Letter Of Resignation

As resignations seem to be the theme of the day…
Dear Humanity,  It is with a heavy heart that I am writing to you to resign from the human race.

Dear Humanity

It is with a heavy heart that I am writing to you to resign from the human race.

As humanity is day by day proving itself to be a an unending shower of bastards, I have decided to stand alone under my banner of non-corporeal, malevolent entity. The fleshbag that currently acts as Host Body is inconsequential as he belongs to a race which doesn’t deserve the ball of miracles on which it resides.

You’ve done some good things, humans. Medical advances, moments of dazzlingly beautiful love and acceptance, cake. None of it changes the fact that day by day you sadden me with your constant attempts to destroy yourselves.

You rail against one another because of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation. You invented the concept of time and then waste that time on hatred. You broadcast I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Seriously, you send a bunch of Z-listers to a jungle and watch them eat scorpions and wipe their arse with poison ivy and call it entertainment. It’s a shame the dinosaurs didn’t last longer because most of you could do with a bloody good devouring.

This morning, I skipped through countless images of captured tweets and Facebook statuses, all of them recounting truly horrible stories of racist attacks on the streets of the United Kingdom (a name dripping with irony), all undeniably linked to the recent Brexit vote.

The entire Brexit situation is a point against the human race anyway, given the constant showers of shit from both sides of the argument, not to mention the fact that the word Brexit sounds like a shitty breakfast biscuit bar.

It doesn’t matter whether you voted Leave or Remain. Not at this particular moment in time. What matters is that we took what should have been a simple, democratic process and turned it into a slanging match. Not all Leave voters are racists. Of course they’re not. Sadly, the success of the Leave vote has given the racists a confidence boost. 

It’s all fucked and I want no part of it, so i’m stepping down. No more humaning for me.

Yours, angrily
Al. X


I Failed The British Citizenship Test

Do you have a spare five minutes?
I’ll take that “Not now” as a yes.

Go here (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/blog/quiz/2011/oct/11/uk-citizenship-test-quiz)

How did you do?

I failed the test, scoring 13 out of 24.

I now have insufficient knowledge of my country of birth to remain and must be shipped immediately to deepest, darkest Peru, to shack up with Paddington’s aunt.

These questions are laughable, let’s take a look at some of my favourites:

Question 2 – How many parliamentary constituencies are there?

1. 464
2. 564
3. 646
4. 664

I hazarded a guess at 564.
The correct answer, as any school child could surely tell you, is 646.
I recently had to check which constituency I am in, why the bloody hell would I know the other 645?

Question 9 – The number of children and young people up to the age of 19 in the UK is:

1. 13 million
2. 14 million
3. 15 million
4. 16 million

Right, hold on a tick.
1, 2, 3, 4…oh bugger I lost count when little Timmy moved.
1, 2, 3…stop squirming Jeremy! Damn it!
The correct answer was 15 million.
I guessed 14 million so I expect half a point for being close.

Question 23 – How might you stop young people playing tricks on you at Halloween?

1. Call the police
2. Give them some money
3. Give them sweets or chocolate
4. Hide from them

What in the name of Satan’s downy arse hair is this all about?!
Needless to say, I would have answered “5 – Shoot them where they stand” if given the option.
But as that was lacking, I managed to scrape a tick for this one with that sweets and chocolate nonsense.

This is the test we use to determine whether or not someone is allowed to remain in this country and obtain a British passport?

I’ve been given a sneak peek at (entirely invented) some questions which are being added to the test in the near future…

Question 1 : What was the number one single on July 19th, 1976?

Question 2 : Which of these WAS one of the seven dwarfs?

1) Stabby
2) Doc
3) Gropey
4) Leery

Question 3 : What colour underwear is the Queen wearing right now?

Question 4 : What is the speed of disappointment?

Question 5 : What?

Well, I can’t hang around here chatting to you folks.
I failed and must leave the country immediately.
Of course, I can’t book a flight because I don’t have a passport…


I’m not getting involved.

With everything which has gone on in the news of late, I decided that I would take a step back.

There are other, better political bloggers out there to cover the news for you and Floaty Beard knows, they have enough material.

Take Nadine Dorries for example, the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire.

Now, i’m not going into it but I will ask if you saw her tweetings from earlier in the week?:

There’s this one

And this one

which she followed up with:

This one

Right, i’m just wondering, what difference does that make?
Quote or no, I can only assume you believe that pile of drivel to have posted it on Twitter?
I mean, I had an e-mail today which assured me that Cialimegapenilift was THE erectile dysfunction pill but, doubting the efficacy of their product, I DIDN’T BLOODY TWEET ABOUT IT!

But as I said, i’m not getting drawn into the political machinations of the country just now.

Mind you, what about the NHS reforms?

David Cameron and his pencil topper, Nick Clegg are slowly but surely taking this country to the cleaners.

Next step in their “Screw You Britain” plan of attack? So-called reforms of the NHS.

Don’t get me wrong, the NHS could use a little re-thinking, what major organisation couldn’t?

I’m just not so sure they are going about it the right way.

Perhaps i’ve got the wrong end of the stick but plans would seem to include pushing management tasks onto GP’s to cut down on admin staff?

Hmm…I can’t get an appointment for love nor money, which leads me to assume that my GP is either fighting crime and has no time for such paltry pursuits as the health of his patients, or is pretty busy with all the sick people.

Call me nuts, as many have before, but looking at one of the surgeries local to me, there are six doctors and, unless I am mistaken, one hundred and eighty four receptionists.
I may have fudged the figures just a little, but my first thought is not “Fire every last receptionist and let the doctors pick up the slack!” so much as “We could do with less receptionists, certainly…”

I digress, politics is not really my area, so on to the main reason for this blog which, I admit, is semi-political.

Did anyone catch Alastair Campbell on Question Time this week?

I’m not entirely sure why but, at one point, he felt the need to put on a Scottish Accent when quoting/mocking George Galloway.

I don’t mind a bit of Galloway mocking, I have, sadly, seen that cat video, but the accent Alastair?

I hear he’s joining Jon Culshaw for the new series of Impressions, you’ll forgive me if I don’t Sky+ this one…