Hobo gonna pay…

Are you cold? Hungry? No-where to go?
Well, I hope panhandling has reaped huge rewards today because the Tories are probably going to fine you.

Yup, this is the latest cattle crap spewing forth from the government and councils of this country:

Westminster Council want to introduce a new bye-law which will make it an offense, punishable by fine, to “sleep or lie down”, “deposit materials used as bedding” or “give out, or permit another to give out, food for free”.

Right, I can picture the scene:

COP: “You, you there!”


COP: “Yeah you. You gonna eat that?”

MAN WITH BURGER: “Yeah. That’s…that’s OK right?”

COP: “Oh sure, sure, it’s just…awful lot of homeless around these parts”

MAN WITH BURGER: “Riiiiight”

COP: “Better not see you handing that burger over to one of those cold, wet, hungry, homeless guys”

MAN WITH BURGER: “Noooooo, not me, I would…CATCH HOBO!”


I may have exaggerated the issue slightly but, let’s face it, the ridiculousness of my scenario is nothing compared to the idiocy of the bye-law proposition.

Pret A Manger have been distributing their unsold food to London’s homeless for years, but with this law in place they will be forced to throw this good food away.

It’s unsold, it’s not going to be sold, it’s going to the bins, why shouldn’t someone benefit from it?

As for making it an offense to “deposit materials used as bedding”, what does that even mean?

I can’t lay out a blanket for a picnic? Drop an armful of straw?
What if i’m carrying a mattress and…look, the point here is that making homelessness illegal is ridiculous.

There is no logic to this proposition, none whatsoever.

Grab yourselves a sleeping bag or an armful of sandwiches and let the revolution begin.

Just another Monday.

Ah, another Monday.

A fresh cup of coffee, the children playing happily in the background, the good wife brings me a bacon sandwich.

Well, this isn’t bad at all, even old Al could manage a non-commital grunt of possible approval at a time like this.

A quick look online to see what’s occuring in the world and…kujhgfrvjklhsgr

*Some time later*

Having replaced my coffee soaked keyboard and wiped down the monitor, I shall now address one of the most ridiculous articles I have EVER had the misfortune to clap eyes upon.

Twisted, sadistic individual I may be, but even I hesitate to ask you to read this:


There, you made it through. I’m proud of you.

So, Melanie Phillips is a little miffed that there may be more homosexual references used in exam questions.

So what?

Those two words cover my argument really.

“In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why homosexuals move from the countryside to cities.”

So what? A subset of the community choose to make particular choices when choosing a dwelling, discuss.
That sounds like a damn fine Geography lesson to me.

“In maths, they will be taught statistics through census findings about the number of homosexuals in the population.”

So what? A group within a larger group being used to illustrate statistical analysis, that makes sense, surely?

“In science, they will be directed to animal species such as emperor penguins and sea horses, where the male takes a lead role in raising its young.”

So wha…hold on.
What? WHAT?
What the hell has that got to do with anything?
I think Phillips needs a little refresher course in equations herself.

Male + Primary Care Giver = Homosexual

Does not compute.

Male + Primary Care Giver = Male Primary Care Giver.

Gay, straight or sleeping with the family cat makes no difference!
Well, the cat thing maybe but he was such a nice man.

Phillips goes on to say that:

“it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the gay rights lobby to destroy the very concept of normal sexual behaviour.”

Now, it would be easy for me to take the low road here and claim that ANY sexual activity with Melanie Phillips could be classed as abnormal, because she is clearly some kind of mutant.
Seriously, look at her picture, by Floaty Beard, that woman abuses the right to be ugly.

But I won’t do that, that would be crass.

I will ask her instead what exactly IS “normal sexual behaviour”

I’ve no doubt she would define it as the act whereby a man and a woman might potentially conceive a child.


Sorry, i’m sorry. It just…oh can you imagine?

Back on topic, um…yeah, sex and stuff, who’s to say what’s normal?

There are probably folks out there who enjoy dressing up as the characters from ‘Allo ‘Allo and banging each other senseless of a weekend, it’s unusual but who the hell am I to judge?

From her initial jump-off point of homosexual references in schools, she moves on to defend assorted other bigots.

My personal favourite is her attempt to justify the actions of B&B owners Peter and Hazelmary Bull, sued for refusing to allow a gay couple to share a bedroom in their establishment.

