Bad Santa
You’ll be amazed to hear that I love Christmas. Honestly.
Good food, gifts, people generally being nicer to each other, what’s not to like?
Well, plenty, as it happens.
You see, I love the idea of Christmas but find that, often times, the reality fails to match up to the ideal.
So, if you will forgive me a terrible pun, in the run-up to Christmas I will be
presenting you with “10 Things I Hate About Yule” (Clever, right?)
Coming in at ten, it’s the ever hated…

10. Christmas Lights

Oh don’t worry, i’m not complaining about folks decorating their houses with string after string of gaudy, flickering, seizure-inducing chaser lights.
It’s ME having to string up the lights which I object to.
Who in Lucifer’s name invented the Incredible Self Tangling Wire (TM) which these things are made out of?
Last year, I coiled my lights very carefully, placed them in a box, sealed the box, placed it in the loft, locked the loft and barricaded the area.
No-one came in, no-one came out, I know damn well that no-one could have gotten to those lights.
This year, when I retrieved the lights, they had coiled themselves into something resembling the Gordian knot and I found the bodies of three mice in the box, clearly strangled to death.
Of course, when I finally managed to untangle the lights, they didn’t work anyway.
I replaced every single bulb, three times over, to no avail.
I checked the fuse, all was well there.
Finally, I shook them angrily, turned them on and off several times, blew the fuses in the house, cursed Christmas and all who revelled in it, replaced the fuses, turned the power back on and lo, Al said “Let there be light” and there was, 40 tiny twinkling bulbs.

Next year, i’m going back to the traditional candles and if the house burns to the ground, sod it.

Tune in for our next exciting episode, number 9!

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