As I write this blog, the fifth most popular news story on the BBC website is “Lily Allen changes her surname”
This story is more popular than news of possible mass strikes in the public sector, or those two morons who were plotting to kill Joss Stone.
So, what newsworthy turn of events led to the surname change?
Perhaps, following a heated argument with her father, Keith Allen, she decided she want nothing to do with him?
Or maybe she’s taken a Bowie-esque route and changed her name to Lily Rotunga Sparkle Eyes Monkey Scrotum?
Neither of these would have been massively interesting, but I could at least appreciate them making the news.
Lily Allen has married a man called Sam Cooper and changed her name to Lily Cooper.
That’s the entire sodding story!
In fact no, that’s more of a story than the dross which the BBC have bloody inflicted on the world.
She was married last weekend, it’s been and gone.
They’ve written this piece because she changed her sodding surname on sodding Twitter!
I mean, what the hell can we expect next?!
Expect to see this report, coming soon to a television near you:
Reporter: “Hello, I am reporting live from outside the home of pop sensation Alexandra Burke where an amazing turn of events has rocked the world”
Studio: “Can you tell exactly what has happened Sandra?”
Reporter: “Certainly Mark. As many may know, Miss Burke began a relationship early last month with a young man called Mark Gallows”
Studio: “Viewers may recall we interrupted BBC Question Time to bring them that shocking news”
Reporter: “Indeed Mark. Well, today Miss Burke has, in a bold move which shocked her fans, updated her Facebook relationship status to ‘In A Relationship'”
Studio: “That is incredible news Sandra, have you managed to speak to Alexandra yet?”
Reporter: “I certainly have Mark, she gave me this exclusive interview. Roll tape”
Alexandra Burke: “Um, hi?”
Reporter: “Miss Burke, the world has been literally brought to a standstill by your Facebook relationship status change, can you tell us a little more about that?”
Alexandra Burke: “What? Oh, well I hadn’t got around to it yet and I logged on today so I updated it. Wait, why is this newsworthy?”
*back to live feed*
Reporter: “And there you have it Mark”
Studio: “Thank you Sandra. I think you’ll all agree that Alexandra Burke’s new Facebook status may change all of our lives, in ways we cannot imagine. Up next, the tragic story of Jason Donovan’s lost sock”
I have to go, i’m off to burn my laptop and throw my television under a bus.