Tag Archives: sex

DIRTY! WRONG! NAUGHTY! BAD!

Read this drivel.

When you’ve stopped screaming at your monitor, answer me one question.

Is it too late to have Nadine Dorries aborted?

Yeah? Damn it.

Well something needs to be done, because I can picture sex-ed under Dorries rule…

“Now, girls, boys are bad and will definitely try to force you into sex”

“But miss, my boyfriend and I are waiting and…”

“SILENCE WHORE! As I was saying, boys WILL demand sex, but you can, no you must say no!”

“Miss, I want to have sex with my boyfriend, we feel we’re ready and we’re both 16”

“Feelings? FEELINGS?! You’re 16, you don’t know real emotion from a hole in the ground, you brazen hussy!”

“Well miss, shouldn’t you teach us what to do if we DO decide to have sex?”

“Heavens no child, no sex for you! No, let me show you how to lock your chastity belts”

She doesn’t give two hoots what you teach boys about sex, positions, methods of seduction, good places to pick up hookers, knock your socks off.

Girls, on the other hand, MUST BE MADE AWARE THAT MEN MAY AND PROBABLY WILL FORCE THEM INTO BED!

Perhaps i’m missing something, but that’s what i’m seeing here, that the male of the species is apparently little more than a walking penis, incapable of logical thought in the presence of the all important vagina.

No, Nadine, no.

Host body lost his virginity at 18, he was in a relationship, both parties were ready and they had consensual, reasonably enjoyable and only slightly awkward sex.

He didn’t force her at gunpoint, he didn’t jump her the moment she agreed to meet for drinks and he most definitely was not reduced to a salivating cock-on-legs at the sight of her.

Dorries, i’m going to leave aside the hypocrisy of hearing a husband-stealing harpy preaching about abstinence, won’t mention it once.

No, the fact that you’re on your back at the merest mention of member has absolutely nothing to do with this issue and as such, I shall refrain from including it in this blog.

Hmm, something…nah, that’s probably fine.

But I cannot and will not remain silent about the incredible stupidity of your proposed bill.

Teach children sex-education, make them aware of the risks of sex, make them aware also that it can and should be a wonderful act to be shared when the time is right.

Educate BOTH SEXES about the importance of being ready and not succumbing to pressure from partner or peers.

But turn sex into the proverbially forbidden fruit and then teach girls that men are going to badger them until they take a bite?

Moron.

We're all the same apparently.

According to certain religions (and we won’t be going into this too heavily because quite frankly religion angers me) man was created first and then the Big Beard in the Sky knocked up woman out of spare parts ’cause we were lonely.

One would assume that, had Adam not have been whining on about having no-one to talk to, God would have made other arrangements with regards to breeding and such and woman would never have come to be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, you kinda wish Adam hadn’t have shot his mouth off.

Don’t get me wrong, I like-a the ladies, but given the constant torrent of “man bashing” on Facebook of late I felt that it was our turn.

So much utter tripe is spewed by the female of the species that I felt it was time to address some of their most pressing concerns.

1) “OMG THEY’RE ALL SOOOO SHALLOW I WANT A GUY TO LIKE ME FOR MY MIND AND ALL DAT OMG LOL!!!”

Would it be fair to say that when looking around a bar or club, your eye is inexorably drawn to pretty girls? Yes

Does everyone have different ideas as to what is in fact attractive, the old beauty, eye, beholder bit? Yes

Doesn’t that negate the shallow part of the argument because at the end of the day different people are attracted to different physical types? Of course

Are men able to read a woman’s mind at the moment he glances at her and discern whether or not he would like to get to know her based on his Vulcan mind meld appraisal of her personality? No

Is the female argument here actually a load of old cobblers? Certainly

2) “HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MEN ARE SOOOO LAZY!!!!! OMG!”

What women are trying to tell you here is that all men are lazy.
No, no we’re not.
I do plenty around the house, which means I am not lazy.
To fit into the generalisation, given that i’m not bone idle as theory suggest, I must therefore be a woman.
Having glanced down, my genitalia seem to be male and in full working order, so I think we’ve quelled that particular issue girls.
Not all men are lazy, if your partner is, get rid of him and find one who’ll cater to your every whim as you are secretly hoping or tell him to pull his finger out and help.
Either way, don’t tar us all with the same brush.

3) “ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS SEX!!!”

Only a woman could, without any trace of humour, complain about the fact that the person they are with finds them desirable and would like the opportunity to express that love through the act of intercourse, or “bumping uglies” for the less literate among you.

That being said, it’s not all we think about, there’s lots in our minds.
Let me give you a brief insight into my thought processes, we’ll take it from just after the kids head to bed and calm settles o’er the house:

“Hmm, what to do tonight, watch a DVD? Play a little X-Box? Hey wasn’t that Doctor Who special on tonight? I could do with a snack. I’ll see if the missus fancies a cuppa that’d be nice. Bless her she looks tired. Maybe i’ll rub her feet. Hey if I do, she might have sex with me! Mmmm, sex”

You see, there was plenty of stuff in there which wasn’t about sex.
What you girls need to be saying is “OMG THEY THINK ABOUT ALL SORTS, IT JUST ALWAYS ENDS UP AT SEX!!!”
And then you need to shut up complaining about it because the fact that we want to have sex with you means we find you attractive which is a good thing, although I expect we’re just being shallow.

I have more, but I think i’ll settle in to watch the hate (fe)mail roll on in.

Love you girls.