Dear Channel Four…

Well, that’s an evening well spent. I have spent the last couple of hours crafting and sending an email to Channel Four’s comedy department, to pitch a series of show ideas. Admittedly, some of the shows were not comedies, but then the entire article was intended as such so I figure we’ve aimed for the right target.

With the hilarious creative input of Sibling Unit (KimmyMc1908) and Partner Of Sibling Unit (Miester), I have compiled a list of show ideas which…well, best you just read the email that was sent to Channel Four. Names changed to protect the innocent*

*To keep us from being sued and shit.

Dear Miss or Mrs Smith
 
Firstly, apologies for the vague greeting but I had no idea which type you were. I’d hate to offend, so have included both and ask that you delete as appropriate.
 
I am writing to you today as I, Al Vimh (@al_vimh), have formed an incredible, perhaps world changing writing team, along with my sister Kimmy (@Kimmy1908) and my brother-in-law, Miester (@Miester84). We have compiled a list of our pant-wettingly incredible ideas for new programming, which we would love for you to read. 
 
These days, Miss or Mrs Smith, the money is in spin offs. Look at Joey, the spin off from Friends. Sure, it wasn’t anywhere near as funny. as popular or as succesful but I think you’ll agree it was a hilarious and hugely popular success. So, we’ve taken some of your most popular shows and worked out possible spin-off properties which you could develop. We are certain that these shows will make you millions upon thousands of pounds and/or pennies and we will of course be happy to split the profits evenly with you, 50/40, with a 10% margin of error.
 
 
SHOW IDEAS:
 
Come Asinine With Me – In which four strangers gather in a room to discuss things which are utterly foolish.
 
Come Benign With Me – In which four strangers gather in a room and are generally just quite pleasant and inoffensive towards each other
 
Come Align With Me – In which four OCD sufferers are gathered in a room. Then they tidy it.
 
Come Recline With Me – In which four strangers are gathered in a room and sit down. Occasionally, one person sighs softly.
 
Come Feline With Me – Same as Come Dine With Me, but with cats. See also Come Canine With Me, Come Bovine With Me, Come Equine With Me and my personal favourite, Come Porcine With Me. (That’s pigs)
 
Come “Draw The Line” With Me – In which four strangers gather, argue and reach a crucial sticking point.
Alternatively, in which four strangers gather around a sheet of paper and draw a line.
 
Come Resign With Me – In which four strangers gather at their relative workplaces and hand in their notices.
No cooking in this one, they can’t afford it.
 
Come Entwine With Me – In which four strangers are gathered to play an elaborate and deadly game of Twister.
Hopefully narrated by Tobin Bell.
 
Come Decline With Me – In which four strangers gather for a meal, but turn down everything they are offered and refuse to score the evening. No prize money required, they wouldn’t want it.
 
Count Down – In which the Count from Sesame Street trips and falls into a ditch and we watch him lying there.
 
Dill Or No Dill – In which 22 celebrity chefs are gathered to sniff boxes and try to determine whether or not they have dill in them.
 
Meal Or No Meal – In which 22 homeless people are gathered and hope like christ their box contains some soup.
 
Feel Or No Feel – In which 22 perverts are gathered and drunkenly attempt to grope attractive members of the opposite sex.
I suppose the gropee, so to speak, would have to be in a box.
 
Aimless – Following the residents of “The Other Gallagher Estate” as they wander fecklessly through their days with no real direction or life goals.
 
Blameless – Following the residents of “O.J. Simpson Estate” as they continually profess their innocence for an increasingly bizarre series of crimes.
 
Frameless – Following the residents of “Picasso Estate” as they hang posters on their walls. 
No frames. Kind of writes itself.
 
Grahamless – Following the residents of “Nemo Estate” as they look for their mate Graham.
 
Stupor Nanny – In which Jo Frost attempts to advise parents on their children’s upbringing, having recently been beaten around the head with a frying pan
 
Jollyoaks – It’s basically Hollyoaks, but without all that depressing bollocks. 
 
Olly Oaks – Soap following the exploits of Olly Murs. Just him.
Living in Hollyoaks, probably. I don’t know, I don’t like Olly Murs.
 
Dolly Oaks – Same shit as above, but with Dolly Parton. Perhaps she’s “Working Nine Til Five”.
Ha! God damn, the jokes write themselves. Seriously though, don’t let her sing.
 
Hillyoaks – Pretty much the same as ever, but more hills.
People delivering lines whilst out of breath, or going “Weeeeeeee” on their bicycles.
 
Collie Oaks – Come on Channel Four, it’s a soap opera for dogs. There are LOADS of dogs.
It’s a surefire hit, right? RIGHT!?
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Cook Good Naked – In which Gok Wan combines his love of cooking and fashion,
teaching one guest each week to prepare a dish whilst fully nude. Will need a warning, features nudity,
occasional strong language and horrific scenes of burnt genitals.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Baked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options to stoners, who giggle and ask him if he has any cookies.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Raked – In which Gok Wan struggles to find a suitable outfit for a man who has been killed with a rake.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Staked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options for vampires.
But they don’t care, because they’re dust now.
 
Gok Wan Presents: How To Look Good Laked – In which Gok Wan recommends clothing options for people who are very wet. Perhaps mermaids. The title might need work.
 
Undercover Bass – In which a large sea bass is sent in to a downtrodden community to observe their day to day lives.
At the end of each episode the bass completely fails to make any of their dreams reality, because it is a fish and therefore lacks the necessary funds.
 
