Hey there, MonkeyScrotum…

What the hell is with the wierdness of pet names?

“Thanks for the cuppa, sweetheart”

Yeah that seems fair

“Mmm, tea was delicious babe”

Hmm, ok I can allow that

“You look hot tonight sugartits”

Right, right. No. Hang on. Sugartits?

“Hey there pop tart”

She’s a toasted breakfast treat? What the…

“Awwwwww hunnybun”

NO! None of this hunnybunning, babycaking, sexybumming bullpizzle!

Facebook especially is riddled with this imbecilic, simpering awfulness.

Look, you love her, she loves you, wondrous.

But you were given names for a reason, use them!

Or, if you must pick a pet name, why not opt for something that doesn’t sound like a rejected Care Bear.

Also, no more of this “IT AM OUR SIX WEEK ANNIVERSARY OMG!” crap.

The word literally means Returning Yearly. YEARLY!

You want to celebrate a milestone? Congratulate yourself on not being dead yet, because I. Will. Find. You.

Of course there’s also the flipside of the “OOOOH I WUV YOU CHUFFKITTEN” debacle, which is the “SOOOO TIRED OF BEING ALONE WHY CANT I FIND A MAN/WOMAN/AGREEABLE FARMYARD ANIMAL OMG FML FML” crud which is cluttering up my News Feed.

Here’s a newsflash for you, you can’t find a viable partner because you are the last of your freakish, mutant kind and are genetically incompatible with normal folk.

Sort it out, people!

P.S – Poppet. You can have THAT pet name. Because it’s quirky

(Thanks go to @zanPHEE for bringing to my attention the irksome nature of pet names and sparking this whole ranty wossname)