It’s no secret that I enjoy the occasional caffeinated beverage. Actually, that’s not true. It would be more honest to say that I exist purely on a diet of caffeine, rage and the occasional Wispa. Either way, I am a big fan of the delightful, tooth-melting concoction that is Coca-Cola.

It’s also no secret that I loathe the human race. So imagine my dismay when I discovered the nefarious plot, launched by the Coca-Cola company, intended to make me… *spits* …mingle…with others. Having voiced my dismay over the “Share a Coke with…” campaign via the medium of Twitter, I was inspired by long time friend and total git, Silver_Rayven, to contact the Coca-Cola company and make my feelings known. I sent them this email…

Dear Mr Coca and/or Mrs Cola.

I am a massive fan of your product. Well, one of your products. I have never drank Diet Coke as I am given to understand by your informative television programming that it is only for women who are dedicated to stalking shirtless bodybuilders, but Coca-Cola is my favourite beverage/cleaner of copper coins and I consume, in all honestly, more than is most likely good for me.

Imagine my horror, therefore, when your recent promotional campaign demanded that I share this delicious beverage with other people! I try to avoid other people wherever possible, interacting with the purely on an “if-I-absolutely-MUST” basis. Now, sadly, I must mingle with the wretched species daily! Couple that with the reduction of my daily Coca-Cola intake as these buggers pinch half of it and I must say i’m utterly appalled and that’s not the worst of it!

Two days ago, my bottle demanded that I share with family. This WAS a 1.75 litre bottle, but I have a very large family. Once divided equally, we each had approximately 2 teaspoons of Coke. Of course, some of the family didn’t like Coke but I forced them to drink. It turned out that cousin Emily was actually allergic but i’m assured that the swelling will eventually go down and i’m sure that everyone understands I was just doing what the bottle told me.

The final straw came yesterday. I bought a bottle of Coke from the local shop, the last they had on the shelf. It said “Share A Coke With…Bethany”. I don’t know anyone called Bethany! After making sure there wasn’t a John or a Steve lurking behind the diet bottles, I ran around the streets for three hours, grabbing passing women and screaming “ARE YOU BETHANY? I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!” into their faces. I was arrested and had a devil of a time explaining my situation to the police officers involved. Ultimately, I was released with a warning and having had my “Bethany bottle” confiscated. I purchased a replacement which demanded that I share with Michael, which happened to be the name of the nice officer who was escorting me home, so thank heaven for small mercies.

Something must be done to stop these terrible problems in the future! I must ask that you change the wording to “Share a Coke with…[NAME] (But only if you want to. You don’t have to share it if you’d rather not. After all, you paid for the Coke, not them.)”. That way, my fellow, sociopathic Coke drinkers will not feel pressured into doling out sips of their hard-earned refreshment.

If you absolutely insist on continuing in this campaign, you could at least offer some alternatives. You have the vague “Family” and “Friends” options, why not some of these…

“Share A Coke With…Reluctance”

“Share A Coke With…No Bugger”

“Share A Coke With…A Resigned Look And A Sigh”

“Share A Coke With…Yo Momma”

I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Yours in despair,
Al Vimh

I can’t wait to hear what they say.

EDIT: 06/06/2013

I don’t have to wait because floaty beard love ’em, they’ve written back.

Dear Al Vimh,

Thank you for contacting us once again. (I assume they’re referring to my Coke Zone points fiasco)

We were sorry to learn of your disappointment with our Share a Coke campaign.

Our Share a Coke campaign is intended to be fun and playful and to encourage people to get involved with it. To start the campaign, we replaced our iconic Coca-Cola logo on some of our bottles with 150 of the most popular names in Great Britain.

However we do appreciate your comments; they have been shared with our marketing team.

Kind regards,

Consumer Information Centre
Coca-Cola Great Britain

Incredibly polite but I can’t help but feel that they’re not entering into the spirit of the thing…