Hey there, MonkeyScrotum…

What the hell is with the wierdness of pet names?

“Thanks for the cuppa, sweetheart”

Yeah that seems fair

“Mmm, tea was delicious babe”

Hmm, ok I can allow that

“You look hot tonight sugartits”

Right, right. No. Hang on. Sugartits?

“Hey there pop tart”

She’s a toasted breakfast treat? What the…

“Awwwwww hunnybun”

NO! None of this hunnybunning, babycaking, sexybumming bullpizzle!

Facebook especially is riddled with this imbecilic, simpering awfulness.

Look, you love her, she loves you, wondrous.

But you were given names for a reason, use them!

Or, if you must pick a pet name, why not opt for something that doesn’t sound like a rejected Care Bear.

Also, no more of this “IT AM OUR SIX WEEK ANNIVERSARY OMG!” crap.

The word literally means Returning Yearly. YEARLY!

You want to celebrate a milestone? Congratulate yourself on not being dead yet, because I. Will. Find. You.

Of course there’s also the flipside of the “OOOOH I WUV YOU CHUFFKITTEN” debacle, which is the “SOOOO TIRED OF BEING ALONE WHY CANT I FIND A MAN/WOMAN/AGREEABLE FARMYARD ANIMAL OMG FML FML” crud which is cluttering up my News Feed.

Here’s a newsflash for you, you can’t find a viable partner because you are the last of your freakish, mutant kind and are genetically incompatible with normal folk.

Sort it out, people!

P.S – Poppet. You can have THAT pet name. Because it’s quirky

(Thanks go to @zanPHEE for bringing to my attention the irksome nature of pet names and sparking this whole ranty wossname)

We're all the same apparently.

According to certain religions (and we won’t be going into this too heavily because quite frankly religion angers me) man was created first and then the Big Beard in the Sky knocked up woman out of spare parts ’cause we were lonely.

One would assume that, had Adam not have been whining on about having no-one to talk to, God would have made other arrangements with regards to breeding and such and woman would never have come to be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you kinda wish Adam hadn’t have shot his mouth off.

Don’t get me wrong, I like-a the ladies, but given the constant torrent of “man bashing” on Facebook of late I felt that it was our turn.

So much utter tripe is spewed by the female of the species that I felt it was time to address some of their most pressing concerns.


Would it be fair to say that when looking around a bar or club, your eye is inexorably drawn to pretty girls? Yes

Does everyone have different ideas as to what is in fact attractive, the old beauty, eye, beholder bit? Yes

Doesn’t that negate the shallow part of the argument because at the end of the day different people are attracted to different physical types? Of course

Are men able to read a woman’s mind at the moment he glances at her and discern whether or not he would like to get to know her based on his Vulcan mind meld appraisal of her personality? No

Is the female argument here actually a load of old cobblers? Certainly


What women are trying to tell you here is that all men are lazy.
No, no we’re not.
I do plenty around the house, which means I am not lazy.
To fit into the generalisation, given that i’m not bone idle as theory suggest, I must therefore be a woman.
Having glanced down, my genitalia seem to be male and in full working order, so I think we’ve quelled that particular issue girls.
Not all men are lazy, if your partner is, get rid of him and find one who’ll cater to your every whim as you are secretly hoping or tell him to pull his finger out and help.
Either way, don’t tar us all with the same brush.


Only a woman could, without any trace of humour, complain about the fact that the person they are with finds them desirable and would like the opportunity to express that love through the act of intercourse, or “bumping uglies” for the less literate among you.

That being said, it’s not all we think about, there’s lots in our minds.
Let me give you a brief insight into my thought processes, we’ll take it from just after the kids head to bed and calm settles o’er the house:

“Hmm, what to do tonight, watch a DVD? Play a little X-Box? Hey wasn’t that Doctor Who special on tonight? I could do with a snack. I’ll see if the missus fancies a cuppa that’d be nice. Bless her she looks tired. Maybe i’ll rub her feet. Hey if I do, she might have sex with me! Mmmm, sex”

You see, there was plenty of stuff in there which wasn’t about sex.
What you girls need to be saying is “OMG THEY THINK ABOUT ALL SORTS, IT JUST ALWAYS ENDS UP AT SEX!!!”
And then you need to shut up complaining about it because the fact that we want to have sex with you means we find you attractive which is a good thing, although I expect we’re just being shallow.

I have more, but I think i’ll settle in to watch the hate (fe)mail roll on in.

Love you girls.