You won what? How?!

Those of you who follow my Twitter feed may have noticed my occasional plea for votes in the Shorty Awards.
Sure, I didn’t make a big deal of it, some of you may not have even known, but I was nominated and, if I was capable of positive emotions, I would have been thrilled.

Would you like to know what doesn’t thrill me?

Being beaten in the Shorty’s by Louis Tomlinson.

Don’t know who he is? No, probably not, because people who read this blog tend to be rather intelligent and enjoy actual entertainment as opposed to the shash which takes up 90% of broadcast time in this country.

Louis Tomlinson is a member of the band One Direction, a band which came third in the 2010 series of The X-Factor.

Now, there is a #music category in the Shorty Awards and despite the fact that the horrendous, shrieking noise which issues forth from the mouths of Tomlinson and his fellow brain donors CANNOT be classed as music…and breathe…I accept that this is my opinion and their fans have every right to vote for them within this category.

However, I did snatch a tweet from amongst the slathering hordes which clearly stated the intentions of the fans.

It would appear that, irrespective of any actual elligibility for the categories, the fans are determined to get the assorted members of One Direction to the top of every table, if at all possible.

Which is why I find myself trailing behind a man whose comedy gems include this, this and, Jesus Christ, this.

Seriously people? You want THIS to win a HUMOUR award?!

Dara O’ Briain beating me? Fair bloody play.
Stephen Fry? I would have it no other way.
This walking puddle of pizzle? That’s a kick square in the comedy nethers!

The worst part, that’s not even the main issue here tonight…

The thing is, i’d planned a little diatribe about this subject anyway, but the National Television Awards are happening even as I spew this bile forth into the word processor.

As it turns out, the ass-hats who have scuppered my hopes of an award have taken it too far now.

“QI” and “Mock The Week”, for my money two of the finest, funniest television shows now or ever, have lost out in the Best Entertainment category to “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.”

Mmmm. Hmmm.

“I’m A Name You Might Remember, Get Me Exposure” has pipped actual entertainment to the post and I am baffled as to why?

I realise the government are currently reforming the NHS but I didn’t realise their first move was free lobotomies for all?

I might pitch an idea for a show to ITV, titled “Celebrities In Beige”

Constant, 24 hour coverage of a group of celebrities in a small, beige room, not speaking, not moving, just being there and being beige.

Personally, I think i’m on to a winner.

The Shorty Interview

Well, you may or may not have noticed that I have been nominated for a Shorty Award in the category of humour. (Vote button to the right)

As part of this, the Shorty site asks you a series of questions, “The Shorty Interview”

I thought i’d post my answers below. Oh, and vote for me. Cannot stress that enough. Hate to have to beat you. Might anyway.

Why’d you start tweeting?

Well all the cool kids were doing it and I know it’s bad for you but I SO wanted to fit in…

What’s your best tweet?

‘You know any member of the biological family, “felidae”. Including the sub family “felinae” and, more specifically, “Felis catus”? Cat.’

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?

In my what?!

What’s your favorite Twitter app?

Hootsuite, tis most useful, tis.

Twitter or Facebook?

For short, sweet, witty commentary and the meeting of fine folks, Twitter. If I want pictures of people I don’t give a crap about, Facebook.

What was the funniest trend you’ve seen?

Those plastic bangles all the kids were wearing, little morons. Oh, you mean on Twitter? Um, #BovineFilms was fun…

What feature should Twitter add?

Electrical feedback loop through Kenneth Tong’s keyboard. He tweets and ZAP! Coma.

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn’t?

Satan. He’s the very devil to get hold of. Oh, devil to…HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?

Stabbedy stabbedy stab stab stab.

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn’t already? If so, who?

I would quite like Justin Bieber to follow me, I think he’d be ever so pleased with my opinions of him. Y’know, smiley and stuff.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?

Lots of people. Either because they turned out to be bots, morons or McFly fans.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?

How about “Justin Bieber killed in freak falling mountain accident”?

What’s the most interesting connection you’ve made through Twitter?

By dint of pure cheek i’ve had various celebs reply to my inane drivelling. That aside, i’ve met some genuinely delightful folk.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?


How do you make your tweets unique?

I copy them from other people who are unique.

What inspires you to tweet?

Blind, seething hatred of people and the things they say and do.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?

Yes. Ironically, whilst campaigning for this award. So, when you think about it, this is all your fault. Damn you.

140 characters of advice for a new user?

What? Exactly 140 characters? Christ, that’s a tall order to fill. Hmm, let me have a think. Well, I guess the most important thing is NEVER…

How long can you go without a tweet?

No time to answer. Tweeting.

What question are we not asking here that we should?

“How can you mend a broken heart”, no-one ever answered Al Green. We need to know damn it!

What are six things you could never do without?

Heart, brain, liver, left lung, right lung and my signed copy of Pink Floyd “Dark Side Of The Moon”.

How do you imagine Twitter changing?

For the better! But then I wake up to find it was all just a beautiful dream and Kerry Katona is trending.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?

Stephen Fry. He’s connected with his many, many fans and incredibly genuine. And Bob Awesome. Man is just awesome. And Bob.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?

Most definitely @bob_awesome

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?

That you can use “KTHXBAI” and not take a bullet to the temple.

Why should people follow you?

To see where i’m going?

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?

Every account is one of a kind, they’re Tweeple, not sheep. Except the Beliebers, ‘ware the Clone Army…

How do you decide what to tweet?

Place fingers on buttons. Spew bile. Stop typing.

What are some big Twitter faux pas?

Signing in as “Kerry Katona”. Big no-no in my book.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?

Definitely. Before Twitter, I had to leave the house to follow and abuse people.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?

Shut the hell up, maybe?

How will the world change in the next year?

According to the Mayans it will end. Sorry, typo. Swap Mayans for morons.

What will the world be like 10 years from now?


Why should we vote for you?

If you don’t, I will beat you with objects from around my house. Heavy ones mostly, lighter objects when my arms tire.

And, in case I hadn’t mentioned…VOTE FOR ME!