These are dark times…

And so it came to pass, the great evil which was foreteld settled o’er the land and there was a great screaming and gnashing of teeth and blah blah blah.

I refer, of course, to the return of “Celebrity” Big Brother to our screens.
I think we could potentially sue Channel 4 for false advertising on this one folks.

Let’s take a look at the so called celebrities who are sealed into the Big Brother house (which, regrettably, is not being pumped full of a deadly nerve agent) this year shall we?

1. Vinnie Jones

Ok, i’ll let you off on this one.
Vinnie Jones, former footballer, been in some pretty good films starring alongside some big names, can’t fault you too much on that.
Plus, he’s a big guy, with any luck he’ll snap under the pressure and beat the living crap out of the others.

2. Stephen Baldwin

Ah, a Baldwin, but not one of the good ones.
Go on, name one film he was in, just one!

3. Stephanie Beacham

Pretty well known in her day but it’s not going to be too much longer until she’s shipped off to the television graveyard that is Last Of The Summer Wine and then it’s all over for her.

4. Alex Reid

Who?
Seriously though, he’s a sub par MMA fighter from what i’ve gathered who is currently experiencing fifteen minutes of fame and a burning, itchy sensation as a result of sleeping with Katie “Jordan” Price.

5. Lady Sovereign

One of a handful of white, female MC’s, probably the best known of the bunch which puts her on a “Fame-o-meter” par with the girl who cuts Eamonn Holmes’ hair.

6. Nicola Tappenden

Page 3 model, i’m going to guess that not even someone who has seen her unimpressive form gracing the third page of Britains favourite piece of tabloid trash could of told you who she was.

7. Jonas Altberg

Anyone? No? It’s Basshunter.
Perpetrator of a few god awful dance tracks and yet another dodgy celebrity sex tape, so i’m told…

8. Heidi Fleiss

So we’re down to recruiting former prostitutes?
You should get hold of Two Ton Tina from my old stomping grounds, she’d liven it up a bit! So i’m told…

9. Sisqo

The man who went into hiding after receiving over six hundred thousand death threats following the release of “Thong Song”, all of them from me.
And now we know where to find him…

10. Dane Bowers

He made some dreadful music and then had sex with Katie Price on film.
That’s about it, but at least Alex Reid will have someone to compare rashes with.

11. Ekaterina Ivanova

I assumed from the images I found on Google that she was a world renowned necrophiliac, upon closer inspection it would seem she’s sleeping with Ronnie Wood.

Seriously, this is the best you could do?

I noticed that Celebrity Big Brother is sponsored by bed supplier Dreams, it would seem even the makers of the show realise everyone would rather be sleeping than watching this debacle.