Just shut up and fill this with coffee

Having grown weary of the Host Body’s usual beans/spaghetti/ravioli/butter on toast, I decided that tonight I would seize control and prepare the evening meal.

At a dinner party with Sata…a certain individual, some time ago, I developed a fondness for Chicken & Vegetable Lasagna, so I decided to give it a go.

So, follow these simple steps and in no time at all you’ll be sinking your teeth into a truly sumptuous repast.


Some mushrooms
Couple of onions
Peppers (assorted colours)
Tomatoes, one tin of
Chicken breasts, two or three or whatever
Dried lasagne sheets or the ability to make fresh lasagne sheets
Jar of lasagne sauce (Red)
Jar of lasagne sauce (White)


Every pot, pan, dish, bowl, spoon, spatula, knife and tin-opener that you can lay hands on


1 ) Chop the onions into a large saucepan

2 ) Chop the mushrooms into the same saucepan

3 ) Start chopping the peppers

4 ) Get told off by your Significant Other for using peppers which are clearly well past their use by date

5 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other

6 ) Storm out of the house

7 ) Return with apology chocolates and fresh peppers

8 ) Chop peppers into the large saucepan

9 ) Empty tin of tomatoes onto the worktop

10 ) Swear loudly

11 ) Scoop tomatoes from worktop, into bowl

12 ) Prepare to pour tomatoes into saucepan

13 ) Get told off by Significant Other, who can clearly see the pieces of onion skin, crumbs and assorted detritus which is now mixed in with the tomatoes

14 ) Have second row with Significant Other

15 ) Watch as Significant Other storms out of the house

16 ) Apologise when Significant Other returns with fresh tin of tomatoes and pointed expression

17 ) Empty tin of tomatoes into saucepan

18 ) Turn hob to highest heat

19 ) Keep quiet as Significant Other turns it down a couple of notches

20 ) Crush six cloves of garlic and drop into saucepan

21 ) When Significant Other asks, swear that you only put in one clove

22 ) Begin dicing chicken breast

23 ) Slip with knife, stab self in hand.

24 ) Pull knife from hand, screaming in agony

25 ) Resist urge to stab Significant Other when they say “Don’t think you wanted to do that, did you?”

26 ) Wrap teatowel around hand and begin scooping bloodied chicken into a bowl

27 ) Realise this is bloody stupid even for you, throw the chicken in the bin

28 ) Hunt through freezer for chicken

29 ) Realise that the chicken wouldn’t defrost in time, even if you found any

30 ) Go to nearest shop and buy more chicken, pre-diced

31 ) Fry pre-diced chicken

32 ) Burn pre-diced chicken

33 ) Burn previously diced hand, trying to remove pan of burning chicken from the hob

34 ) Drop pan on foot

35 ) Burn foot

36 ) Jump around on one foot, put one hand on worktop to steady yourself

37 ) Realise that you have actually put your hand on the hob

38 ) Burn hand

39 ) Scream with rage, fling pan at wall, kick oven, punch through cupboard, storm out of kitchen

40 ) Have blazing row with Significant Other

41 ) Apologise and return to kitchen to clear up mess

42 ) Find kitchen on fire

43 ) Call fire brigade

44 ) Get told off by Significant Other for over-reacting

45 ) Watch sheepishly as she throws wet teacloth over what is, in actual fact, a small flame

46 ) Apologise to fire brigade

47 ) Take Significant Other out to dinner

And there you have it!

Obviously, if you are single you’ll need to berate and/or slap yourself wherever you find the words “Significant Other”.

Either way, you’ve got the perfect excuse for a night out, possibly after a trip to casualty.

Bon appetit.

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