According to Phillips, they:

“were but the latest religious believers to fall foul of the gay inquisition merely for upholding”

Come on woman, we’re talking about a B&B where the motto seems to be:

“The customer is always right, less’un he’m one of those dirty gay folk”


I have to go and scrub my eyes with wire wool and bleach (she really is sinfully ugly) but i’ll leave you with this little equation of my own, see if you can solve it?

Melanie Phillips + Daily Mail =

I’m not getting involved.

With everything which has gone on in the news of late, I decided that I would take a step back.

There are other, better political bloggers out there to cover the news for you and Floaty Beard knows, they have enough material.

Take Nadine Dorries for example, the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire.

Now, i’m not going into it but I will ask if you saw her tweetings from earlier in the week?:

There’s this one

And this one

which she followed up with:

This one

Right, i’m just wondering, what difference does that make?
Quote or no, I can only assume you believe that pile of drivel to have posted it on Twitter?
I mean, I had an e-mail today which assured me that Cialimegapenilift was THE erectile dysfunction pill but, doubting the efficacy of their product, I DIDN’T BLOODY TWEET ABOUT IT!

But as I said, i’m not getting drawn into the political machinations of the country just now.

Mind you, what about the NHS reforms?

David Cameron and his pencil topper, Nick Clegg are slowly but surely taking this country to the cleaners.

Next step in their “Screw You Britain” plan of attack? So-called reforms of the NHS.

Don’t get me wrong, the NHS could use a little re-thinking, what major organisation couldn’t?

I’m just not so sure they are going about it the right way.

Perhaps i’ve got the wrong end of the stick but plans would seem to include pushing management tasks onto GP’s to cut down on admin staff?

Hmm…I can’t get an appointment for love nor money, which leads me to assume that my GP is either fighting crime and has no time for such paltry pursuits as the health of his patients, or is pretty busy with all the sick people.

Call me nuts, as many have before, but looking at one of the surgeries local to me, there are six doctors and, unless I am mistaken, one hundred and eighty four receptionists.
I may have fudged the figures just a little, but my first thought is not “Fire every last receptionist and let the doctors pick up the slack!” so much as “We could do with less receptionists, certainly…”

I digress, politics is not really my area, so on to the main reason for this blog which, I admit, is semi-political.

Did anyone catch Alastair Campbell on Question Time this week?

I’m not entirely sure why but, at one point, he felt the need to put on a Scottish Accent when quoting/mocking George Galloway.

I don’t mind a bit of Galloway mocking, I have, sadly, seen that cat video, but the accent Alastair?

I hear he’s joining Jon Culshaw for the new series of Impressions, you’ll forgive me if I don’t Sky+ this one…

Fail Mail

Given the attention which it has received on Twitter this morning, i’ll be amazed if any of you have yet to see Liz Jones’ (Daily Mail “journalist” extraordinaire) “recreation” of Joanna Yeates final moments.

Just in case you haven’t read it, I urge you to take an anti-nausea pill and then head to HERE
I’m sorry to have done that to you, but what follows would make little sense without it.

Never have I read such a hideous piece of tripe and this is coming from a man who has read one of Katie Price’s seventy three autobiographies (I lost
a bet, do not judge me)

It seems that Jones believes the real tragedy here is the “dreary” life that Joanna led, not the manner in which it ended.

“The bar is OK but ordinary. The wine list, chalked on a board, says ‘Lauren Perrier’.
I wish she had spent what were probably her last hours on earth somewhere lovelier.”

That’s the ticket Liz, let’s not dwell on that nasty, murder business, let’s dig into the real heart of the issue, the poor choice of vino at the local watering hole.

I would love to read Liz Jones reporting on other great tragedies from history:

“What? What happened? I was shopping. Isn’t this coat divine?” Liz Jones on 9/11

“As I float downstream on the corpse of a local woman, I can only hope that my iPhone dries out” Liz Jones on the current Australian floods

“And here’s me without a marshmallow.” Liz Jones on the Great Fire of London

“When living in such terrible conditions, one can only assume that death comes as a release. And that is why I don’t support charity” Liz Jones on the plight of third world nations.

I look forward to her next article with great anticipation and a bottle of sleeping pills.