So, the royal wedding is almost upon us and apparently i’m supposed to care.

April 29th sees the marriage of some girl to some guy, just as it did LAST year when my host body wed a comely young maiden.

Yes, host body’s first anniversary falls on the date of the royal wedding and, asides from the UberSpecialBonusBankHoliday, it’s just going to interfere with plans.

Traffic will probably suck as moron monarchists head out to assorted parties.
Restaraunts and pubs will doubtless be packed with people watching, talking about, arguing about or whinging about the royal wedding.
Hell, i’ll be amazed if host body can get his anniversary end away without having to wrap his chap in a Union Jack.

It’s not that I hate the idea of Wills & Kate tying the Royal knot, it’s just that…I don’t care.

I truly could not give a rat’s teensy weensy ass about the royal wedding and, as such, will be doing pretty much ANYTHING other than watching the nuptial.

In fact, here are five things I would rather be doing and may in fact try on April 29th:

1) Watching paint dry:

Ok, it’s a bit of a cliche but i’m a sucker for a classic.
I’m figuring i’ll paint a massive “Balls to the happy couple” sign and see how long it takes to dry.

2) Feeding myself to the dogs:

I know what you’re thinking, being slowly eaten alive by slathering canines would be a horrendously painful way to die.
But then again, BT Vision expect me to watch several films about weddings between now and the 29th to “Get in the mood”
Pros and cons, right?

3) Reading the entire Mills & Boon back catalogue with James Blunt for background music:

Wow. That’s horrible. I…I might take another shot at the dogs.

4) Swallowing and then excreting a pineapple, whole:

I’m not entirely sure which end would struggle more, but if it takes my mind off of this wedding wossname, i’m game

5) Read Lord Of The Rings in it’s entirety, while watching all three films back to back, tweeting every difference between the two:

That’s right you swine, i’d do it too.
If I have to suffer the Royal Ridiculousness, you will fall prey to my geekly anal rententiveness!

You know what, screw it, I might knock back a couple cases of cough syrup and spend the entire weekend in sweet, narcotic oblivion.

To the happy couple…