Game for a laugh

Palms slick with sweat, heart racing, I gently squeeze the trigger.
My target has no idea that he is just moments away from a grizzly end.
Just a little more pressure and…the batteries die in my controller.
I manage to get a replacement pack slotted in just in time to see four members of the opposing squad rhythmically squatting over my fresh corpse.

Welcome to the world of online gaming.

I have always loved online multiplayer, from the epic RPG world of Ultima to the blood soaked battlefields of Halo and C.O.D.

But despite by great love of these games, there is much about the online gaming world which is truly irksome:

1) Chatter:

I am an X-Box 360 gamer and I have an official 360 Headset.
With this I can talk to friends and teammates when playing online, whether that be inane babble about day to day life or focused team chat and strategies to overcome the obstacles presented to us by the game in hand.

Thanks to this headset, I can also hear every American gamer who feels the burning need to ask me if I am related to Harry Potter, or whether I am currently eating crumpets.

I can, thank the lord, hear the blaring, distorted music of all who choose to sit one inch from their sound system when settling in for an evening with their console.

Truly blessed, I can hear every cry of “NO YOU NOOB THE SHOTGUN IS MINE”, “HEY! HEY! GET IN THE TANK! NO YOU ASSHOLE! GET IN THE TANK!” and “JUST QUIT YOU SUCKY..UM…SUCKER! HUR HUR HUR!”

2) Camping:

For those not in the know, camping is simply defined as staying in one place to gain a tactical advantage.
Sounds fair, I suppose, I mean, you’re in the game to win, right?

Wrong. Winning is tremendous, it’s a treat, it really is.
But surely the purpose of online gaming is to have fun?

My question is, what fun is to be had from sitting in a small room, staring at a door, hoping to kill whoever might come to said door?
The answer, none, it’s tedious as all hell.

I’ve tried it, sure I racked up a fair few kills but then I slipped into a boredom induced coma and woke up to find the game over and my shirt soaked in what I can only hope was MY drool.

Campers, pack up the tents, grow a pair and get in the game.

3) Lag

Lag is the delay between a player’s action and the games re-action.#
Simply put, if I pull the trigger and it takes a few seconds before the bullet drops out the end of my rifle, i’m going to have a bad night.

I cannot begin to describe the gut-wrenching, soul-destroying feeling of squeezing off a beatifully lined up sniper round, only to stare in bemusement as the slug slams into a wall which was, just seconds before, an opponents smug grin.

Said opponent had, of course, left hours ago but due to the lag, you’re still seeing him in his previous position.

Generally that means his CURRENT position is directly behind you with a knife in his hand and a smile on his face.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder why the hell I play these games.
Sod it, anyone for chess?