WATER! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD…

Well folks, we’ve been having a lot of fun on Twitter today, haven’t we?

We’ve been constantly bombarding the Essex Police (@essexpoliceuk) with ridiculous non-crimes, using the hashtag #policefarce

But we’ve not just been doing this for faeces and chuckles, oh no.
It’s been our light-hearted retaliation to a truly ridiculous situation.

The Essex Police have arrested a man for using Blackberry Messenge to organise…

“RIOTING”

Nope

“BURGLARY”

No

“GANGBANG”

What? NO!

No, this chap was trying to organise a waterfight.

Of course, there is more to it than that.
At least, there is probably more to it than that.
OK, there could be more to it than that.
Quite frankly, the police don’t seem to know.
So, what are we left with?

A man is arrested and will be in court to answer charges of…what?

Conspiracy To Make Wet?
Loitering With Intent To Drench?
Incitement Of Fun?

The best argument anyone can make against him is that it could be poor timing to organise any kind of mass event via social networking, given the current climate.

I don’t necessarily agree with that either, but it doesn’t matter.

Poor timing is not a crime, if it was I would have been arrested in 1997 when my mother caught me watching a pirate copy of Busty Latin Lovers just as her Wednesday book club arrived.

No, there’s only one possible explanation, given their sudden fear of water.

The police are witches.

Facebook’s solved it folks

Well, little spot of trouble in London of late, huh?

It’s incredible to sit back and watch this hell unfold, the country is literally tearing itself to pieces.

And who is to blame?

Tricky one that, no?

The root cause of the unrest, the dissillusionment that a large proportion of people in this country feel, is down to the government.

Does this mean that the government is to blame for the damage and suffering which we have seen?

No, of course not, the blame for that lies at the feet of those who committed the crimes.

I’m not one hundred percent certain where I stand on this issue, I don’t care for the way the previous government left the country, I don’t agree with the coalition’s so-called efforts to take us forward.

Does that mean that I condone rioting, arson, looting and violence?

No, unless we’re talking about a McFly concert.

It’s clearly a huge and complex issue and one that has been and will continue to be blogged about by better than me.

The reason I am assaulting your eyes, once again, with my ranty goodness, is because of Facebook.

Ok, not just Facebook, Twitter is doing it too, but Facebook really kicked things off.

What’s the problem?

Ignorance, prejudice, racism and moronic, knee-jerk idiocy.

Let’s run down a few of my favourites:

1) “IT’S ALL BLACK BUGGERS!”

For the sake of my sanity, I had to evacuate Facebook today.
Racism was the largest cause of my near meltdown.

Look folks, London has a racially diverse population, there’s every possibility that you saw an awful lot of black folk amongst the riots.
Along with the white guys, of course.

Even if every damn rioter WAS black, it’s still absolutely arse all to do with race.

Perhaps I have a simplistic view of the world, but in my eyes an asshole is an asshole, I don’t care what colour it is.

2) “JUST SHOOT ‘EM ALL”

Bravo, you complete tools.

“There’s so much violence and suffering, what ever shall we do?!”

“SHOTGUN ROUNDS TO THE FACE FOR THE NEXT PERSON THAT MOVES! THAT’LL SORT IT!”

What the expletive?

You can not seriously be calling for state sanctioned murder, despite having next to no faith in mankind, I had hoped that people were better than THIS, at least.

We have a judicial system for a reason, it may be a little broken, but it’s there and it must be used.

The rioters are wrong, what they are doing is wrong, but even I don’t believe that they should be gunned down in the streets for their crimes and this is coming from a man who believes that Justin Bieber should be tried for crimes against humanity after that Shawty Lover balls that he churned out.

3) “BNP HAVE GOT THE RIGHT BLOODY IDEA”

This is never a sentence I want to see.

The BNP have never had and will never have the right idea about anything. ANYTHING.

They are claiming that the riots are due to immigration, we’ve apparently shipped in plenty angry foreigners.

I…no. There are no words to describe the stupidity of this statement.

And this is the BNP, for the love of Floaty Beard, they blame immigration for EVERYTHING.

“Did you take the rubbish out?”

“No, missed the collection”

“Bloody immigrants that is”

“Here, you seen my lighter?”

“Nah mate, probably stolen by immigrants”

“My stomach hurts”

“Foreign food that, bloody immigrants”

“Bloody immigrants” should be their campaign slogan, why sugar coat their hateful, venomous, ridiculous message?

If anyone needs to be loaded onto a plane and ejected from this country, it’s every worthless, racist BNP member.

If said plane can drop them into the centre of an active volcano, all the better.

That was hyperbole, of course, because as I said earlier we can’t resort to violence to solve our problems, if you’re planning on being a smartass, you’ve just been shot down.

Not shot, of course…ah balls to it.

I don’t know how the country is going to recover from all this, but having Nick Griffin wandering the streets with an M16 is not the answer, is it?

