Armageddon And On And On And On

The world ended today. You might have missed it. You were probably at work or hanging out the washing or masturbating to images of George Osborne dressed as Sailor Moo-

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Sorry about that, I had to vomit for several hours. Seriously, after that mental image I actually wish the world would end.

It won’t though.  Please don’t misunderstand me, the sun will eventually explode and flash fry the entire globe, which will destroy the machine army which had wiped out the human race centuries before, but it’s not happening just yet.

You look a little confused. Yes, I am watching you through a camera, move on with your life. Anyway, confusion, sorry, let me explain. First, take a look at this piece by the Independent. Go on, i’ll keep myself amused while you read.

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That’s right, they’re at it again. In case you didn’t read the article and skipped ahead (understandable, i’m much more entertaining than the Independent) i’ll give you the shit-homework-is-due-today version.

Do you remember Harold Camping? He was the Christian radio host who predicted the end of the world back in 2011. Now , no-one was more shit-in-my-shoes shocked than I was when the Earth completely failed to explode on the predicted date. Thankfully, it turned out that Camping wasn’t completely wrong, he’d just missed a memo somewhere along the line.

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Cue Chris McCann, another Christian radio host.  I can only assume that the interview for that particular position goes something like…

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

INTERVIEWEE 1: “Gee, I don’t know. Science predicts cert-“

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “NEXT!”

*One out, one in*

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “So, when’s the world going to end?”

McCANN: “Soon! And with lots of fire and angels and shit!”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Can you press ‘Play’ on the gramophoneeolamatron?”

McCANN: “…not sure, chief”

CHIEF RADIO GUY: “Close enough, welcome aboard”

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So, McCann explains that Camping’s predicted date is the beginning of 1600 days of something or other and blah blah wossname, today is the day. Sorry but if he’s right, I need to wrap this up before midnight if I want to go out with even a few blog views.

Seems unlikely though. Nothing’s happened yet. The world doesn’t appear to even be smoldering, let alone wreathed in the flames of God’s wrath. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one.

Almost makes you wonder if he’s just made this claim for fifteen minutes of fame. I mean, the whole internet is…talking about…him…

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I PREDICT THAT THE WORLD WILL END ON JANUARY 19th 2022!

THE SKY SHALL OPEN AND 101 ANGELS SHALL POUR FORTH, POSSIBLY RIDING DALMATIANS! TERRIBLE SHALL BE THEIR CRIES OF RAGE, NOT TO MENTION THE BARKING AND RAIN OF DOG SHIT!

THESE HEAVENLY HORDES SHALL LAY WASTE TO THE LANDS, DRIVING THE WICKED TO HELL WITH THEIR FIERY SWORDS AND DIRECTING THE RIGHTEOUS TOWARDS THE STAIRS! ELEVATORS WILL BE PROVIDED FOR THOSE WITH MOBILITY ISSUES!

WHEN ALL MANKIND IS GONE, THE FINAL ANGEL SHALL UTTER THE WORDS “ZERO! ZERO! ZERO! DESTRUCT! ZERO!” AND ALL SHALL BE DARKNESS!

That should be good for a couple thousand hits and around sixty thousand dollars in donations to the Church of St I Don’t Know Of The Holy Arseholes To I, I Could Use A New Car.

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