cucumber or similarly phallic foodstuff.

Nigella is smiling at this point and will smile for the entirety of the episode but at no point will we get any sense that she actually enjoys cooking, nor will the smile ever reach her eyes. THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Nigella will NOT look directly into the camera, she will coquettishly regard the audience with upward or side on glances, nothing else

Dialogue is not important and will be ad-libbed by Nigella

Episode format is as follows:

Close up of ingredients

Close up of Nigella handling ingredients

Close up of Nigella’s mouth as she tastes an ingredient

Upward glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Close up of Nigella speaking, possible tongue flicker over lips

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Sideways glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes

Nigella explains part of dish preparation

Close up of ingredients

Nigella describes current ingredient in vaguely sexual manner

Upward glance, eyelash flutter, smile redoubled, eyes remain lifeless

Close up of Nigella chopping/mixing/stirring/kneading/similar

Close up of Nigella tasting, run tongue over lips

Nigella describes flavour as “Sinful/Dreamy/Orgasmic/Practically sexual”

Sideways glance, eyelash flutter, smile, dead eyes hinting at lack of a soul

Close up of Nigella adding finishing touches

Nigella rounds off dish with serving suggestion and blatant innuendo

Friends arrive to taste, as Nigella has repelled all those who have attempted to get to know her, friends will be paid extras or crew members

Repeat entire process for second dish

Repeat entire process for third dish

Roll credits

POST CREDIT SCENE: Kitchen, night, Nigella wolfs down leftovers from the refridgerator in a desperate bid to appear down to earth, “one of the girls”

Production logos display if anyone actually wants to attach their names to this trainwreck.

In all honesty, I think they’ve got about twelve hours of Nigella Lawson stock footage which they use to create “new” episodes

It would explain why she seems so well preserved for 50, because it was filmed 20 years ago…

Think i’ll stick to Jamie Oliver, he’s a pillock aswell but at least he doesn’t want me to have sex with him.