Everybody is different, special, unique, which is something to be celebrated. But it’s nice to know that, no matter what, there are some things that make us all the same. Like losing stuff. I’ve lost my phone.
It’s infuriating. Not the actual loss, so much, but the crap that comes with it. Like stupid bloody questions.
“Have you looked everywhere?” No. I haven’t the time to look literally everywhere, this is a big old planet and we’ve not even plumbed the depths of the deepest oceans. Besides which, if I had looked everywhere I would have SODDING FOUND IT!
“Where did you lose it?” What a sodding question! You don’t know what the word “lose” means, do you?
We’ve all lost a phone at some point, i’ve no doubt. Most of the time, we find it again after a brief initial panic. We do that thing, where we have someone else call the phone and then wander about the house, listening for our ring tone.
“It’s ringing! Can you hear it!” NO, BECAUSE YOU’RE BLOODY SHOUTING YOU HALFWIT!
But then it turns up. Huzzah!
Mine hasn’t turned up.
I’m OK with this now, believe it or not. I’ve said my goodbyes. I’ve been through the five stages of phone loss.
You know about the five stages, right?
ME: “Have you seen my phone?”
MARITAL UNIT: “You’ve lost it, haven’t you?”
ME: “No. I had it a minute ago, but now I can’t find it.”
MARITAL UNIT: “So, it’s lost?”
ME: “No, no, no. It’s just…misplaced”
MARITAL UNIT: “Lost then.”
ME: “Not at all. It’s here somewhere, but I don’t know where.”
MARITAL UNIT: “Lost.”
ME: “…you’re lost.”
ME: “You’ve hidden it, haven’t you!”
MARITAL UNIT: “No. Why the hell would I do that?”
ME: “YOU HAVE! YOU’VE HIDDEN IT! YOU DON’T WANT ME TEXTING BOB! YOU’VE ALWAYS HATED BOB AND YOU HATE ME!”
MARITAL UNIT: “Calm down…”
ME: “I WILL NOT! I WILL TEAR THIS HOUSE APART WITH MY BARE HANDS! WITH MY TEETH, IF I HAVE TO! I WILL USE MY OWN FACE AS A SLEDGEHAMMER AND RAZE IT TO THE GROUND BEFORE I LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!”
MARITAL UNIT: “Are you having some sort of episode?”
ME: “…you’re an episode.”
ME: “Okay phone. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but if you come out from wherever the hell you are, i’ll buy you a new Micro SD card. 16gb. Would you like that? Would you like a 16gb Micro SD card?”
MARITAL UNIT: “Are…are you trying to make a deal with your lost phone?”
ME: “I do what I must. I need my phone!”
MARITAL UNIT: “I could help you look for it, if you want?”
ME: “Thanks love. Tell you what, if you find it i’ll buy you a new Micro SD card”
MARITAL UNIT: “…what?”
ME: “I’ll never find it.”
MARITAL UNIT: “I’m sure it will turn up.”
ME: “No, it’s gone forever. I’ll never use a phone again. No-one will text me or call me for the rest of my life.”
MARITAL UNIT: “That’s a bit mu-”
ME: “They won’t, I tell you! I shall live a lonely, phoneless life! No more for me the hedonistic delight of the text. The giddy thrill of hearing the beepity beeps! The heart-pounding excitement of wondering who it is! The dizzying lows of realising it’s another PPI scam! WOE! WOE UNTO THE MOBILE-LESS!”
MARITAL UNIT: “Have you looked everywhere?”
ME: “WWWWHHYYYY?! WHYYYYY OH CRUEL AND HATEFUL WORLD!?!”
MARITAL UNIT: “I’ll fetch the sedative”
ME: “Fuck it. I’ll buy a new phone.”
So folks, any recommendations?