Back To The Studio…

As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”

This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.

So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?

Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?

Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?

Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.

But no.

Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.

That’s it.

That’s the entire sodding story!

In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.

She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.

They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!

I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!

Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:

Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”

Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”

Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”

Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”

Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”

Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”

Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”

*tape rolls*

Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”

Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”

Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”

*back to live feed*

Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”

Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”

I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.

DIRTY! WRONG! NAUGHTY! BAD!

Read this drivel.

When you’ve stopped screaming at your monitor, answer me one question.

Is it too late to have Nadine Dorries aborted?

Yeah? Damn it.

Well something needs to be done, because I can picture sex-ed under Dorries rule…

“Now, girls, boys are bad and will definitely try to force you into sex”

“But miss, my boyfriend and I are waiting and…”

“SILENCE WHORE! As I was saying, boys WILL demand sex, but you can, no you must say no!”

“Miss, I want to have sex with my boyfriend, we feel we’re ready and we’re both 16”

“Feelings? FEELINGS?! You’re 16, you don’t know real emotion from a hole in the ground, you brazen hussy!”

“Well miss, shouldn’t you teach us what to do if we DO decide to have sex?”

“Heavens no child, no sex for you! No, let me show you how to lock your chastity belts”

She doesn’t give two hoots what you teach boys about sex, positions, methods of seduction, good places to pick up hookers, knock your socks off.

Girls, on the other hand, MUST BE MADE AWARE THAT MEN MAY AND PROBABLY WILL FORCE THEM INTO BED!

Perhaps i’m missing something, but that’s what i’m seeing here, that the male of the species is apparently little more than a walking penis, incapable of logical thought in the presence of the all important vagina.

No, Nadine, no.

Host body lost his virginity at 18, he was in a relationship, both parties were ready and they had consensual, reasonably enjoyable and only slightly awkward sex.

He didn’t force her at gunpoint, he didn’t jump her the moment she agreed to meet for drinks and he most definitely was not reduced to a salivating cock-on-legs at the sight of her.

Dorries, i’m going to leave aside the hypocrisy of hearing a husband-stealing harpy preaching about abstinence, won’t mention it once.

No, the fact that you’re on your back at the merest mention of member has absolutely nothing to do with this issue and as such, I shall refrain from including it in this blog.

Hmm, something…nah, that’s probably fine.

But I cannot and will not remain silent about the incredible stupidity of your proposed bill.

Teach children sex-education, make them aware of the risks of sex, make them aware also that it can and should be a wonderful act to be shared when the time is right.

Educate BOTH SEXES about the importance of being ready and not succumbing to pressure from partner or peers.

But turn sex into the proverbially forbidden fruit and then teach girls that men are going to badger them until they take a bite?

Moron.

Royal pain in my ass…

So, the royal wedding is almost upon us and apparently i’m supposed to care.

April 29th sees the marriage of some girl to some guy, just as it did LAST year when my host body wed a comely young maiden.

Yes, host body’s first anniversary falls on the date of the royal wedding and, asides from the UberSpecialBonusBankHoliday, it’s just going to interfere with plans.

Traffic will probably suck as moron monarchists head out to assorted parties.
Restaraunts and pubs will doubtless be packed with people watching, talking about, arguing about or whinging about the royal wedding.
Hell, i’ll be amazed if host body can get his anniversary end away without having to wrap his chap in a Union Jack.

It’s not that I hate the idea of Wills & Kate tying the Royal knot, it’s just that…I don’t care.

I truly could not give a rat’s teensy weensy ass about the royal wedding and, as such, will be doing pretty much ANYTHING other than watching the nuptial.

In fact, here are five things I would rather be doing and may in fact try on April 29th:

1) Watching paint dry:

Ok, it’s a bit of a cliche but i’m a sucker for a classic.
I’m figuring i’ll paint a massive “Balls to the happy couple” sign and see how long it takes to dry.

2) Feeding myself to the dogs:

I know what you’re thinking, being slowly eaten alive by slathering canines would be a horrendously painful way to die.
But then again, BT Vision expect me to watch several films about weddings between now and the 29th to “Get in the mood”
Pros and cons, right?

3) Reading the entire Mills & Boon back catalogue with James Blunt for background music:

Wow. That’s horrible. I…I might take another shot at the dogs.

4) Swallowing and then excreting a pineapple, whole:

I’m not entirely sure which end would struggle more, but if it takes my mind off of this wedding wossname, i’m game

5) Read Lord Of The Rings in it’s entirety, while watching all three films back to back, tweeting every difference between the two:

That’s right you swine, i’d do it too.
If I have to suffer the Royal Ridiculousness, you will fall prey to my geekly anal rententiveness!

You know what, screw it, I might knock back a couple cases of cough syrup and spend the entire weekend in sweet, narcotic oblivion.

To the happy couple…