Undercover Bus – In which a bus is sent to live with the Amish and hopes to not be shunned for being of a mechanical nature.
 
Undercover Bros – In which Bros are sent in to covertly observe the day to day lives of a small community, but then everyone recognises them because they’re Bros.
 
Farther Ted – In which a man named Ted is constantly told to move back just a little more 
Strife Swap – In which two couples swap problems and ultimately achieve little.
 
Knife Swap – In which two couples swap the contents of their cutlery drawer and then wonder why.
 
More In A Bed – Not dissimilar to Four In A Bed, but with more people. Maybe five.
 
Sure In A Bed – In which someone is in bed and absolutely certain of something.
 
You’re In A Bed – In which you, that’s you reading this, are in bed.
 
Procreation! Procreation! Procreation! – In which Kirsty and Phil find three possible mates for a young person hoping to have a child. Mind you, looking at Kirsty and Phil i’m not sure i’d want them involved in MY breeding process, but each to their own.
I mean look at some of the godawfully ugly couples out there, but they manage to produce reasonable looking children.
Sorry, I digress…
 
Procrastination! Procrastination! Procrastination! – In which Kirsty and Phil know that they really should be out looking for houses, but keep getting distracted by things like the latest episode of You’re In A Bed or the sound of an ice cream truck.
 
Rotation! Rotation! Rotation! – In which Kirsty and Phil are stuck in a revolving door.
 
Flotation! Flotation! Flotation! – In which Kirsty and Phil are thrown into a rubber dinghy, pushed out to sea and left for dead.
 
Flee – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flea – A suppressed young group of singing fleas attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flue – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to escape from their overpowering choir master, via the chimney.
 
Flew – A suppressed young group of singers attempt to book airline tickets, in order to escape from their overpowering choir master
 
Flown – A suppressed young group of singers have escaped from their overpowering choir master.
 
Flog – A joke based around the god awful show, Glee, is pushed to the very limits and ultimately ruined by a three person writing 
 team in an email pitching ideas to Channel 4.
 
My Big Fat Gypsy Funeral – I don’t know, i’ve never watched it. I assume it would involve burying big, fat gypsy folk.
 
2 Bespoke Girls – A sitcom set around an internet company which allows you to order a woman, constructed to your precise requirements.
 
2 Broke Guys – Because, y’know, lets not be sexist.
 
2 Broke Gays – Again, lets not exclude any one
 
2 Bloke Girls – Drag queens now. Get everyone involved.
 
2 Baroque Girls – A sitcom centred around two struggling waitresses, portrayed through exaggerated artistic motion and easily interpreted detail, in order to produce drama, tension, exuberance, and grandeur.
 
2 Blokes Curl – In which two men enjoy the fine sport of curling.
 
The Eye Teeth Crowd – A sitcom centred around an office of some sort, doesn’t matter, in which three workers talk about the things they want and what they would give to get them.
 
The Small Bang Theory – In which four scientists try to work out what caused the odd popping sound in their garden.
 
How I Maimed Your Mother – In which the lead character describes to his children his horrific axe attack on their mother and the hilarity which followed.
 
How I Mate Your Mother – In which the lead character describes to his increasingly uncomfortable offspring, the manner in which he sexually gratifies their mother
 
How I Ate Your Mother – In which the lead character explains at first to his children, later to an empty sofa and ultimately to a police psychologist, the manner in which he consumed the corpse of his wife.
 
How Ivan Met Your Mother – In which the lead character tells his children a tedious story about their mother meeting a man called Ivan at the local delicatessen and never speaking to him again because “he smelled like beetroot”
 
How Ai-Ai-Ai Met Your Mother – A crossover show, bisecting with early nineties Power Rangers episodes, featuring irritating, unlikeable robot sidekick, Alpha.
 
Grand Signs – In which Kevin McCloud visits signs from around the UK, starting with the stop sign at the bottom of my road.
It’s quite big and a very nice shade of red.
 
Grand, Des Lynam – A sitcom centred around Kevin McCloud and Des Lynam sharing a flat. At the end of each episode, Kevin will chuckle and say “That’s grand, Des Lynam” and EVERYONE will laugh, damn it.
 
Atomic Relief – A yearly telethon to raise funds to aid Dr Simon Trepan, the poor sap who ripped his cock off after creating a nuclear powered wanking device. True story.
 
 
As i’m sure you will agree, Miss or Mrs Smith, what we have here is a license to print money. Obviously, it’s not an actual license to print money, so please do not print any or we will probably be arrested for counterfeiting. Nevertheless, we’re sure to turn a buck with these little beauties.
 
I look forward to your prompt, if not instantaneous response, thanking us for these wonderful ideas and offering us lucrative contracts and a basket of those delightful mini-muffins. I prefer blueberry, but Miester and Kimmy would be happier with chocolate. Each to their own. I once knew a guy who didn’t like soup. Can you imagine that? Not liking soup. Funny old world. Anyhoo, must dash, i’ve a massive email to send to the BBC.
 
Hugs and kisses
Mr or Mrs Al Vimh
Dictated but not read.
I await their response with baited breath and open legs.
Disclaimer: Neither I nor my writing partners own any of the properties on which these parody ideas are based. Obviously. I mean, if I did, i’d be rolling in money and not arsing about, sending stupid emails to some poor bugger at Channel Four. Still, it’s worth pointing out in case some absolute arsewaffle tries to sue me or get, what is it the kids say these days, “all up in my grill”. So, cut it out lawyer types, right?