Not everyone is funny.

Let’s just lay that out, right now.

I know everyone THINKS they have a great sense of humour, but the truth is that some people are about as chucklesome as invasive bowel surgery.

My question is, why do I always meet these comedy-sapping morons whenever I leave the house?

The worst part, I think it’s really the same few morons using a series of cunning disguises…

#1 – The Punchline Guy

You’ve met him, everybody has met this joke-murdering son of a bitch at some point.

A conversation with The Punchline Guy usually goes like this:

PG : “Hey pal, how’s it going?”

AV : “Aw crap, not yo…I mean, yeah hi, how’re you?”

PG : “Pretty good. Heard a great joke the other day!”

AV : “Fantastic, why not keep it to yourself?”

PG : “Yeah, so…now how did it start?”

AV : “I will kill you, you know this”

PG : “Yeah, there’s three…no, two…”

AV : “I’m leaving”

PG : “Well anyway, the punchline is ‘Sure, with a bucket of chicken’ HUR HUR HUR HUR classic. Hey, where’d he go?”

Setup. Punchline. It’s a formula even Doofenshmirtz (What? It’s a Phineas & Ferb reference. Look it up) couldn’t screw up.

#2 – Racial Slur Guy

I hate this guy.

I really hate this guy.

RSG : “Hey buddy, want to hear a joke?”

AV : “No, i’d sooner be buggered to death by a minotaur”

RSG : “Right”

Racial Slur Guy will then look over his shoulder, checking to make sure that the room contains no members of the ethnic group he is about to crudely mock.

At this point, Racial Slur Guy usually takes a boot to the teeth and I go about my day.

If he’s busy for any reason, you can be assured that his cousin, Homophobic Bill will be knocking about somewhere

#3 – Mr PG

This is the worst.

Racial Slur Guy is a god-awful piece of bigoted sputum and Punchline Guy would lose a battle of wits with his own shoes but this guy…he actually means well.

Seriously, that’s what makes him so ball-witheringly awful.

A man who believes that BUM is a word unfit for the ears of women and children and who has used the phrase “Pardon My French” so often that I might buy him a sodding beret. (Thanks to Racial Slur Guy for that little gem)

As Statler & Waldorf (Yes. A Muppets reference. I’m catching a lot of kid’s TV lately) once said, “Leave the comedy to the bears and the psycopathic, non-corporeal entities”

I may be paraphrasing, but you get the point.

One more “Knock Knock” joke and i’ll knock knock him the hell out and take one of his kidneys as a warning.