An open letter to an unknown party…

Dear disease-ridden penis boil.

Today, the crippled putz (or Host Body) had to drag himself into Taunton Job Centre to sit down and talk to a lovely woman about this website and his merchandising income.

This was not, as he had been given to understand, a routine appointment.

No, they wanted to discuss a call which had come in from the Benefit Fraud Hotline.

And why has he been reported?

For running this website, of course.

Yes, you goat-pleasuring son of a rancid buttock, your call worked and he was called in to explain himself.

Oh bugger, claiming benefits while earning a few quid online, he’s in trouble now right?


You want to know why?

Because Host Body is not a moron and i’m a freaking genius.

You’ll never guess what we did.

We told the Job Centre about the website, quite some time ago.

We explained the merchandising side of things, making sure to explain the most important points, which are:

1) Until we build a very, VERY large following online, we’re not really going to make any money from merchandise.

2) The merchandise which IS online now, awesome as it may be (because I designed it), is more a trial run of the merchandising potential than the full range which we’d like to have available in the future.

3) We’ve made $7.53 thus far

4) We don’t expect to make a lot more, yet.

That’s right, we told the Job Centre, we went through all the details, they referred us to a small business advisor who thinks there’s some definite money in slogan merchandise but we haven’t the following yet.

So, Host Body has easily circumnavigated the shit pile which you have tried to land him in and hobbled on about his business.

He’s happy to let this slide, not a vengeful man our Jim.

I am though.

I’m not the Happy Little Voice In His Head.

Not the Chirpy Voice.

Certainly not the Forgiving Voice.

I’m the Angry Voice and I shall have vengeance.

To quote another vengeful spirit and dear friend of mine, @BlamelessNinja, “Run fast, run far, I will find you”


Read this drivel.

When you’ve stopped screaming at your monitor, answer me one question.

Is it too late to have Nadine Dorries aborted?

Yeah? Damn it.

Well something needs to be done, because I can picture sex-ed under Dorries rule…

“Now, girls, boys are bad and will definitely try to force you into sex”

“But miss, my boyfriend and I are waiting and…”

“SILENCE WHORE! As I was saying, boys WILL demand sex, but you can, no you must say no!”

“Miss, I want to have sex with my boyfriend, we feel we’re ready and we’re both 16”

“Feelings? FEELINGS?! You’re 16, you don’t know real emotion from a hole in the ground, you brazen hussy!”

“Well miss, shouldn’t you teach us what to do if we DO decide to have sex?”

“Heavens no child, no sex for you! No, let me show you how to lock your chastity belts”

She doesn’t give two hoots what you teach boys about sex, positions, methods of seduction, good places to pick up hookers, knock your socks off.


Perhaps i’m missing something, but that’s what i’m seeing here, that the male of the species is apparently little more than a walking penis, incapable of logical thought in the presence of the all important vagina.

No, Nadine, no.

Host body lost his virginity at 18, he was in a relationship, both parties were ready and they had consensual, reasonably enjoyable and only slightly awkward sex.

He didn’t force her at gunpoint, he didn’t jump her the moment she agreed to meet for drinks and he most definitely was not reduced to a salivating cock-on-legs at the sight of her.

Dorries, i’m going to leave aside the hypocrisy of hearing a husband-stealing harpy preaching about abstinence, won’t mention it once.

No, the fact that you’re on your back at the merest mention of member has absolutely nothing to do with this issue and as such, I shall refrain from including it in this blog.

Hmm, something…nah, that’s probably fine.

But I cannot and will not remain silent about the incredible stupidity of your proposed bill.

Teach children sex-education, make them aware of the risks of sex, make them aware also that it can and should be a wonderful act to be shared when the time is right.

Educate BOTH SEXES about the importance of being ready and not succumbing to pressure from partner or peers.

But turn sex into the proverbially forbidden fruit and then teach girls that men are going to badger them until they take a bite?