It’s time for number 7 on our “10 Things I Hate About Yule” countdown, Children’s Christmas television.
Just this morning, I have heard every Christmas song ever written, most of which were sung by that dancing douche of a dinosaur, Barney.
The Barney Christmas episode is a crime against humanity, but nothing could compare to the terror which followed.
I have, in one day, seen Santa’s sleigh pulled by a llama (Go, Diego, Go), a stuffed donkey (My Friends Tigger And Pooh) and Pluto, Mickey’s lifelong canine companion (Mickey’s Clubhouse) and, inexplicably, the only animal in his world which CAN’T bloody talk.
What sort of message is this sending to my Children?
ME: “Well kids, what are you asking Santa for this year?”
DAUGHTER: “I’m asking for a bike, Daddy”
SON: “BEN 10! BEN 10! CHOO CHOO!”
ME: “Uh-huh, uh-huh. So, do you think you’re going to get those nice
presents that you asked for?”
DAUGHTER: “Oh yes Daddy, we’ve been ever so good”
SON: “BAM! LOOK, FIRE! BEN 10!”
ME: “Don’t burn your sister son. So, you’ve been good, but I still don’t
think you’ll get any presents kids”
DAUGHTER: “OH NO! Why not Daddy?”
SON: “WABEESH! NEEEEE-OW! DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA!”
ME: “Because Santa is an ineffectual tit who can’t get from A to B without the aid of assorted fictional characters, to be honest, if he gets four feet from the North pole without banking into a snow drift and freezing to death, i’ll be surprised”
SON: “EXPLOSION FUNNY! BOOM!”
Screw kids TV, time for “Muppet Christmas Carol”