Look at the state of me. Like a promiscuous bear.

People of the internet, I have been far too lenient. I have allowed you all to go about your merry little lives without incident, but no longer. Day by day, many of you do things, terrible things, which must be stopped if we…by which I mean, I…am to lead a happy life. Today we’ll deal with…

Pouty Pillock Selfies

Personally i’d like to suggest that selfie be removed from the dictionary and that those who use the word be removed from the gene pool, but I think it’s too far gone for that, so i’ll settle for removing certain types of irritating, attention seeking arsewipes from the great broiling pot of “look-at-me” self lovin’. Today’s chief offender, the “pouting pillock”.

Here’s how to take a selfie.
a) Point camera at self
b) Smile (or perhaps scowl, dependent on mood)
c) Take photograph
d) Post online
e) Hate yourself

You’ll notice that b) reads smile or scowl, not…
b) Pucker up as though you’re trying to suck a house empty through the keyhole

Look at the state of me. Like a promiscuous bear.
Look at the state of me. Like a promiscuous bear.


What is that ridiculous face all about, anyway? Years of indoctrination via the medium of school photographers and asshole relatives at lacklustre, drizzly barbecues should have taught you by now, you say cheese and let the light behind your eyes die. THAT’S how you take a photograph, with a smile at the mouth and a touch of madness in the gaze, not a look that says “HELP ME I WAS FROZEN WHILE WHISTLING!”

I will accept photographs which feature pouting under the following conditions only:

1) You are a model of some kind. They also look stupid when they pout but at least they are being paid for it.

2) You live on a diet of nothing but lemons

3) You are one of those toys which you lick and then stick to a window

4) You’re a fish

Anything else and i’ll slap the pucker right off your mug.

Speaking of mug, shut up and buy one of these.
Just shut up and fill this with coffee