The things you see…
…when you haven’t got a gun.
That’s the saying, right?
On Wednesday, I was forced out of my cosy home into the mean streets of Taunton.
Well, maybe not mean, but certainly wet.
As I wandered the streets, buffeted about by morons every step of the way, I saw some very strange things, such as…
1. The Justin Bieber Alarm Clock
Finally, an alarm clock which you won’t feel guilty about kicking down the stairs!
In a discount shop in a back alley, which I visited to escape downpour and doofuses, I found this abomination.
An oversized alarm clock plastered with stickers from “Teen Moron” magazine.
Even the most die-hard Bieber fan could not have loved this horrible, cash-in item.
I did have some fun setting all the clocks to go off around ten past nine the following morning, mind you…
2. Personalised Rubber Ducks
Finally! Little, rubber duckys with your name on them.
You know when you’re sharing a bath with a group of strangers and you just don’t know who’s duck has gone where?
NO! OF COURSE YOU DON’T! NO-ONE BLOODY DOES!
I’m sorry but anyone who gives me a small, rubber duck with my name on for Christmas is likely to discover the joys of a mallard suppository.
3. The Great Monster Scandal
Whilst waiting for the bus (or Big Yellow Depression Tube) I saw a hilarious mix up.
Two chaps stepped off of the bus, popped open a can of Monster energy drink and sauntered off into town.
They hadn’t sauntered far, however, before being stopped by one of our brave boys in blue.
Actually, this was a brave boy in high visibility yellow, but that’s not important.
Anyways, I couldn’t hear the whole conversation but I picked up snippets and pieced this together.
PC Plod : “Excuse me chaps, you simply cannot have an open, alchoholic beverage in public”
Chap 1 : “It’s not beer, you idiot”
Chap 2 : “Quite, old bean. This is a refreshing beverage to be sure, but tis no alchoholic libation!”
PC Plod : “You rapscallions! You would lie to an officer of the law?! I shall confiscate this immediately!”
Chap 1 : “Piss off mate”
Chap 2 : “What my friend here means to say is by all means, examine the beverage”
So the officer took the can and read the label.
Then, bearing in mind he watched the lads open these cans RIGHT in front of him, he took a sniff.
What the hell was he hoping to pick up on?
How dedicated to sneaking a drink in the middle of town would you need to be, to somehow add alchohol to Monster and then re-seal the damn can!?
Anyhoo, he then handed the can back to the lads and said something like:
PC Plod : “I feel a complete nincompoop fellows, can you forgive a chap?”
Chap 1 : “What?”
Chap 2 : “Of course, old sport. T’was an easy mistake to make”
PC Plod : “You fine lads be about your day and good luck to you!”
Chap 1 : “Bwuh?!”
Chap 2 : “Good day to you”
I tell you, Taunton is the place to be, it’s just not the place to be me…