Having grown weary of the Host Body’s usual beans/spaghetti/ravioli/butter on toast, I decided that tonight I would seize control and prepare the evening meal.
At a dinner party with Sata…a certain individual, some time ago, I developed a fondness for Chicken & Vegetable Lasagna, so I decided to give it a go.
So, follow these simple steps and in no time at all you’ll be sinking your teeth into a truly sumptuous repast.
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Ingredients:
Some mushrooms
Couple of onions
Peppers (assorted colours)
Tomatoes, one tin of
Chicken breasts, two or three or whatever
Dried lasagne sheets or the ability to make fresh lasagne sheets
Jar of lasagne sauce (Red)
Jar of lasagne sauce (White)
Implements:
Every pot, pan, dish, bowl, spoon, spatula, knife and tin-opener that you can lay hands on
Method:
1 ) Chop the onions into a large saucepan
2 ) Chop the mushrooms into the same saucepan
3 ) Start chopping the peppers
4 ) Get told off by your Significant Other for using peppers which are clearly well past their use by date
5 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other
6 ) Storm out of the house
7 ) Return with apology chocolates and fresh peppers
8 ) Chop peppers into the large saucepan
9 ) Empty tin of tomatoes onto the worktop
10 ) Swear loudly
11 ) Scoop tomatoes from worktop, into bowl
12 ) Prepare to pour tomatoes into saucepan
13 ) Get told off by Significant Other, who can clearly see the pieces of onion skin, crumbs and assorted detritus which is now mixed in with the tomatoes
14 ) Have second row with Significant Other
15 ) Watch as Significant Other storms out of the house
16 ) Apologise when Significant Other returns with fresh tin of tomatoes and pointed expression
17 ) Empty tin of tomatoes into saucepan
18 ) Turn hob to highest heat
19 ) Keep quiet as Significant Other turns it down a couple of notches
20 ) Crush six cloves of garlic and drop into saucepan
21 ) When Significant Other asks, swear that you only put in one clove
22 ) Begin dicing chicken breast
23 ) Slip with knife, stab self in hand.
24 ) Pull knife from hand, screaming in agony
25 ) Resist urge to stab Significant Other when they say “Don’t think you wanted to do that, did you?”
26 ) Wrap teatowel around hand and begin scooping bloodied chicken into a bowl
27 ) Realise this is bloody stupid even for you, throw the chicken in the bin
28 ) Hunt through freezer for chicken
29 ) Realise that the chicken wouldn’t defrost in time, even if you found any
30 ) Go to nearest shop and buy more chicken, pre-diced
31 ) Fry pre-diced chicken
32 ) Burn pre-diced chicken
33 ) Burn previously diced hand, trying to remove pan of burning chicken from the hob
34 ) Drop pan on foot
35 ) Burn foot
36 ) Jump around on one foot, put one hand on worktop to steady yourself
37 ) Realise that you have actually put your hand on the hob
38 ) Burn hand
39 ) Scream with rage, fling pan at wall, kick oven, punch through cupboard, storm out of kitchen
40 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other
41 ) Apologise and return to kitchen to clear up mess
42 ) Find kitchen on fire
43 ) Call fire brigade
44 ) Get told off by Significant Other for over-reacting
45 ) Watch sheepishly as she throws wet teacloth over what is, in actual fact, a small flame
46 ) Apologise to fire brigade
47 ) Take Significant Other out to dinner
And there you have it!
Obviously, if you are single you’ll need to berate and/or slap yourself wherever you find the words “Significant Other”.
Either way, you’ve got the perfect excuse for a night out, possibly after a trip to casualty.
Bon appetit.
