Tag Archives: Twitter

Back To The Studio…

As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”

This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.

So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?

Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?

Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?

Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.

But no.

Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.

That’s it.

That’s the entire sodding story!

In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.

She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.

They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!

I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!

Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:

Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”

Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”

Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”

Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”

Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”

Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”

Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”

*tape rolls*

Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”

Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”

Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”

*back to live feed*

Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”

Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”

I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.

I’m not getting involved.

With everything which has gone on in the news of late, I decided that I would take a step back.

There are other, better political bloggers out there to cover the news for you and Floaty Beard knows, they have enough material.

Take Nadine Dorries for example, the Conservative MP for Mid-Bedfordshire.

Now, i’m not going into it but I will ask if you saw her tweetings from earlier in the week?:

There’s this one

And this one

which she followed up with:

This one

Right, i’m just wondering, what difference does that make?
Quote or no, I can only assume you believe that pile of drivel to have posted it on Twitter?
I mean, I had an e-mail today which assured me that Cialimegapenilift was THE erectile dysfunction pill but, doubting the efficacy of their product, I DIDN’T BLOODY TWEET ABOUT IT!

But as I said, i’m not getting drawn into the political machinations of the country just now.

Mind you, what about the NHS reforms?

David Cameron and his pencil topper, Nick Clegg are slowly but surely taking this country to the cleaners.

Next step in their “Screw You Britain” plan of attack? So-called reforms of the NHS.

Don’t get me wrong, the NHS could use a little re-thinking, what major organisation couldn’t?

I’m just not so sure they are going about it the right way.

Perhaps i’ve got the wrong end of the stick but plans would seem to include pushing management tasks onto GP’s to cut down on admin staff?

Hmm…I can’t get an appointment for love nor money, which leads me to assume that my GP is either fighting crime and has no time for such paltry pursuits as the health of his patients, or is pretty busy with all the sick people.

Call me nuts, as many have before, but looking at one of the surgeries local to me, there are six doctors and, unless I am mistaken, one hundred and eighty four receptionists.
I may have fudged the figures just a little, but my first thought is not “Fire every last receptionist and let the doctors pick up the slack!” so much as “We could do with less receptionists, certainly…”

I digress, politics is not really my area, so on to the main reason for this blog which, I admit, is semi-political.

Did anyone catch Alastair Campbell on Question Time this week?

I’m not entirely sure why but, at one point, he felt the need to put on a Scottish Accent when quoting/mocking George Galloway.

I don’t mind a bit of Galloway mocking, I have, sadly, seen that cat video, but the accent Alastair?

I hear he’s joining Jon Culshaw for the new series of Impressions, you’ll forgive me if I don’t Sky+ this one…

Snow Day

Over the past few days I found myself become increasingly irritated by the mass of posts to Facebook and Twitter, all saying essentially the same thing.
“OMG IS IT SNOWING WHERE YOU ARE, WHEN’S THE SNOW COMING? SNOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! OMG LOL ROFL”
Sweet, weeping Jesus people!
Ok, so meteorology is just guesswork with a fancy name, but nevertheless, they forecast snow, all you had to do was wait to see if it did in fact happen.

Of course, the moment snow was forecast, the panic began.
January 5th, the day before half of Britain disappeared under a blanket of white, we nipped to Tesco for a few odds and ends.
Huge mistake…
Never before have I seen an elderly woman bulk buying kitty litter with such an expression of mortal dread.
I can only assume cat’s defecate more when it’s cold?
Granted, considering the weather warnings, picking up essentials before the snow hit was in fact a sensible plan.
This does not mean that I expect to be horribly trampled in the rush for the last few boxes of Sugar Puffs.

Having returned from the riot, beaten and bruised, we settled in to await the coming of the dreaded snow.
In a truly astonishing turn of events, the Met Office was proven right for once and we awoke on January 6th to find ourselves snowed in, trapped with no hope of escape.
I could not have been happier at that moment.
An unquestionable excuse to avoid the outside world? Heaven.

My joy was shortlived however, when I logged on to Facebook.
“OMG IT SNOWED OMG LOOK AT THE SNOW WOW IT’S SNOW LOL OMG”
Yes. It snowed. Thank you for the update.

Having said all of that, who doesn’t love the snow?
Staring out over a crisp blanket of white, snowball fights, zooming down the hills on a bright red sledge and, best of all, building a snowman.
I love to see children at play, rolling huge balls of snow down hills to build the biggest snowman possible, slapping a hat on his head and popping on a carrot for the nose, seeing the horrified expressions on their little faces as I arrive with my flamethrower…

Have fun in the snow folks

Al out.